Day 7 Mourning

Last night I spent some time journaling. I wrote about a horrible experience where my mother was physically abused in front of me when I was eight years old. I wrote about how helpless I felt in that situation

Today, I find myself crying but not crying openly enough. I feel that the mental anguish has been stirred up, but is not overflowing. My physical pain has increased too. I am stuck in a stage where both physical and mental pain are fighting each other, the mental anguish wants to run untamed but the physical pain is trying to tie it down.

 

Hi, levfin.
You are dealing with a very traumatic early childhood experience. It will take time to reconcile yourself with it.
Journaling is one of the best ways to do that.

You may very well need to have a good, long, heartfelt cry. But then try to put the past behind you.
There was nothing you could do to prevent the attack on your mother. You felt helpless, sure, but there should be no guilt.

You need to live more in the present. The past experience is long gone and cannot repeat itself. So there is no sense re-living it.

Good luck dealing with this dilemma about physical and mental pain. They have become one with you. They are both part
of your Inner Bully. Tell it to go away, that you've done all you can to deal with both pains and now you are going
to move on with your life and be happy.

It's also best not to journal late at night or before bedtime. Disturbing thoughts can keep you awake.
I turn off the computer and telephone at about 6 or 8 pm every day. I prefer getting bad news the next morning.

 

Thank for your kind words, Walt. Its been a really bad day, but I am hopeful that this too shall pass!

 

Hi levfin003! I don't think you're stuck as you said "I am stuck in a stage where both physical and mental pain are fighting each other, the mental anguish wants to run untamed but the physical pain is trying to tie it down." Because you're aware of the two states, the mental and the physical. You're well on your way to healing when you can feel the two operating the way you do. I know it does not feel good AT ALL to be in this place but this is the healing. I went through a lot of emotional turvy when I was healing from the TMS. The more I journaled about it, the more aware I became and then the more aware I became - the more opportunities there were to find compassion for myself in the pain and eventually for others. Pat yourself on the back for letting yourself become aware!!!

 

I'm so sorry to hear of your emotional upheaval. And TMS just loves to piggyback on that. I agree with Walt that journaling can be a big help. So can various types of meditation. And it's possible for your adult self to revisit the painful scene and comfort your 8 year old self. That can be very powerful.
Blessings on your journey to healing.

 

I am feeling better today after being really bad for the last two days. I was so bad that I couldn't talk and had to cancel my psychotherapist appointment.

This morning, I woke up to the sound of my daughter cooing in her cot, and thanked God for what I have now.