NewBeginning
Well known member
Had planned to just go over to the a place to try to do some work today and was going to drive because... oh so many reasons... even though it's a relatively short walk that I wouldn't have even thought twice about in the past.
Then, it kept getting a bit later and a bit later and thought, "No need to go! Look at yourself anyway (symptoms embarrassing!) and it will likely cause a major flair exacerbating all of this, already feeling pain and that digestive stuff, and you should stay inside since the sun is so intense right now, you can try to do some work here even more easily." Oh the internal dialogue!!
BUT, I put on a hilariously large brimmed hat and step by step - literally because I walked! - went over to the place - listening to the internal dialogue the whole way!
Didn't end up doing work there, but sat for a few minutes and journaled and then headed back. Building blocks.
Today's question to ponder was about being self-critical -- and well, yeah, even today when trying to do something simple like go out to this place caused a cascade of self-criticism and even once I returned from it kept on going. Sigh.
Then, the question to ponder was "why?"
And, I really have to think about that. It definitely is about protection and safety. And, I guess the self-criticism is trying to protect me from different things at different times, for sure. SO much of it feels very fundamental to survival in many ways. And, the self-critical part of me is like "And see it's worked... it's gotten you here" But I think now, it's time to also respond internally with, "uh, yeah see, it's gotten you here - to *this* current state so seems a good time for a reassessment to the value of it!"
But, yeah... random thoughts and hmmm, lots to continue to think / feel about
Then, it kept getting a bit later and a bit later and thought, "No need to go! Look at yourself anyway (symptoms embarrassing!) and it will likely cause a major flair exacerbating all of this, already feeling pain and that digestive stuff, and you should stay inside since the sun is so intense right now, you can try to do some work here even more easily." Oh the internal dialogue!!
BUT, I put on a hilariously large brimmed hat and step by step - literally because I walked! - went over to the place - listening to the internal dialogue the whole way!
Didn't end up doing work there, but sat for a few minutes and journaled and then headed back. Building blocks.
Today's question to ponder was about being self-critical -- and well, yeah, even today when trying to do something simple like go out to this place caused a cascade of self-criticism and even once I returned from it kept on going. Sigh.
Then, the question to ponder was "why?"
And, I really have to think about that. It definitely is about protection and safety. And, I guess the self-criticism is trying to protect me from different things at different times, for sure. SO much of it feels very fundamental to survival in many ways. And, the self-critical part of me is like "And see it's worked... it's gotten you here" But I think now, it's time to also respond internally with, "uh, yeah see, it's gotten you here - to *this* current state so seems a good time for a reassessment to the value of it!"
But, yeah... random thoughts and hmmm, lots to continue to think / feel about
