I'm listening to this Jay Z song and trying trying trying to thank God for giving me this pain as a way to finally come to truth with my feelings -- this is a moment of clarity. The pain is so intense that I can't ignore it. I've been repressing so much for so long that I'm unable to even trust my brain to tell me how I'm feeling. My body will keep me honest. I'm clenching my teeth/gripping the steering wheel/balling my fists/experiencing leg and butt spasms -- ok stop. What are the emotions right now? This is such hard work. This may be the hardest thing I've ever done. OmG I'm angry and have rage and have sadness and feel lonely and lost. And it hurts. But I don't think I could admit to myself that I have these feelings if I weren't in such bad pain. So - Jay Z again - thank god for granting me this moment of clarity this moment of honesty.