My current TMS dynamic

M

music321

Well known member
Quite often, I've been able to start telling myself that I am fine structurally. I think about what my life will be like in a few months, a year, and beyond. Whenever I get a twinge of pain, this positive thinking falls apart. Moments ago, I stepped down a stair with a bit more speed than I had intended to. I immediately felt a twinge of pain, accompanied by a sense of dread and anxiety that was "under the surface". At the surface, so to speak, I felt fine. I kept repeating in my mind "I am fine, there is nothing wrong". The pain was just a twinge.

I then purposely bit the inside of my mouth. Not so much as to draw blood, but enough to cause pain. I was trying to prove to my subconscious that biting my cheek was real pain, and my leg pain was not. I've never done something this drastic before, but I felt if this simple exercise helped me win the war with TMS, it was worth it.

I then stood up and thought that I'm being ridiculous. I've been plagued by "injuries" and "setbacks" for a decade. Although I can't "prove" whether every "injury " is structural or not, the bulk of them certainly have been. No one in their 30s stays weak for a decade. "I'm fine", I thought to myself. I believed this more strongly than before. Then, almost beyond my control, I found myself reaching down and feeling my calf muscle, "just to be sure". It was then I realized I really have a problem getting over TMS.

Again, when I'm not immediately "injured", I can step back and see that injuries of three days ago, two weeks ago, two years ago, etc. are TMS. When confronted with a new one, I revert back to my old anxiety patterns. This happens time after time. Even as I sit typing this, the spot where I bit down hard on my cheek ten minutes ago hurts very little, while my calf has grown to hurt considerably more.

I've tried to do breathing exercises, etc. to deal with the anxiety surrounding these pains, but I still get worked up over them, and they get the better of me. I don't know how to proceed.

Thanks for reading.
 
Keep doing what you're doing, you're on the right track, you're recognizing the TMS patterns, sleep on it.
 
Don't give up, you're certainly on the right track. I have also done similar things, like pinching myself to try and differentiate 'real' pain from TMS pain. I've healed myself, but it doesn't mean I never encounter obstacles. Last time after climbing I felt as if I had pulled a bicep muscle. It was very hard to identify it as TMS, but I did it by talking to myself and identifying a few patterns. One of them was that I felt the twinge of pain after the climb, and not during a particular movement. I also had my fear to deal with; but I was equipped thanks to having educated myself about TMS.
What I like to do after I feel a new kind of pain is stop for a brief mindfulness session, and try to register the pain objectively; just notice it as if it was someone else's pain, creating a certain distance between it and my emotions. Then if it subsides, I go on to some mild exercise, using the painful limb repetitively (for example if I have foot pain, I just go for a walk). Sometimes you need to challenge the pain, and show it that you're not afraid. Remember that if it were an injury you would feel the pain more or less at exactly the same spot with exactly the same movement, immediately and not after the movement. Good luck!
 
The anxiety around the pain is ok and normal...remind yourself of that. It will go away in due time but I think this is something we all experienced. I certainly did.
 
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