Day 27 My life one big flare-up

[Stella]

Yes, my life has been one big flare-up. The last 3 years after moving my parents to my city because my Dad had kidney failure have been the worse. My Dad was so mad about loosing control of his life. I was in the direct line of fire because I had to do all the things he used to do. Here I was busting my butt but absolutely no appreciation. I got the silent treatment. I got rolled eyes and deep sighs and forced communication. I would do stuff for my Dad and thinking in my head "Daddy are you happy with me now?" Then I would do more stuff and he hated me even more.

Then I had to tell him he couldn't drive anymore. Just thinking about it makes me hurt. He screamed and yelled at me "you have ruined my life forever. Don't you do this to me. My life will be over".

Every pain in my body was activated; the acid reflux. I thought I was going to throw-up all the time. The shingles pain throbbed in my back. The bladder pain and pelvic floor stuff was agonizing. Sleeping, forget it.... impossible.

At the same time my brother and sister were driving 400 miles to my Mom and Dad's home many times loading up on all their stuff. But wouldn't drive 200 miles to help me or see my parents. Not even ONE phone call. Not ONE. Abandoned again.

We were spending $1000, and $1000 and $1000 on my health care because my health insurance is horrible with a preexisting condition. The last 3 years we have spend over $30,000 just on my health care. Add that emotional pressure. And feeling I was not worth it. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? WHY CAN'T I BE WELL?

The little girl with the low self-esteem, trying to please them, trying to do everything perfectly, trying to stay in control, being extremely responsible, the caretaker all my life for my parents just curled up into a very painful ball. I have never experienced such despair.

But now I know. I have to take care of ME. I have to take time for myself. I am worth it. I can do it. Yes, I can.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

You sure are worth it. Care for and take time for yourself.
Your father is blaming you for how life has changed for him.
He should be thanking and hugging you.
Your brother and sister sound like villagers at a Greek funeral in
ZORBA THE GREEK, one of my favorite movies.

I had a similar hard time with my mother, who was in her 80s and had
an apartment near me so I could look after her. But it was impossible
to please her.

 

[Beach-Girl]

Hi Sandyrae:

We can't control the way the message is received, we can only know how we receive messages from others. You reacted with pain and are onto the "little girl with low self esteem" after the time with your dad. The puzzle pieces are starting to come together.

You delivered the message your dad couldn't drive anymore. Driving is freedom. We all remember getting our driver's license and taking that first solo trip. It's freedom!He just lost his. He's going to strike out at someone, and you were right there. The messenger being killed for the message!!

Did your siblings have the courage to do this? No. You did. You should give yourself a warm hug for accomplishing this impossible task. My husband isn't well and watching him slowly lose the ability to do the things he's loves in life is heart-breaking for me. But we move on and I simply wait now (instead of jumping in with suggestions) for him to come to his own conclusions. It takes the emotion away from me, but I can still love who he is at the same time.

Good luck. Care-taking is one of the hardest jobs we can sign up for. But many "good" people take it on. You should honor and praise the little girl for having the courage to do what you've done.

Be well.

BG

 

[Stella]

Thanks BG - You should honor and praise the little girl for having the courage to do what you've done.

No, my siblings did not have the courage to do this. They ran away as fast as they could. Many many times I had to go against my parents wishes to get something done in their best interest trying to keep them safe (I am so dang responsible.).


I realize of the 3 children I was always the favorite. Beats me why. My Mother has told me this on several occasions which has been a terrible burden for me to carry. My brother and sister also know this. How terrible for them that they could never understand why I was the favorite and they were not. Them trying to understand what is wrong with them and their having resentment towards me. "Just let her figure it out. She has always been the favorite anyway. "

Today my parents are very very thankful for my involvement realizing my Dad would be dead if it were not for me. My Dad says today "you are the best daughter a Father could ever have."

I hear you Walt.
Sandy

 

[Ami]

Yes you can. I am learning this too, though it takes time to unlearn those old patterns.

I have to take care of ME. I have to take time for myself. I am worth it. I can do it. Yes, I can.

 

[tarala]

Hugs, approval and appreciation to you SandyRae

 

[BruceMC]

The little girl with the low self-esteem, trying to please them, trying to do everything perfectly, trying to stay in control, being extremely responsible, the caretaker all my life for my parents just curled up into a very painful ball. I have never experienced such despair.

It's interesting that I never felt this way when my parents were still alive and I was functioning as a caregiver to first both and then one of them (my mother). But I got a great deal of approval from my mom while she was boarded at a retirement home. I guess you would say that she provided me with a "soother" as Dr. Sarno would call it. My TMS symptoms came on after my mother had died and I was faced with paying the emotional and psychological price of my 5 years' sacrifice. Of course, my dad has basically kicked me out of the house for years with his "I don't need anyone, especially you!", so following his demise I basically got my mother back again. I likewise endured the experience of having all the relatives run away from me so they wouldn't have to do anything to help. I think that's quite common. I can see now how I was deferring the emotional price of being a care giver for my mother by playing the heroic role of the devote, loyal son. I sounds to me based on your experience that you either face the psychological music while you're being the loyal child or else it's deferred until after the final curtain goes down. What's that they say about "now" or "later"?

It sounds to me that it's good that you understand the psychological dynamic behind your symptoms. That's a long way away from being totally out of control and reactive. Just writing these things down has to help you make sense of your situation. I'm assuming Sandy that you've been journaling and meditating and paying attention to Dr Sarno's key ideas in Healing Back Pain? Also that you've started the SEP available on the TMS Wiki? If you're already this self-aware and mindful of your condition, I don't doubt that you will eventually be able to overcome your TMS symptoms. Keep the faith!

 

[Stella]

Morcomm, I have been doing all that stuff and it has been invaluable. Thanks for your insights... very interesting and thought provoking. When do you pay the price... before, after, during or all your life? All of the above.

It seems like everyday I have a little more light shining of understanding...journal, journal, journal.

 

[BruceMC]

Sandy, I think Bob Dylan once asked the question: "What's the price you have to pay to get out of doing all these things twice?" A friend of mine, who thinks he's witty, replied: "Die!" However, you should think of the second time through as a chance for getting it right the second time. TMS really does give you a second chance, doesn't it? Let's hope so!