MUST READ IF YOU WANT TO DEFEAT TMS

[plum]

I don't have a choice in all of this. For example, I wish I could stop being in contact with my narcissistic mother who made me ill and act authentically around her, but I can't because she would make my life hell, and my dad's life too. So I have to pretend everything is OK even though it's not.

You do have a choice my darling. You can choose yourself and your own healing. You are not responsible for anybody else. My mother-in-law is a narcissist so I know well how wretched they make life for those around them. However I have decided that I am done with her and the dysfunctional family dynamics and toxic relationships that have been part of my daily life for 30 years. 30 f****** years.

Eighteen months ago I made the decision to have as little to do with her as possible but she is in her 90’s and has taken to creating medical dramas (involving paramedics, doctors, carers etc), which she has actually done her entire life, only now she leverages them with her age and apparent vulnerability. She last pulled this stunt a week ago.

I have been stuck between a rock and a hard place, wishing to support my husband in his care for his mother whilst simultaneously knowing what she is. He knows too but for him the situation is complex. As indeed is yours.

But I cannot indulge in this anymore. There are some amazing (free and paid for) resources out there for dealing with narcissism and particularly for recovering from it. If you are not aware of Pete Walker’s work on CPTSD I suggest you start there. It will explain your Freeze response as it relates to abuse.

http://pete-walker.com/ (Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy)

As for typical TMS healing, I found journaling to be of absolutely no help at all. If anything it made things much worse for me. This video pretty explains why this was so. Don’t let the title sway you. It’s germane to any narcissistic relationship.

The guy in this video explains elsewhere the dangers of relating authentically with a narcissist. He recommends instead that you handle them as one would a snake. I find this to be excellent advice.


I hope some of this is useful and gives you some confidence and clarity over how best to move on and heal.

With love,

Plum x

 

[IamAwareness]

Hey all, newbie here. As someone who "had an encounter" with a covert narcissist, that video is spot-on. Life as I knew it was completely annihilated. I NEEDED to break away from the toxicity at any and all cost and let the whole thing go which took some doing. My sanity literally depended on it. Was only then I experienced marked Improvement with my life situation. The other side of the coin is I've gotten to know myself so much better as a result of all this.

It was refreshing for me to hear from a couple members that journaling wasn't an integral part of their recovery. I've done that in the past and it doesn't flow for me. Recently I've been more in touch with my emotions than never before. I don't connect with the rage thing very well as I'm Type B and seemingly very easy-going. But I'm totally open to a concept of Rage turned inward. I'm harder on myself than anybody could ever be towards me but that's been getting better.

The o. p. resonated with me as we're on seemingly parallel paths. I also understand that it may not be for everyone. It's awesome to have an eclectic Community with different sets of experiences to broaden the scope of understanding that new people that can identify with. I'm extremely grateful that you all are here.

 

[zclesa]

@plum Thank you so much for these resources. I had a bit of meltdown and wrote my dad an honest 7-page letter about what mum did to me, because he was still protecting her at my expense. He came to visit and we had a good chat about it. He never realised how things really were with her and didn't understand the extent of her narcissism because it is largely covert. He does now and has agreed to support me.

We have agreed to approach this in two ways 1. Don't rock the boat unnecessarily. 2. Set boundaries. So, we are not going to change any behaviour radically so that mum notices as has a narcissistic lashout. But if I go to visit them at their house, for example, I will not stay overnight anymore at my expense of being infantilised. I have 2 friends who live near then and I will stay at theirs instead because I'd like to see them too. I will also never ever ask my mother for help again, because every time I have help from her, it is given with no genuine warmth and sometimes with shame (always with shame when I was a kid). But she can help if she wants with practical stuff.

I hope this is a sensible way to approach this. I will thoroughly check out those resources.

@IamAwareness Best wishes for your healing. Covert narcissism is so difficult. It took me 39 years and countless therapists for anyone to spot that my mother was a covert Narc. She did "perfect parent mode" so very well in the presence of others.

 

[Skyotter]

Hello there
Let me try to address each concern separately.

1. Every human being on the planet has responsibilities to others whether they like it or not (unless they’re a hermit living alone in the mountains, and even then they have a responsibility to themselves to keep themselves alive, fed, and sheltered). I would be willing to bet that most people if not all are subconsciously angered by this fact. Everyone has an inner child that wants instant gratification and to be waited on hand and foot, so the idea that others need us too is enraging! I would need to know more about your specific arrangement of your relationships to understand the nuance here (though Its not necessary for me to know because it’s all just part of the ego story) but being authentic to yourself isn’t mutually exclusive with getting everything you want. Authenticity is about honoring your feelings and making choices that resonate with your core values. If someone has a disabled child or elderly parents that need their care, they may wish this responsibility hadnt befallen them, but it is honoring their authentic self to care for their child or parents nonetheless. at the same time, it’s imporrant to really feel the emotions of sadness, anger, guilt etc that go along with this. It’s ok to feel hatred and anger and all the yuck emotions.

