eluna
Peer Supporter
Hi, I'm new to posting here and have just started the SEP which I'm so grateful to have found. As suggested, I have decided to write a bit about my story.
When I was 13/14 years old (I am now 27), I was laying in bed one night when I got a cramp in my right calf. As I stretched it, the pain became so severe that I started screaming. The doctors put it down to a torn muscle. The pain didn't really bother me again until my early twenties. I started to notice pain and tightness in both of my calves when I was walking or exercising. When I was 24, I started getting intense episodes of pain which would leave me immobile for about three weeks but then I'd recover and go back to normal again. This happened every few months but then I had nothing for about a year or so.
At the start of 2024, after my beloved rabbit passed away, my pain came back and this time it stayed. Although I didn't have as intense of cramping, my left calf (different this time) was too painful to walk on. Nothing has been found in tests/scans - I have healthy veins and no blood clots, muscle tears or neurological issues. I was told all sorts of things from medics - I have flat feet, I "probably have a growth deficiency", my B12 levels are low, my calves are just too tight, I pulled a muscle, etc. I've been called weird and was told to just "start walking"... by medical professionals.
In the first half of 2024, I started using the Curable app and started to have some improvements. By late July/early August, I was having very little pain and walking almost normally again for short distances. However, by the end of August, I was having intense cramping in both calves, worse than I've ever had before. One night, I was so overcome with anxiety that I had pain and tingling down my arms and legs. I also had extreme weakness and could not walk at all because of it.
I was panicking that something physical was seriously wrong so tried hospitals and doctors again, only to be told there's nothing wrong with me and/or that they can't help me. I realised then that it had to be something else so I went searching and finally found John Sarno's books. Since then, I've made gradual improvements and my mobility is a lot better.
Where I currently am on my journey is a tricky one - I fully believe in the TMS diagnosis but since starting work with the pain clinic in January, I feel as though I had forgotten that a bit. I'm not sceptical, I'm actually fascinated by it and have found that TMS has been the only thing that has described what I'm going through. However, lately I've been having doubts that I'll ever get better as I compare myself to those who got better within a month or a few weeks. My pain has also gotten worse in my shoulders and neck, making me feel like I constantly have to be laying flat. I have also had increased anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts (disclaimer - I do not feel like I actually want to take my life and I am receiving mental health help through my weekly therapy sessions and support group).
After some reflection and re-reading the Divided Mind by John Sarno, I do believe that these symptoms and feelings are a part of my brain's strategy to keep me focused on my body and to keep the syndrome going. I have recently uncovered some deep trauma in therapy which is something I've been avoiding for a long time. Naturally, I believe this part of my brain is starting to panic about losing this strategy. I also understand that the severity of my pain and symptoms is a reflection on the severity of my childhood trauma and unconscious emotional pains.
I feel really optimistic about this program and I'm hopeful that I can connect with others who have and understand TMS. It will help me take this information in more deeply, I believe. Thank you for reading, I look forward to continuing this journey to becoming pain free.
When I was 13/14 years old (I am now 27), I was laying in bed one night when I got a cramp in my right calf. As I stretched it, the pain became so severe that I started screaming. The doctors put it down to a torn muscle. The pain didn't really bother me again until my early twenties. I started to notice pain and tightness in both of my calves when I was walking or exercising. When I was 24, I started getting intense episodes of pain which would leave me immobile for about three weeks but then I'd recover and go back to normal again. This happened every few months but then I had nothing for about a year or so.
At the start of 2024, after my beloved rabbit passed away, my pain came back and this time it stayed. Although I didn't have as intense of cramping, my left calf (different this time) was too painful to walk on. Nothing has been found in tests/scans - I have healthy veins and no blood clots, muscle tears or neurological issues. I was told all sorts of things from medics - I have flat feet, I "probably have a growth deficiency", my B12 levels are low, my calves are just too tight, I pulled a muscle, etc. I've been called weird and was told to just "start walking"... by medical professionals.
In the first half of 2024, I started using the Curable app and started to have some improvements. By late July/early August, I was having very little pain and walking almost normally again for short distances. However, by the end of August, I was having intense cramping in both calves, worse than I've ever had before. One night, I was so overcome with anxiety that I had pain and tingling down my arms and legs. I also had extreme weakness and could not walk at all because of it.
I was panicking that something physical was seriously wrong so tried hospitals and doctors again, only to be told there's nothing wrong with me and/or that they can't help me. I realised then that it had to be something else so I went searching and finally found John Sarno's books. Since then, I've made gradual improvements and my mobility is a lot better.
Where I currently am on my journey is a tricky one - I fully believe in the TMS diagnosis but since starting work with the pain clinic in January, I feel as though I had forgotten that a bit. I'm not sceptical, I'm actually fascinated by it and have found that TMS has been the only thing that has described what I'm going through. However, lately I've been having doubts that I'll ever get better as I compare myself to those who got better within a month or a few weeks. My pain has also gotten worse in my shoulders and neck, making me feel like I constantly have to be laying flat. I have also had increased anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts (disclaimer - I do not feel like I actually want to take my life and I am receiving mental health help through my weekly therapy sessions and support group).
After some reflection and re-reading the Divided Mind by John Sarno, I do believe that these symptoms and feelings are a part of my brain's strategy to keep me focused on my body and to keep the syndrome going. I have recently uncovered some deep trauma in therapy which is something I've been avoiding for a long time. Naturally, I believe this part of my brain is starting to panic about losing this strategy. I also understand that the severity of my pain and symptoms is a reflection on the severity of my childhood trauma and unconscious emotional pains.
I feel really optimistic about this program and I'm hopeful that I can connect with others who have and understand TMS. It will help me take this information in more deeply, I believe. Thank you for reading, I look forward to continuing this journey to becoming pain free.
