Day 4 Maria's case

M

mk.maria

Newcomer
Hello, something I want to share.

Yesterday I had an emotional breakdown. After few hopeful and light days I got back to the "dark hole". Trigger was a stupid tiny thing, a word that my friend said to me with no intention to hurt me. To understand how innocent it was - he offered me to go by bus instead of taking a cub, because the cub couldn't seem to arrive (but since i'm sick it's hard for me to go by bus)..

It immediately discouraged/offended me and then made me angry because he didn't notice it and didn't calm me down straight away. At that moment I consciously was aware of how stupid it is, but couldn't do anything with the overwhelming emotions which felt like a snowball getting bigger and bigger, with new emotions adding up. At the end, shame and self-scorn were added, because I kind of saw myself from the outside of myself, and saw how stupid and ugly it was. Then added guilt towards my friend. Plus added hopelessness by understanding that I will always be trapped in such situations, cause I'm damaged and sick and can't cope with even such a tiny and innocent thing.

Emotions snowball: feeling offended / discouraged + anger / frustration + shame / self-scorn + guilt + hopelessness + sadness

Physical result: neck pain, migraine, apathy, weakness, lost of motivation to move forward

That's it. Doing such analysis helps me to get to a more stable psychological state, but to recover my physical state is more difficult, takes time and sleep. Every breakdown makes me very sad..


Now the homework:

What was the most disheartening thing a doctor has told you about your symptoms?
- "It's in your head" comments are most disheartening from doctors, when all the devices show my heart rate sky-rockets when I stand up (from 60 up to 170 BPM). Actually now with the TMS theory I see it's indeed in my head, but still, to get this comment from a doctor (who you really hope can help you), when you are terrified by what's going on in your body - is heavy.
- "To cure your POTS you need to take antidepressants" - i just don't respect neurologists, who cure every illness that they don't understand with antidepressants, which in the long term only worsen up your state.

In what ways have you kept that in your mind? I think those comments left me with offense, frustration, discourage and hopelessness.
 
Thank you for sharing. I am new here but I know this pattern well. What an achievement that you are able to recognize your emotions and their impacts so quickly! I am going to kindly challenge you on "understanding that I will always be trapped in such situations, cause I'm damaged and sick and can't cope with even such a tiny and innocent thing." Could that be a belief that you are holding on to and a misunderstanding rather than an understanding?
 
Kira790 said:
Thank you for sharing. I am new here but I know this pattern well. What an achievement that you are able to recognize your emotions and their impacts so quickly! I am going to kindly challenge you on "understanding that I will always be trapped in such situations, cause I'm damaged and sick and can't cope with even such a tiny and innocent thing." Could that be a belief that you are holding on to and a misunderstanding rather than an understanding?
Click to expand...
Hi Kira,

Thank you for your message! It's actually quite uplifting to read that someone in this world knows this pattern.. so I'm not alone

To answer your question :
Yes, it's a total misunderstanding or I'd rather say a negative falsy thought which adds up at the end of the emotional snowball and takes away the last bit of strength - like a "cherry on a pie". And even in that moment I understand that this thought is wrong and does no good to me, but the emotion (hopelessness and sadness) that follow up this thought are so strong and take over my whole consciousness that I no longer can fight it with logic. That's a trap. Of course sooner or later I get out from this state and are ready to fight again. But these situations really knock me down. I understand how important is to learn to stop this pattern at the very beginning, before this negative emotional snowball starts to grow.
 
I completely understand. For me this has been the hardest part of this work, changing my beliefs about myself. But it really is so great that you see the pattern! Hopefully with more awareness and as you progress, each time you are feeling knocked down, it will be less severe and last less time. It is wild how our brains both make up the stories and then start believing them - when they aren't even true!
 
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