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My Journey

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Morning Cloak, Aug 20, 2019.

  1. Morning Cloak

    Morning Cloak New Member

    Greetings everyone

    First and foremost, as this is my first post I would ask if you be gentle with me:)

    The version of events is abridged so feel free to ask questions. ...
    My issues started last year (March 2018) when I started getting pains in my right foot after running, despite rest and icing these pains intensified to the point I had difficulty walking - I was 'diagnosed' with peroneal tendinitis. This pain them started to evolve into a nerve pain that would cause my toes to move involuntarily - the pain became worse, interrupting sleep. I then started the endless cycle of seeking out 'help'- a foot and ankle specialist, physios etc but by this time the pain had spread to both legs - I was also getting (among other symptoms)an all over burning sensation at night, terrible anxiety, some neck pain, ice cold feet, burning thighs, rashes and tinnitus. I tried to push through using naproxen and tramadol, but was steadily on the decline. One day, I went to the gym out of sheer desperation(late April 2018)just to keep going. Suddenly when performing a hamstring curl I hear a 'pop'and had terrible nerve pain down my right leg and buttock area. It was intolerable so I immediately booked an MRI.Well, I had the MRI which the surgeon described as being ' excellent, some of the best musculature I have seen on a 41 year old back...I don't know what the issue is". A pelvic MRI also revealed nothing other than very minor , insignificant findings. However, despite this I was worried sick - everyone was telling me how normal I was yet I was getting worse! All comprehensive bloods came back normal. I even went for a second MRI and further x-rays as iiwas convinced they missed something! Alas, nothing found again. By June the insomnia, fear and anxiety had got so bad I was put under psychiatric care from home for one month and prescribed a 3 week dose of valium. I was signed off work for a month and sat at home in despair. My life was closing in fast - suicide was a daily thought, I was in tears constantly.
    The valium helped me sleep enough to keep going, so I continued with another round of chiropractic etc. this provided short term relief but then the pains came back again. I was literally at the end of my tether. I felt guilty of the concern I was causing my wife and family, I had even written a suicide note.
    Then one day, out of the blue, I had a moment that sparked the beginning of my recovery. I saw a news article about phantom limb pain. I remember thinking how curious it could be that the brain can continue generating pain even with the absence of a limb.....Then I said out loud ' the brain can cause pain even with the absence of a limb' Suddenly I thought ' Am I 100% convinced that there is a structural issue, or might it be a mental issue?'
    At this stage I was still not fully convinced the issue was emotional, but for some reason I thought it might be worth exploring. This lead me to 'healing back pain' by John Sarno (after a few google sessions). I read it and found it highly convincing. I began watching clips of Dr. Schubiner, Steve Ozanich and other great people in the field. The more I watched, the more I was convinced this 'could' be me. I would say the pain dropped 20% just from knowledge which I found amazing! I was able to sleep and walk short distances again and went back to work.In January this year I started work with a UK based TMS practitioner Georgie Oldfield.I still had some doubts at this stage that I needed to work through. I was quite a demanding client (though polite!) and had so many questions. Georgie was very patient and helpful as I started the recovery journey in earnest. Initially, I found it all a little overwhelming and it took a long time for the concepts to sink in. However, one thing is for sure, I knew TMS had not come out of nowhere:

    - I had terrible insomnia as a child
    - I had 'growing pains' in my hips
    - I was bullied for being chubby as a teen which caused a lot of anguish and low esteem
    - I had anorexia for 2 years as a result of the bullying
    - I was a twin which caused a few identity issues
    - I had chronic fatigue for 2 years in my 20s
    - I developed anxiety and was addicted to benzos for 6 years
    -I had an alcohol issue
    - I had previously had TMS pains in right shoulder and right knee, these 'cleared up' eventually after 6 months or so.

    In terms of personality traits I am:

    - a goodist
    - obsessive
    - care deeply what others thing of me
    - need constant reassurance
    - worry a lot about health and the future in general
    - impatience / needing things done a certain way in a certain order

    So where am I now? I would say I am 60% recovered. I can walk for a couple of hours, I can drive for a few hours. Sitting or some chairs can still cause flare ups (weird consequence of conditioning - work chair doesn't hurt, some others do). I am still a little wary of exercise but I am working through this by gradually increasing my activity. Very gradual, which is tough for me as I am obsessive and prone to 'boom bust'cycles.
    Increase in activity caused a few flare ups, but I would put this down to fear and tension as a result of trying too hard' I take no pain killers or benzos. I still take 20 mg of an ssri, but have reduced it to 20mg every 3 days now and am further tapering. The ongoing journey for me is to be patient and enjoy reclaiming my life, and not to look at the calendar!

    If this gives one person who reads this even a little hope at the start of the journey it will have been more than worthwhile me sharing it.

    All the Best
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2019
    Rainstorm B, skhs and HattieNC like this.

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