Day 36 My Life Out of Control is yours?

I was asked to ponder feelings of being"Out of Control" and that is my Achilles heel, my life is out of control and it has had a massive negative affect on me. 9 years ago I started to have serious Panic attacks ;my husband of 38 was recovering from a heart attack and I had been struggling with a broken back and 3 businesses we run together alone . I was doing incredibly well I was all over everything "superwoman" and then a week or so after he got the all clear I went off the deep end and thought I was loosing my mind completely out of control . I am not a drama queen and when I say completely out of control I mean, pooping on myself not making it to the toilet, Vomiting in my lap at a stop light on a motor way , not sleeping for 5 days and eventually sleeping with my dog in her bed.I had never had even conscious fear since child hood and BOOM overnight I was in a dreadful state. I still suffer from severe GAD General anxiety disorder due to a awful recession here in Ireland and struggling to hold onto Our buisness myself and my husband work together. It has been dreadful and overwhelmingly difficult to make money. My control at the time of my panic was given to my husband I could not even look at a bill,if the phone range I was on the loo again. I now realize I have little of no control of so much of what happens to me that is distressing. I have jobs booked in for me that I dont want to do that are very stressful to my health but we need the money so what ever job comes up I have to do with no thought for me. I am back working on the shop floor in our skin & wax clinic doing ques of clients 11 hour days with so much drugs to keep me going and all the time such an act of being super happy and I just feel like a pack mule. I work all over Europe and Ireland and I now wear so many work hats I dont know if i'm coming or going . i am so angry and resentful as I am the only one who's job description has changed and now I cover several peoples roles and I can't make it stop. I never say NO I don't really know how It was never allowed growing up and I don't want to disappoint and let people down but I am so dreadfully tired and just feel I am a passenger in my own life. Does anyone feel similar?

 

Hi, Saoise. You poor lady, I am sorry you are in such emotional pain.
I also am self-employed, as a writer, and after 40 years work is fewer and far between. I just keep going through determination and belief that God is helping me. You grew up believing in yourself, that you would not or could not, fail. I hope you can work on this now, to believe in yourself, but do not care if you let other people down (you may just be thinking this, and you really are not letting others down).

If it is at all possible, try not to take on so much work. Figure out how much money you need and how much work that would take. Try not to take on work that you do not like. Find some time to do things that make you feel happy. Play with and walk your dog! My dogs were very helpful in me surviving 40 years as a freelance.

Keep positive that you are going to win this battle. Here is a good explanation of how to become free of TMS pain:

Your symptoms are a messenger. When we try to avoid our symptoms, it's like shooting the messenger that is telling you that your house is in fire. It doesn't deal with the problem, it only attempts to act like there is no problem. Embrace your symptoms and recognize them for what they are, simply a messenger telling you that you have stuff to deal with.

 

Walt you are a God Send , so compassionate and its lovely to hear your words of encouragement . I am taking stock of so much in my life but more importantly taking control. How wonderful to be a writer I am book mad and love to read I also write poetry and am enjoying myself when I get the time writing a for me novel . I have a degree in Forensic Egyptology so as I am writing this to you in my study my walls are filled with books on Mummies, History as well as mind body. There is great joy to be found in excellent writing.

 

Thanks for your kind words. Your knowledge of ancient Egypt could be used in a novel, but today's readers would probably like it in the horror genre, with mummies and vampires. You could have fun writing it. Writing a book takes my mind off of everything else.

 

Ha Ha Horror is not my thing but a thriller on King Tuts death that could be fun. I am presently waiting to do a masters in the UK its online and some travel but its not till later in the year. At the moment I am doing a University course of English Medieval History William the Conquer to The last Tudor Elizabeth I.Honestly I bore my friends and family to bits. Have you published Walt? if so what type and can you suggest your favorite for me to read.My tastes are eclectic I have everything from Harry Potter to Voltaire , Dante to Dan Brown.

 

Here is my web page about my books. www.walteroleksy.com or google me at amazon.com books.

I haven't been able to find a traditional publisher, so I've self-published my last ten books, totally free, from CreateSpace.

If you like Jane Austin, you might like my Pride and Prejudice sequel, Temptation and Temperance. If you like women's historical romance, ...And You Will Find Love... about a pioneer aviatrix from 1935-1945.

Your reading sounds great.

 

My book web page was incorrect. It is at www.walteroleksybooks.com

 

OMG I am a classics fan I love Jane Austin I am just on create space e shop now I like God does not want you to be in pain as well. You have written so many Good for you . Great to see you still have the beloved black dog.

 

I like to keep busy so I write a lot, whether it sells or not. I think you would like my Jane Austin novel.
I absolutely love dogs.