Day 6 My fears....

[sdiddy]

Briefly take a few minutes and write down some of your fears. Why are you afraid of these things? (Use your own journal or print this page).

Im scared of being alone. I was married, have even dated a lot since my divorce, but something changed the last couple years after I broke up with most recent ex gf. she was the first woman since my marriage I have ever felt love for. I could see us building a life together. she treated me well and was kind. but we broke up because I simply wasnt ready at that time and when I was ready she was taken. I felt a lot of regret. I felt like I missed my best opportunity and now I feel old and less attractive and Im scared. Im scared that my standards are so high because I know how high my own value is and I only want to be with someone that emobodies what it truly takes to sustain forever....but this is so hard to find especially in LA and in someone I also find attractive. So im scared. Im already struggling a lot. I dont want to be alone. Do I settle for less, lower my standards, just to not be alone? At least knowing it wil be easier for me? I dont know if I can do this life alone. I already have a psychotic ex wife and a daughter getting older every day. Im scared. Im scared.

Im scared of losing my mom. She is all I have. Im scared of my daughter getting older. She was a baby yesterday and is damn near a teen now. Im scared. I love her so much shes my best friend and Im scared Ill lose her too, to life, friends, etc. Im scared. Im scared of distance between me and my little girl. She is literally my world. Im scared of her going to college.

Im scared of my body pain. Im scared I will never move properly again. Im scared I will never find a good partner because of this too. Im scared I wont be capable of going on trips with my daughter and things when im older.

Im scared of my ex wife. She is rich and gets off on legal threats and causing me hurt. Im not rich. I cant afford to get lawyers involved for every single thing but she can and does. Im scared I wont have enough money to live in this neighborhood anymore. Im scared of losing everything.

Im scared I wont make it in this career. Ive been trying for so long and it still not really sustaining. Im scared I will be a failure and not be able to afford my simple life and my daughter.

Im scared of my health worsening. Im scared of my hip pain and body pain and anxiety and high cholesterol. Im scared of fucking so much. I took on so many responsibilities in my life and neglected my own self, my body, mind, and more. And now Im sitting here crying in bed by myself while I miss my daughter, have no partner, in pain, and alone.

I mean fuck Im on this forum just for some support and I doubt anyone will even see this too. I dunno, im just struggling lately.

 

[Diana-M]

Hi ,
If it’s any consolation, I have most of your fears too. Life is really painful! Especially as you get older. it seems like it’s all a loss. I was thinking this morning of how self-absorbed I have become lately. I’m so miserable with all of these issues that you named. The more self absorbed I get the more I don’t see any beauty around me. This makes me sad. Maybe you and I should make a promise that today we will find three beautiful things. I’m looking out my window at the tree trunks that are black from rain—-and they’re surrounded by these beautiful neon green spring leaves. it’s a rainy day so there’s a kind of white glow to the air. it’s really pretty!

Peace to you, my friend! we’ll get through this!

 

[Cactusflower]

@sdiddy
Sounds like sometimes you just get to living in your head so much. @Diana-M is quite right. When you can find your way out of the anxiety, fear, depression etc to simply notice seconds, moments of the good things in life, the road forward gets a little clearer. You won’t focus so much on all the things you stand to loose in life, but everything you have opportunity to gain. LA is so big, it can be impersonal too, but there are also lots of people looking for community and lots of good hearted folks.
Have you tried adding any calming practices to your TMS work? Things that help you separate from fears for even a short time? It helps make them less overwhelming. Anything from meditation to movement. I loaded my about me page with a ton of resources for any level of that kind of stuff from YouTube. You may find something helpful there. These kinds of things helped me find a way out of being so mired in the fear.
You’ll get there, you are on the way.

 

[sdiddy]

thank you both for the feedback. I am trying to do meditations lately or even just listen to Joe Dispenzas youtube videos about positivity and manifestation. And I am doing exercise daily, hot yoga, treadmill, lifting, and PT. But my mind keeps going back to the fact that I am alone and lonely and quite frankly miss having a woman in my life. I could settle and get one but I dont want to do that either. But ill admit when I have a good woman, everything I mentioned above becomes so much more manageable.