Day 10 mixed feelings like happiness and also a bit fear

Slowly I unravel what happens in my unconscious mind, and it is flabbergasting what I see! So much is going on, related to stress and TMS. Thinking psychologically has been a important key until now. That helps to stay focussed and get things more clear.

The first couple of days I couldn't write because of the pain in my right arm. The mind was quite worried about that, and tried to held me away from doing this program. Fortunately there was a very strong wish to go on because of the pain, so I decided to speak to a memo recorder. This was very helpful!

I was astonished about how much emotions wanted to come out, while talking. My stomach hurted so much several times, although I thought the problem was in my arm and shoulder. But the strong movements, spasms and sounds just bubbled up from the stomach, as soon as I touched some rage inside of me. I let the screaming out. Fortunately the familily wasn't at home. I see how much I needed some stillness and safety around me.

These processes were pretty intense and I needed a lot of trust and courage, to just let it happen and not repress it again. The desire to know myself better and work from a different perspective with the pain in my body, helped me a lot. Fortunately these stomach-processes caused tremendous relief. As if the pain melted away instantly. Like a miracle. I guess that 90% of the pain already was gone during those first couple of excercises related to my TMS-list.

The I took a couple of days off, and started doing nice things again. Walking outside, playing a bit on the piano, and with my child. Not so much focussing on the pain was like a miracle too. I could experience how the process went on, how relaxation slowly came in. How the arm and shoulder were kind of normal again. I slept much better, stopped completely with pain-medication and the need for meditating during sleepless hours in the night also disappeared. Back to kind of normal life again. Very grateful for that, after 4 months trouble.

What happens now, is that there is some doubt growing, about how to go on. Something has changed inside of me. I guess it is about fear. That I will not succeed to the 100%. I have read some of the articles and post of other people about this issue, and noticed pain was immediately knocking on my door. Bit frightening. I now see how strongly I react to text, video's, other people's stories, and that there is so much going on inside me, what still needs to be cleared up.

I have decided to go slower and re-read soms stuff, to see what suggestions might support me to deal with the 'new' pains. They are not so overwhelming, but still they talk to me very clearly. I only need some more skills to decode what they try to tell me, I guess.

So, what I did this morning when my former physiotherapist was calling me, to ask how I am doing, was immediately taking a pause after the call. I had noticed some pain in my arms during talking, and tension in my throat, and now I took some time to look for an emotional cause. I saw some fear for not being taken seriously, and my mind was telling me that I shouldn't be open so much about what processes I go through. It was a very helpful process to pay attention to the emotions. The pain changed immediately and now, writing about it, I see it has completely gone!

Anybody relating to these insecurities about how to go on, and playing with new kind of pains?!

Thanks for reading my long story. I need some more words, as English is not my native language and I've decided to just write spontaneously, and not being so perfectionistic and reread it all. So I now hit the 'create thread' button and see what will happen!

 

Wow congrats on the progress you have made.. I'm finishing up my 2nd week that I feel I have done really well too. First week I did the program but decided to stop to finish reading my book. I didn't think I had any doubt but when I get an intense pain at that exact moment I turn on the (what if's )lol what if it's this or that I start thinking. Once I calm down and remind my brain it's TMS it starts to go away. I've had really some new pains this week moving around but I just keep on doing the same. So they only last a short time. I like to play the lectures on YouTube while I'm trying to sleep or getting ready in the AM. I think I absorb info this way much better. It's going to take some time to think this new way.. Reprogram our thinking lol. You are doing great don't be so hard on yourself. It's ok if we don't progress as fast as others.

 

Thanks for your encouraging words and your support to take it easy and keep going. Step by step. I relate to what you say about recognizing what needs to be done, calming down and reminding the brain to TMS, in the moment itself. Learning new and healthy habits!