Day 35
Self care day. I'll take it. I just want to say that I'm having a really annoying flare up. I need to remember that it's not important. Something that I have been thinking about is how I used to say that what motivated me to live was dissatisfaction. I wasn't satisfied with who I was and what I could do, so I lived to change and become better. In theory, when I became better, more skilled, more effective, then I could be happy with myself. But this way of life knows no end. When you live to achieve motivated by a dissatisfaction with yourself, you remain dissatisfied no matter how well you do, no matter how much you change. It is not a good reason to live. I lived disliking myself for years. I still do, though not as much as before. But these same motivations are still the ones of today. I do things because I'm unhappy with myself. This unhappiness with myself has a lot to do with other people's perception of me. The main reason I want to change is to look better in the eyes of others. I want to be flawless so they can't make fun of me, so they can't point out my flaws because I don't have any. That would show them. Show them that I'm superior, that they're lazy, that I have achieved so much more than they have. It's consuming. It's taxing on me. It's really tiresome trying to prove everyone wrong when they don't even care themselves. In my head, the battle is against everyone else, but in truth it is against myself, because it's against what I think they think. I turn my own expectations into the expectations of others and in this way I remove the blame from myself. Like I don't expect anything from me, it's other people that do. It's other people that are mean and evil. It's them who mock me and make me try so hard and sacrifice myself so much. But it's not. It's me. I bully myself into these impossible, self-sacrificing efforts. I am my own torturer. Why do I do this? Maybe it's insecurity. Maybe I don't feel loved enough, or whatever. The thing is that I have to ignore this voice, I have to tell this torturer: fuck you, I don't have to do anything to please you. I am angry at myself. That's it. My inner child or whatever is angry at all these expectations. That's the fucking pain. Because I keep burning even under all these expectations, I keep performing but I'm also in a state of rage while doing things. Like "fine, I'll do this you fucking dictator, but I'm fucking mad for having to do this". Maybe that anger manifests as pain, or maybe the pain exists so that I don't see this anger, so that I don't express the anger and keep doing the things that I have to do. I remember that the pain is a distraction from emotions. I'm trying to get to these emotions. I think this rage at my inner dictator is one of the emotions. And I feel it. I have to feel it and let it out. Feelings are fine. It's okay to be angry. It's fine to feel rage. This is how it is. This is human nature. I'm okay. I'm normal. I'm just doing exactly what I should be doing. It's natural. It's fine.
