my brain is wigging out

MicheleRenee

MicheleRenee

Peer Supporter
Alright so I'm in a bit of a conundrum. I've literally trained my brain, or what it feels like anyway, to have anxiety when I'm not thinking about TMS. To have anxiety when I think of going out, etc. To have anxiety literally in any instance. And it's really messing with me. I know this is the "loop" people talk about. I am developing more symptoms and my body literally feels like its going to explode. I ground, i talk myself through it, but when I try to focus on anything other than TMS my brain wigs out, and then when i focus on the pain my brain wigs out. I am quite positive this all has to do with my being a perfectionist, doing this all "right". It's my damn ego. Literally, the more I want to let go the more it grasps on but then when I grasp on it gives me anxiety too. Literally the"divided mind". I can "feel" my symptoms slowly creep through my body, I'm downright scared all the time, even though I KNOW this is TMS. I cannot for the life of my switch the fear switch off. I've been trying for a good month and a half and it's just so damn persistent. For example, i think of the word "Acceptance" - and along the way i must have labelled that word bad somewhere- and it gives me anxiety. I know i can get through this, but holy shit. is the brain ever a powerful thing. I don't even know what I'm looking for here. honestly. maybe someone else who's gone through this? Everything is literally causing me anxiety. I can feel it attaching anxiety to "safety thoughts". Like its just bizarre.
 
There is a deep connection between anxiety and the Inner Critic or superego. You might observe to see these connections. Superego can more directly be worked with than nebulous anxiety, in my experience. This may give you a start.

For instance, when you contemplate "acceptance" does what come up include the feeling that this is not attainable? If so, it may point to superego activity.

Hope this might help. You have good observation skills. Observe if your awareness is "doing a number on you." Find ways to relax and disengage from mind loops when you can. Find something you find pleasurable or beautiful, and engage!
 
Since Dr. Sarno views anxiety as a distraction, you might also inquire into it, just like with symptoms:
What is this anxiety distracting me from? What might be deeper? I have found this to be helpful personally. Always points to stuff I am trying to "not feel."
 
Ah yes. My tendency to observe and analyze is strong in me. VERY strong. I have had this "issue" ever since being a young child when surprise surprise my first TMS symptoms arose. Always observing others reactions to me in incredible ways a child shouldn't feel the need to. I know where this has all come from through journaling. I think you hit the nail on the head that my awareness is doing a number on me. I keep saying it's almost like being mindful has been worse for me because instead of saying to myself Oh man you need to give yourself some slack, i feel myself saying "jesus christ woman, stop looking this way and that way" - superego activity. There's ALOT going on right now besides these symptoms, which i'm trying to pick apart. I've finally contacted a therapist to help me. Hopefully i can get my mind undercontrol until it feels the need to scream it further through my body. I know lots of people find relief knowing this is all a mind thing, but for me, where several of my close family members suffer from severe mental health disorders... I'm not going to lie... there is a huge fear associated with that. That the mind is "ill". Luckily i know this can be reversed, unlike their problems. I just need to trust myself for once in my life! Thanks Andy B.
 
MicheleRenee said:
I know lots of people find relief knowing this is all a mind thing, but for me, where several of my close family members suffer from severe mental health disorders... I'm not going to lie... there is a huge fear associated with that. That the mind is "ill".
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This is a great understanding. I think it helps to be conscious of this fear. Then you can observe it, soothe yourself, and let it pass. Better than being run by it behind the scenes. Good luck in your work.
 
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