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Minor Irritations for 47 Years = TMS Symptoms

Elbe

Elbe

Peer Supporter
I am married for 47 years. We have a very good marriage, should be, if it lasted that long.
There are a lot of minor irritations though, which I take more seriously due to my perfectionist and serious personality. I normally think about what I say, while my wife doesn't. If I talk to her about it, her answer is: "Don't take everything I say so seriously". I probably get more angry about it than I realize, adding to my suppressed anger reservoir each day, which must be at bursting capacity, after 47 years. I feel that this is the main reason for my severe TMS symptoms, burning back pain. I journal-ed today about it and my back pain further increased. This could be a good sign, even though being very painful. I try to look past the pain, to these minor irritations. It is really silly of me to get angry about minor stuff, but this is me. What can I do, beside thinking psychological, to convince my subconscious mind to give up the distraction strategy since its cover is blown ?
 
'It is really silly of me to get angry about minor stuff, but this is me. What can I do, beside thinking psychological, to convince my subconscious mind to give up the distraction strategy since its cover is blown ?'

Wow Elbe, congrats on being married that long. Well done on recognising your perfectionist personality. For many ppl including myself this could well be the reason for our pain. Not just one traumatic event but a series of small things that trigger negative responses. You yourself have said that its silly to get angry about minor stuff. Now that u r aware of the triggers, the next step would be to change the habits that are causing it. In other words next time you r angry or irritated stop, pause, take a deep breath & ask why u r angry, is it something really worth getting upset about, is it you is it something about your wife, your relationship? Take some deep breaths & try to identify what is 'really' bothering you.

You may be surprised to find you ghave been conditioned to think & behave in acertain way.

Good luck!

mala
 
hey Elbe! What you wrote about was something I had to deal with just today. I went for a run and was using a heart rate monitor to track my output (I'll do anything to make running seem more interesting!!) But the numbers weren't showing up and I was getting really mad. Like way too mad to fit the situation. I had to ask myself "Really Molly? Really? You're going to let a set of numbers not recording ruin your time right now???' Of course as the anger came up so did the back pain. I ended looking UP and seeing the sky, the trees, then the dogs on the trail etc... to get my focus off of how I was feeling. After I calmed down some, I reviewed what was happening before I went for the run. I had a work call and someone I'm coaching just hit a huge Success marker! One that I've never even gotten close to. While congratulating her, I had repressed my own feelings of jealousy and envy. I think that was the beginning of the TMS anger spiral. I gave it some more thought and had to admit and accept that her success is completely due to the amount of work she puts into her business. And the reality is that I don't work that hard, probably never will <g> And that is the choice I make. So all that - was triggered by me getting mad about some stupid numbers on a heart rate monitor. I always have to ask myself What am I REALLY angry about? The journalling has helped me move through that questioning process.
Always love to read your posts and YES! Congratulations on having such a wonderfully long and rich relationship!
 
Hey Elbe, I am just reading a Claire Weeke's book and am on the relationship section. Claire is basically suggesting that other people annoy us because we are over sensitized. I guess her whole book answers the question of how to become less sensitized. I would suggest any of her work. I personally am less annoyed by others when I am in a good state of mind. Things are much easier to deal with at that time. I am at my best state of mind when I have done something I really like, or from journaling and/or releasing pent up emotions.
 
 
Thank you for your most helpful responses. Wow, this is great stuff. I am learning to get thankful for the pain forcing me to investigate and learning about my behavior and myself. Although I think my subconscious mind over does it with the pain intensity. We really have very few real issues in our marriage. That might also be the reason for making too much out of these irritations. I journaled today about how I am going to deal with this. I think the solution is most simple. I just forgive my wife for the irritations which have bothered me. This is actually easy for me to do, especially when thinking about all the good things, including taste and looks she has brought to our marriage. I consider myself very lucky. If I truly forgive her, how can I get angry at her? I start off doing it one by one and soon it will become automatic. It would be super to learn your opinions about my solution.
 
Thank you Walt for posting the links. I listened to them great stuff. It mainly focusses on depression, which I thankfully don't have. My wife often wonders that I am not depressed with all the pain and other TMS symptoms in my life. I enjoyed listening to the recordings. Such a powerful speaker and one always picks up some useful hints.
 
Elba, I think you're doing great.
When you get angry about something or someone, just think about what it is and my experience is
that I soon realize it is not very important. I do some deep breathing and laugh and the anger goes away.
 
"This is actually easy for me to do, especially when thinking about all the good things, including taste and looks she has brought to our marriage. I consider myself very lucky"
I think this is a great solution Elbe! Taking it out of the very minute yuck stuff and bringing to the larger perspective of time and developed love. I think by doing this, your wife is going to notice a difference in your patience and attention to her. I also love it that you made it a priority to deal with. You're well on your way to a pain free life!!
 
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