2. Again I would need to know more about this to understand the nuance but is it possible for you to make a creative plan to get out of your current life satiation even if it takes years? Often times there is a solution available to us that we are unaware of or are blocking for egoic reasons. I know I have been guilty of this.

3. You say that you don’t have a simple pain condition and I believe you. However that doesn’t change the fact that many others have healed of very complex pain conditions as well and if they can do it then so can you. You must ask yourself why you are blocking your own healing.

4. Everything that falls under the umbrella of TMS is automatic, and trauma responses are no different. The definition of the subconscious is basically automatic behavior. Your ego has a stranglehold on you and you are clinging to it unknowingly. Even if you accept this on an intellectual level, you haven’t broken through to really knowing it yet. But this comes with time and an awareness shift.

You are seriously overthinking this.

Do you know what pure awareness feels like? Do you know what it means to simply “be”? Because this is the key. You need to start peeling the layers off. You’re wearing a mask that you’re not aware of due to the conditioning of your entire life. The mask peels off when you enter a state of awareness and being.

Consider beginning a practice of meditation and learn everything you can about mindfulness. Get a mindfulness coach if you have to. It will help you understand what it means to be aware, even if you think you already know. When you are in a state of being, you are connected to your true self.

There is no simple answer to any of this and I wish I could be of more help. Remember that you are not your body. You are a spirit being projected into your body for an earth experience. This pain is a huge part of what you came here to do. Embrace it, accept it, love it, and just be.

 

[TG957]

I have been mostly away from the forum in the past couple years and I am so glad I found this thread, which goes so deeply into what healing is about. My dear old friend @plum chimed in, but I also discovered new voices, @savasana and @miffybunny, and others, so eloquent in their words and so exactly on point in their message.

We can forever debate which method lead us to healing, whether it finding the source of rage, or journaling, or rolfing, or meditation, and whether it is your Christianity you were raised in or your newly found Buddhism set you on the path of healing.

The truth is that each one of us is a unique universe, and so are the pains that torture us. We heal if we find our true souls again. Whatever religion we practice - or not practice, we need to have core beliefs in order to heal. Somewhere underneath the rituals, if we believe in something, we share the same God.

When life beats us, we become obsessive and paranoid, in both devotion and denial. Finding your own soul underneath the fear and paranoia is what brings us healing.

May all of us find our souls and heal!

With love,

TG

 

[zclesa]

@miffybunny @savasana @plum I finally got what you were saying.

I don't have to live here. I don't actually have to take on half the responsibilities I "decided" I had to. I can work things out financially. I over-complicated it with all my "excuses" because I thought they were real reasons.

My narcissistic mother trained me to be like this, to feel helpless, to put endless demands and responsibilities on myself that never belonged to me. It is part of the issue. It's her programming in action, not things I would actually believe or choose if she hadn't programmed me so deeply. I couldn't see it. I do now.

I can throw half of these concerns in the bin today because I see they are not REAL. It is just my programming telling me they are real.

As @TG957 put it, realising this is part of truly finding my own soul.

Thank you all for your wisdom. I will continue moving into truth. <3

 

[Kjarvis15]

So are you saying everyone has to have the pefect job, marriage etc? Iy seems to me that our spiritual journey is deeper than being happy in a worldly sense.....

Let me know your thoughts

Kevin

 

[TG957]

So are you saying everyone has to have the pefect job, marriage etc? Iy seems to me that our spiritual journey is deeper than being happy in a worldly sense.....

Let me know your thoughts

Kevin

I don't think that happiness, or perfect marriages or jobs would magically appear as soon as your pain disappears. What happens is the change in attitude: you change the way you look at your imperfect marriage or even more imperfect job and become better at handling imperfections of life, with less anger and resentment. With less anger and resentment boiling inside of you, you become a happier person.

 

[marley16]

I love the idea of this thread but I find the concept so hard to integrate into my life! There seem to be so many routes to take - I have been trying to heal from TMS for about 4 years now to no avail... Will I ever come to a conclusion on what the meaning of my symptoms are? It feels so alien to me still.

 

[Diana-M]

Do you know what pure awareness feels like? Do you know what it means to simply “be”? Because this is the key. You need to start peeling the layers off. You’re wearing a mask that you’re not aware of due to the conditioning of your entire life. The mask peels off when you enter a state of awareness and being.

The way to break the pattern is to become conscious and aware. Aware in a moment to moment way of what you are feeling and thinking. This is why mindfulness is so powerful.

For me it was just a constant shifting of focus form the physical to the emotional. I started catching myself in these chronic thought patterns and I would stop myself until they faded out over time. The brain is neuroplastic after all

Your goal cannot be to be healed of TMS. Your goal must be to awaken to the fundamental nature of who you are.

