Migrating pain, going crazy and contemplating suicide

Hi everyone. I am 32 years old and I'm from Argentina.

I started with symptoms last year, on May, before a major trip. I was bedridden for a fortnight. I thought I had plantar fasciitis and sciatica (back, leg and feet pain). I have no idea how I managed to pack the suitcase and go. My first weeks were terrible, spent a lot of time in bed and had strange symptoms. Then, on the third week, the pain subsided.

After I came back, I suffered from sciatica symptoms every month. This January, my pain flared up once again and NEVER had a a day without pain ever since. Symptoms include migrating pain, especially in the sciatic nerve region (from lower back to both feet), but also in arms, hands, upper back, ribs, anywhere really. It changes all the time. I can have pain in one region and the next 10 minutes it's changed to something different. Sometimes it's a dull pain, sometimes it's needle-like, and sometimes it's a burning sensation.

So I went to the doctor. I had a full spine MRI, lab tests, neurologic tests and ecography + X-rays in both feet. Nothing showed up. I am """healthy""".

I also started yoga, and I try to meditate and make positive affirmations whenever I can.

Then I discovered "Healing Back Pain", and I thought: this is what I have, it is TMS. My pain bettered for a couple weeks and then came back. I have no idea why, I was so happy I was starting to think less about all this.

Yoga seemed nice at first, but now I don't know, since I always come back from practice with a lot of pain, which lasts days, and then I'll have another class. But ISN'T IT ALL PSYCHOLOGICAL? I keep doing it.

So I went to the rheumatologist to check for fibromyalgia (I had booked the assignment the month before), but the typical pressure points didn't hurt. So she said I have a "functional pain syndrome", a bit similar to fibromyalgia, and that I may or may not recover from it. She suggested more physical activity, psychotherapy and good sleep. She also prescribed 25mg of pregabaline every night (a very low dose), apart from the 75mg of benzodiazepine I was taking daily for anxiety (I don't know if my anxiety triggers the pain, if pain triggers anxiety, or both at the same time!).

My partner is getting very tired of my symptoms and I think it's ruining our relationship. I just can't be in the same mental state as before, and cannot do a lot of stuff I once did (like going dancing). I am unemployed, have no money, no income apart from what my partner makes and our country is in a big economic crisis, so finding a job is VERY hard right now. My family lives in another city and is not helping us in any way. I have no relatives here in Buenos Aires.

There are no TMS trained doctors here, nobody has heard of Sarno's theories and they just won't do it.

I have no idea what to do.
I envy everyone who is not in pain, or who is in temporary pain.
The idea that I might never recover from this despite of my efforts terrifies me as nothing had done.
I used to be such a strong, energetic, creative person. And I still am! I try to live a normal life, but who am i kidding, it's not the same as before, I think about this all the time. Pain is very efficient in destroying my will, as nothing else is.
I just want to live a life with less pain.
I only find suicide to be a viable solution. I think about this every day, and I'm going to tell my therapist because I really need help with it

Any tips?
I really don't know where and how to start!

 

Wyndra I am v sorry to hear abt yr suffering.

I am not a professional so my first & foremost advice to u is to seek help at once if u r feeling suicidal. Do not delay.

From yr post it seems u have a rather severe form of tms. The signs are

Pain moving from one area to another & changing
The fact that yr tests came back negative & that y r 'healthy'
Pain going away after u read HBP
Functional pain syndrome doesn't mean a thing. It's used by Drs when the can't find anything.


Anxiety leads to more pain which leads to more anxiety. It's the whole mind body thing. Pills may help short term to help get over a particularly bad period but not long term.

If u can't afford to see someone or find a trained tms dr or practioners u can still get better by reading tms books using the free resources available on this wiki.

Start the Structured Educational program immediately. Do it diligently for 40 days. Its v well structured & user friendly.
http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Structured_Educational_Program (Structured Educational Program)

Read the success stories of ppl like u who have recovered
http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Success_Stories_by_Symptoms_%26_Diagnoses (Success Stories by Symptoms & Diagnoses)

Watch these videos till they sink in
http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/forums/mindbody-video-library.44/ (Mindbody Video Library)

Read HBP again & again & get Steve Ozanichs @Steve Ozanich book The Great Pain Deception.

Look at Dr Schubiners website for lots of gd information & success stories.
http://www.unlearnyourpain.com (home)

These r all wonderful resources & they r free.

But again pls see or talk to someone immediately if u r feeling like giving up.

My bestest to u

Mala

 

Hi Wyndra. First of all take great heart and comfort that all your tests were normal. Even when X-rays and MRIs Aren't normal they are usually just showing normal abnormalities as Dr Sarno states. What is happening is, because of your fear and distress your pain is being amplified by your brain because you are in the "fight or flight" mode. I suggest you start with some slow, diaphragmatic breathing. Though so simple this can calm your nervous system down. Read Sarno over and over. The fact your pain moves around to various areas really points towards TMS. And that is wonderful. Also I would suggest googling Dr Jonathan Kuttner you tube talks on how our pain processing system is broken even when original injuries or whatever are healed. And he is a pain specialist MD who I think is wonderful in his approach to healing chronic pain. Even listening to his voice is calming. He has a program called the Life After Pain Club. You will learn what kind of pain type you have. It costs 25$ a month with no binding contract but just by going on you tube there are quite a few of his videos for free. He lives in New Zealand.
As Winston Churchill said " never ever ever give up". And he also said "when you're going through hell, keep going".

 

I am seeking help. I am not going to do anything for the time being. It0s just that I think every day of death as a way of relief. And it makes me both relieved and sad because I don't want to think about it, as I'd never once contemplated suicide before, not even in my teenage years.

I am reading this wiki in order to commit to the program asap. I'll also look for the resources you pointed me too. Thak you so much!!! Is Ozanichs' book also free to read on the net? (sorry I am so broke I can only read free material I find on the net, that's how I found HBP).

Thank you Mala!

 

Some times I understand and share this feeling. Some other times I wish I had something I could treat "normally", whether via medication or surgery. The idea of having a mindbody syndrome I *might* never overcome fills me with anguish and uncertainty, which doesn't help.

This is probably the first thing I'll ask my therapist to help me with, along with the suicidal thoughts.

$25 is more than what I am earning nowadays. My partner is helping with my medical and therapy costs, but I can't possibly ask for more right now while I'm trying to find a job. But I'll read Sarno again and do the 40-day program.

Thank you

 

hi im so sorry for your struggle, i have been there, i even attempted suicide three times from the agony of the pain. my pain is very low now, and if i can do it you can, as i am one of those people who feel doomed and the only one not to heal but its not true its just the brain lieing to us.

i would be happy to send you my copy of steves book if you want it, i just have to get it back off someone, its been doing the rounds . you are not alone okay!! if you ever need a friend message me.

it is overwhelming and can be for a while but it gets easier, its up and down but the more your teach yourself the tuth the ore your life wil change in many ways.

Keep t simple to start
read the daily reminders
talk to your brain as much as you want, out loud if you can
go slow and do something you used to do but try it for five muinites while telling your brain your safe over and over
have a go at journalling and see how it makes you feel. personally its not for me as i prefer to get angry at my fear and tackle it that way but we all find different ways. theres plenty of tools so dont worry.
lts get you reeading the book, do you have a kindle??

much love xx