1. Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this updated link: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/
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Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by savasana, Oct 24, 2019.

  1. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    You do have a choice my darling. You can choose yourself and your own healing. You are not responsible for anybody else. My mother-in-law is a narcissist so I know well how wretched they make life for those around them. However I have decided that I am done with her and the dysfunctional family dynamics and toxic relationships that have been part of my daily life for 30 years. 30 f****** years.

    Eighteen months ago I made the decision to have as little to do with her as possible but she is in her 90’s and has taken to creating medical dramas (involving paramedics, doctors, carers etc), which she has actually done her entire life, only now she leverages them with her age and apparent vulnerability. She last pulled this stunt a week ago.

    I have been stuck between a rock and a hard place, wishing to support my husband in his care for his mother whilst simultaneously knowing what she is. He knows too but for him the situation is complex. As indeed is yours.

    But I cannot indulge in this anymore. There are some amazing (free and paid for) resources out there for dealing with narcissism and particularly for recovering from it. If you are not aware of Pete Walker’s work on CPTSD I suggest you start there. It will explain your Freeze response as it relates to abuse.

    http://pete-walker.com/ (Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy)

    As for typical TMS healing, I found journaling to be of absolutely no help at all. If anything it made things much worse for me. This video pretty explains why this was so. Don’t let the title sway you. It’s germane to any narcissistic relationship.

    The guy in this video explains elsewhere the dangers of relating authentically with a narcissist. He recommends instead that you handle them as one would a snake. I find this to be excellent advice.

    I hope some of this is useful and gives you some confidence and clarity over how best to move on and heal.

    With love,

    Plum x
    TG957, zclesa, Mari and 1 other person like this.
  2. IamAwareness

    IamAwareness New Member

    Hey all, newbie here. As someone who "had an encounter" with a covert narcissist, that video is spot-on. Life as I knew it was completely annihilated. I NEEDED to break away from the toxicity at any and all cost and let the whole thing go which took some doing. My sanity literally depended on it. Was only then I experienced marked Improvement with my life situation. The other side of the coin is I've gotten to know myself so much better as a result of all this.

    It was refreshing for me to hear from a couple members that journaling wasn't an integral part of their recovery. I've done that in the past and it doesn't flow for me. Recently I've been more in touch with my emotions than never before. I don't connect with the rage thing very well as I'm Type B and seemingly very easy-going. But I'm totally open to a concept of Rage turned inward. I'm harder on myself than anybody could ever be towards me but that's been getting better.

    The o. p. resonated with me as we're on seemingly parallel paths. I also understand that it may not be for everyone. It's awesome to have an eclectic Community with different sets of experiences to broaden the scope of understanding that new people that can identify with. I'm extremely grateful that you all are here.
    zclesa, plum and Sita like this.
  3. zclesa

    zclesa Well known member

    @plum Thank you so much for these resources. I had a bit of meltdown and wrote my dad an honest 7-page letter about what mum did to me, because he was still protecting her at my expense. He came to visit and we had a good chat about it. He never realised how things really were with her and didn't understand the extent of her narcissism because it is largely covert. He does now and has agreed to support me.

    We have agreed to approach this in two ways 1. Don't rock the boat unnecessarily. 2. Set boundaries. So, we are not going to change any behaviour radically so that mum notices as has a narcissistic lashout. But if I go to visit them at their house, for example, I will not stay overnight anymore at my expense of being infantilised. I have 2 friends who live near then and I will stay at theirs instead because I'd like to see them too. I will also never ever ask my mother for help again, because every time I have help from her, it is given with no genuine warmth and sometimes with shame (always with shame when I was a kid). But she can help if she wants with practical stuff.

    I hope this is a sensible way to approach this. I will thoroughly check out those resources.

    @IamAwareness Best wishes for your healing. Covert narcissism is so difficult. It took me 39 years and countless therapists for anyone to spot that my mother was a covert Narc. She did "perfect parent mode" so very well in the presence of others.
    plum and TG957 like this.
  4. Skyotter

    Skyotter Newcomer

  5. TG957

    TG957 Beloved Grand Eagle

    I have been mostly away from the forum in the past couple years and I am so glad I found this thread, which goes so deeply into what healing is about. My dear old friend @plum chimed in, but I also discovered new voices, @savasana and @miffybunny, and others, so eloquent in their words and so exactly on point in their message.

    We can forever debate which method lead us to healing, whether it finding the source of rage, or journaling, or rolfing, or meditation, and whether it is your Christianity you were raised in or your newly found Buddhism set you on the path of healing.

    The truth is that each one of us is a unique universe, and so are the pains that torture us. We heal if we find our true souls again. Whatever religion we practice - or not practice, we need to have core beliefs in order to heal. Somewhere underneath the rituals, if we believe in something, we share the same God.

    When life beats us, we become obsessive and paranoid, in both devotion and denial. Finding your own soul underneath the fear and paranoia is what brings us healing.

    May all of us find our souls and heal!

    With love,

    Last edited: Jan 1, 2020
    Cap'n Spanky, WIRM, Goldy and 2 others like this.
  6. zclesa

    zclesa Well known member

    @miffybunny @savasana @plum I finally got what you were saying.

    I don't have to live here. I don't actually have to take on half the responsibilities I "decided" I had to. I can work things out financially. I over-complicated it with all my "excuses" because I thought they were real reasons.

    My narcissistic mother trained me to be like this, to feel helpless, to put endless demands and responsibilities on myself that never belonged to me. It is part of the issue. It's her programming in action, not things I would actually believe or choose if she hadn't programmed me so deeply. I couldn't see it. I do now.

    I can throw half of these concerns in the bin today because I see they are not REAL. It is just my programming telling me they are real.

    As @TG957 put it, realising this is part of truly finding my own soul.

    Thank you all for your wisdom. I will continue moving into truth. <3
    TG957 likes this.
  7. Kjarvis15

    Kjarvis15 New Member

    So are you saying everyone has to have the pefect job, marriage etc? Iy seems to me that our spiritual journey is deeper than being happy in a worldly sense.....

    Let me know your thoughts

  8. TG957

    TG957 Beloved Grand Eagle

    I don't think that happiness, or perfect marriages or jobs would magically appear as soon as your pain disappears. What happens is the change in attitude: you change the way you look at your imperfect marriage or even more imperfect job and become better at handling imperfections of life, with less anger and resentment. With less anger and resentment boiling inside of you, you become a happier person.
    Heavenly and miffybunny like this.
  9. marley16

    marley16 Newcomer

    I love the idea of this thread but I find the concept so hard to integrate into my life! There seem to be so many routes to take - I have been trying to heal from TMS for about 4 years now to no avail... Will I ever come to a conclusion on what the meaning of my symptoms are? It feels so alien to me still.

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