Day 5 Missing Activity

I know it sounds silly but the biggest thing I've stopped doing, since my back has been in pain, is drive my car. It's so simple and I miss it so much. I am terrified of sitting in my car. I have definitely conditioned myself to believe that my car causes me more pain. To be able to drive my car without anxiety would be amazing. My car has been with me through so much. The seats are cozily warn in. It feels like home to me. I stopped driving it almost completely. Today I got in and drove around the neighborhood a little bit. I was totally fine, just hoping that I won't wake up tomorrow in bad shape. The truth is I am scared. I'm not fearless yet so I still have to deal with the fear. For now I will just drive little by little and work up to it.

 

When you first had the car - did it cause you pain to drive? Unless it is an extremely uncomfortable car - how could it cause you pain? It sounds like you are subliminally trying to punish yourself by not allowing yourself to use the car.... Have you had any issues like this in the past? Did your parents stop you driving their/your car if you dropped your grades - or something like that? I would think around the issues of doing what you like/your car and what it means to you (freedom/travel/autonomy) / how you have been stopped doing what you want in the past.... Maybe journal about it - see if something comes up. I think sometimes these things get 'flagged' up - because our inner self is wanting us to sort some problem out - its like a big hint... Good luck.

 

Thanks hecate! I had never thought about the emotional issues around the car. My car has actually been a source of stress over the past few years. I had a really large dip in income a couple years ago and have been trying to get things back on track for years. My car, although I love it, is 14 years old now and it eats away at me that I can't afford an upgrade -- that's the perfectionist, over achieving, hard on myself TMS personality rearing its ugly head. Ironically now I want to be able to drive it, because that would mean I'd be pain free. I think that there is a degree of acceptance that is necessary here, I need to accept where I am at before I can really move forward and love myself no matter what stage of life I am at. To answer your question, my car never caused me pain until about 6 months ago, when I think I conditioned myself to believe that there was a link between the car and the pain. I drove it some yesterday, and today my pain level has not increased. So that's my proof right there. The car DOES NOT cause an increase in pain.

 

Yay for insight, Brandon!
I had a similar experience when I first heard about TMS. When I read Healing Back Pain by Dr. Sarno, any kind of sitting led to horrible back pain. In the car I used a lumbar pillow religiously. After reading Sarno, I was able to sit without pain and ride in the car without the lumbar support.
Congrats on your progress!

 

Thank you both! I'm very happy to say I just got back from a trip to the dog park with my puppy, we took my car and I was fine. The car did not make the pain worse. I even realized after I left that there were a few minutes at the park when I completely forgot about my pain and was able to enjoy being there. I am now counting these small successes as big victories!

 

Well done Brandon. Now that u have gotten over the fear, I suggest u cover longer distances regularly till u completely get over the conditioning. I used to think the same abt my own car which is quite low & harder to get in & out of. Love yr puppy!

Mala