THE NON EXPRESSION OF YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF IS KEEPING YOU SICK.

Amazing thread! I’m just now beginning to have these concepts come into focus. It’s starting to make sense.

 

[TrustIt]

There’s only ONE THING that you need to understand if you want to get better and it’s not what you think it is.


It is simply this: Your goal cannot be to be healed of TMS. Your goal must be to awaken to the fundamental nature of who you are.


Once you have truly awakened and find yourself on the road to healing, you’re going to realize a few universal things that probably all people who have been down this road have realized.

1. You are far more than your physical body and this existence is a collective hallucination and delusion. You won’t just have faith that this is true, you will know it on a deep level.
2. You will literally begin to see the story of your life as if it was a play being acted out in front of you.
3. If you were formerly an atheist, you probably aren’t anymore. Conversely, you also probably aren’t a fervent follower of any one religion, either.
4. You can easily switch between states of consciousness and unconsciousness as if you were flipping a light switch.
5. You will become more forgiving as you realize that others’ bad behavior is a result of their unconsciousness (“forgive them father for they know not what they do”)
6. You may find yourself going inward and not discussing your experience with anyone who doesn’t already understand what path you’re on. You will find that there is no point to discussing it with most people because the act of discussion is probably ego-based. No need to discuss, just *be*
7. You will understand your true nature as a spiritual being having a physical experience.
8. The meaning of life will no longer be a mystery.

There are way bigger things at work here than merely reconditioning the pain pathways in your brain and body. That is a narrow-minded and body-focused view and if you subscribe to such a view you will likely have trouble recovering.


My awakening happened as a result of seeking knowledge over my short lifetime of 30 years. The straw that broke the camels back? I was given an illness earlier this year that was big enough and scary enough to hit me over the head with the truth and now that I see it I cannot unsee it.


Journaling will not cure you. SEP will not cure you. Reading every book in the universe on this subject will not cure you. Spending countless hours on this forum will certainly not cure you. These things very well may be the stepping stones you use to lead you to awakening but none of them will be the “cure” because they are keeping you focused on a delusion. That is a body-focused, material world-focused view. You are not your body.


Stop DOING, and start LIVING


It CAN happen to you. I never thought I’d be telling any of you this but trust me, it can and will happen for you BUT you need to become consciously aware of your ego. Your ego has a stranglehold on you and you may not realize it yet.


When you awaken to the truth you will look upon your ego as if it was a bully in the schoolyard who you THOUGHT was bigger and badder than you but it was really just a hologram the whole time and if only you had the courage to fight back, you would have seen that your hand passed right through him like a mirage (Think the wizard of oz)


I’m posting this because I want to dispel the myth that there is a system to defeating this. No. This is not true. Thinking this will keep you on the treadmill.


If there was any practical advice I could give you, it’s this. The trick is to peel away the layers of your life that don’t jive with your authentic self. The non expression of your authentic self is what is making you sick. You need to hear this again. THE NON EXPRESSION OF YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF IS KEEPING YOU SICK.


Every time you don’t speak up in a crowd of people for fear of what they’ll think, you put another layer on the mask. Every time you put your shoes on and walk out the door in the morning to go to a job you hate, you put another layer on the mask. Every time you act out of fear, you put another layer, and another layer, and another layer.... until you have no idea who you are anymore. And considering most of us have been doing this since childhood it’s a pretty damn safe bet that none of us know who we are before we awaken. That may sound arrogant but I stand by it.


I believe in all of you, I know you will get there. I know that because YOU ARE ALREADY THERE and you just don’t know it yet!


Please reach out to me with any questions. It is my sincere desire to help. This is my life’s mission.

savasana...i agree with every word here. i suggest a book by Dr. Joe Dispenza called "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself". His work is exactly this. Even though I have had the awakening to the illusion, understanding the difference b/t my ego mind and my divine essence, I remain locked in a loop of symptoms returning, trusting it is just my body healing itself, and wondering if I am helping or harming my body with things that I do to "help" it. I stay in my head entirely too much, I know, but it has proven very difficult to "pretend" pain is not real. As an example, I was dx'd with Hashimoto's. My symptoms are not very aligned with that, but I succumbed to medication for it in case the information about it "attacking the thyroid" is true. Is EVERYTHING illusion, or are their times when external help is needed. This is my constant loop that creates frustration and anxiety. I beg for help to LET GO of it all and just be and just trust that all is happening exactly as it should. Right now, I am dealing with horrible digestion, sleepless nights, and pain of all kinds. TMS is really quite similar to many ideas that tell us that anything we "want" is an expression of lack. We have to feel into the place of already having it. The emotion with that needs to be greater than that of the problem. I'm just stuck for some reason and feel willing and ready to move on, but I just circle around and remain the same. I'm a bit lost at the moment. Thank you for your thoughtful post. Every word rings true, as I have been on this journey for decades, just now getting to a fuller understanding of it.