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My fears, and me being suicidal..

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by stranger, Nov 24, 2012.

  1. stranger

    stranger New Member

    Hi guys

    Need to get this of my chest. The following would be about my fears and the pain I've had..I know that the following is going to sound weird..

    I'm a sensitive guy, and even the smallest things gets to me. When I first had my pain I assumed that was it; I wont be working anymore, I wont be able to finish my studies, and I'll propably end up on the streets living in a box.. All that I've worked for was just a waste of time, and there I was lying down, crying and being frustrated. I mean it was ridiculous and I was a mess. I didnt want the world to be a better place, and I just wanted to inflict everyone in my pain. Whenever I saw someone walking around I envied them. I was so jealous of them, and kept thinking that I was cursed. It got even weirder, when I started to think about the people that I may have hurt in the past. Could they have casted a spell upon me? Propably not, but I tried to rationalize my pain in every possible way..

    I feared, that I couldnt change my life, and I felt that my plan for the future was falling apart. The frustration rose to a new level, and I was getting suicidal. I wanted to end my life. No one understood me, and I was alone on this God forsaken planet. So why not just end things? If I'm going to suffer, and to be a disappointment, why not leave everything behind? Whats the point? I mean; I'm suffering, and doing no good anyway. Death was the easy solution, and seemed to be less painfull than being alive. So I took the last step. I tried to end my life. I really did. But I couldnt. Something inside me kept me from doing it, and two weeks ago I discovered what it was thanks to this website..I have something inside me, that loves life. Deep down I knew, that I was going to be better, and the TMS concept proved me right.

    Right now I'm back in school, and I work again. I still have some pain occasionally, but I've regained my previous happiness. I KNOW that I will be fine!

    God bless you all!
  2. tarala

    tarala Well known member

    Hi Stranger,

    The best technique I've ever seen for stopping the mind from spinnimg its stories is in the book Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. I've found it a lifesaver. Glad to hear you are doing so well.
  3. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    LOVING WHAT IS sounds like a must-read.

    Thanks, Stranger, for posting. A strong but helpful post.

    Today a PBS TV special with positive guru Shawn Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage, says
    we should SMILE often because it adds endorphins and dopamine sending oxygen rich blood to our hurting muscles, tendons, nerves.
    Worth trying.
  4. tarala

    tarala Well known member

    Hi Walt,

    I've found Loving What Is helpful because a lot of my suffering stems not just from my actual pain, but from the stories my drama queen mind thinks up: I'll never be able to dance again; Everyone but me is leading free happy lives; If I do too much it will increase the pain; This will surely get worse as I get older; This part of me is physically damaged; etc ad nauseum. I don't actually know that any of these thoughts are true, and they all make me feel bad. Byron Katie uses a simple but profound method of helping the mind to let go of its harmful stories. Useful for everything, not just TMS!
  5. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    H, Terry,

    It's so easy to catastrophize. I do it, too. I went online and found some quotes by Katie. I need advice as simple as possible.
  6. tarala

    tarala Well known member

    Walt, I think if I had seen this book in a bookstore I would have laughed-- "Four easy questions and turn your life around." But it is actually totally simple, and really works. The more you do it, of course, the more it works. Have a look and see what you think.
  7. Forest

    Forest Beloved Grand Eagle

    Being in chronic pain can be very disheartening, and it is really easy to feel like life will never get better. I felt the same way when a doctor told me that since I had severe wrist pain I could never be a programmer (my career of choice). If anyone ever is considering hurthing themselves check out this page for a list of resources on getting in touch with professionals who can help you.

    I have always felt like the best part of TMS is that it gives us hope that we will be able to regain our lives back. It is great to hear that this website/organization was able to help you regain happiness into your life. There is tremendous power in peers sharing their stories and supporting others in their recovery. This site is about helping people turn their adversity into a positive life experience by helping them overcome pain. I'm glad we were able to help.

    Recovering from TMS allowed me to gain happiness again as well. The key for me is similar to what I think has helped you: Knowing that I would be alright and that I was not damaged. This improved my mood and helped me gain confidence in myself that I no longer had to limit myself and that I can live a full life.
    Beach-Girl likes this.
  8. stranger

    stranger New Member


    One should not underestimate the power of internet. I live in Europe, where no one (at least not the doctors I've been seeing), know anything about TMS. Were it not for this webpage, I wouldnt know where I would be at..

    Thank you!
    yb44 likes this.
  9. Beach-Girl

    Beach-Girl Well known member

    Hi Stranger:

    I hope you are still finding hope in your life through this site and other inspirational reading materials. You can read the basics and those lead to other things you probably had no idea were out there! (Such as the book discussed above - it is a great book) I'm so happy you decided you "couldn't do it". I think that now you are seeing (at least I hope) all that life has to offer. It isn't a perfect world, but if we're mindful, live in the moment, and laugh as much as we can - it can be a pretty perfect life to live. And it's all yours to arrange and set-up. It's very freeing when you think of life in those terms.

    You are here for a reason. Not this website, but on the planet. I hope your life continues to unfold and show you this.

    Best of luck and congrats on bringing your pain down! I live in the states but in a rural area. This site has helped me more than I can state in one post. But you are in the right place.

    Love and Light

  10. rusland

    rusland New Member

    My pelvic pain was burning bad yesterday. For the Last two weeks I didn't take any Tramadol and just try to don't give a fuck to my pain.
    But last night I couldn't sleep because of pain and I had to take 100mg of Tramadol to ged rid of pain and sleep.
    But in the morning I feel so disappointed because I couldn't go ahead without Tramadol.
    Feeling that I am starting again and again and that will never finish.
    I am scared because I was feeling suicidal when I was in bed this morning just being sick of this bloody pain and depression.
    But the feeling disappeared after waking up .
    Now I am afraid why I had this thought basically I am scared if my self.
    Anyone experiencing this ?
  11. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    Sweetheart, give yourself a break. A pain syndrome is hell on earth and it would drive the angels themselves to cuss like a sailor. In the past I have felt as you feel. I have felt suicidal. I have felt trapped in my own body, in my own mind. It's awful beyond any known measure of awfulness. But you can break free. You can heal.

    For God's sake take painkillers if you need to. There is no point martyring yourself. There are no TMS saints. The idea of quitting medication is just that - an idea.

    For many people it puts the cart before the horse. Most folk find they need to gain some ground in terms of pain-relief before they tackle coming off meds. And that is perfectly ok. There is no one path of recovery, only your path of recovery. Find what works for you and stay the course. Loads of people have overcome pelvic pain, so take heart and go gently.

    Plum x
    Katy Elise, Lily Rose and Ellen like this.
  12. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    Rusland ....

    Plum always has the most practical advice wrapped lovingly in poetry <3
    It is actually counter productive to tell yourself that you cannot have any pain pills. That will ramp up the anxiety. Coming off pain pills is a looong process. You are not weak or a failure for reaching out for that relief. Do not be disappointed in yourself.

    Depression is a sly and ferocious demon. It waits for our defenses to be lowered, and uses wiles to lure us deeper into the chasm, and if we fall into it, it tries to devour us. When pain is so thick and engulfing, the demon begins to sound reasonable, as it offers an escape from the pain. The hardest thing to do is to ... wait.

    One of my tools for dealing with the depression-demon is to flood it with love. To embrace the darkness and soothe it. This softens and diminishes the power and strength, while being compassionate towards your inner self will soften and increase your strength.

    As Plum said .... this is your path. Each path is unique, just as you are unique.

    ... with Love and Compassion, and always with Gratitude <3
    plum likes this.
  13. jaumeb

    jaumeb Peer Supporter


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