Day 16 Maria's case (I need advice)

[mk.maria]

As a child, I developed a deep fear of anticipation. It was so intense that the anticipation of an event was often more traumatic for me than the event itself. I was constantly waiting to see what state my dad would come home from work in. I would be under enormous tension until I heard the key turning in the lock. Just from that sound, I could already tell what kind of state he was in.

Why was I so terrified of him coming home slightly drunk, drunk, or completely wasted?
Even when he was just a little drunk, he was no longer the same person I knew as my dad. Something about his state made me deeply uncomfortable. Everyone felt uncomfortable, especially my mom, and I would start feeling angry with him.

When he came home drunk, it was awful because he still had enough energy to be confrontational. He would often say horrible things to my mom and humiliate her. I was afraid of him in that state. My heart ached for my mom, and I felt overwhelming anger towards him. Everything that was happening felt so painful and unbearable. I would be consumed by despair and hatred towards him.

When he came home extremely drunk, he was barely functioning. It was a horrible sight. I felt sorry for him and, at the same time, incredibly angry with him for getting himself into that state. I felt ashamed, uncomfortable, and hopeless.

This fear of anticipating someone else's emotional state is still with me. My dad has passed away, I'm now in my thirties, and I experience very similar feelings towards my husband. He's not an alcoholic, but he sometimes goes through bad moods and depressive periods. Although his moods and negativity are never directed to me, it's just in him, in the room - I can't stand it. I'm terrified of those states because I feel like I simply cannot bear them.

Usually, I become hysterical and start packing my things to leave the house, just to escape his negativity. This shifts his attention away from his own emotional state and onto me and our relationship, which acts like a cold shower for him and snaps him out of it. But of course, this is an extreme reaction. I end up hurting myself emotionally during these outbursts, and leaving home simply because my husband is in a bad mood seems completely disproportionate.

Yet to my nervous system, it doesn't feel disproportionate at all. Even the slightest negativity feels unbearably painful to me. I have a highly sensitized nervous system, shaped by trauma and hypersensitivity, plus my TMS disease, I genuinely start feeling physically unwell.

And I think it's not so much the other person's negativity itself (although that affects me too), but rather the fact that I cannot tolerate any of it. I immediately become angry, start blaming the person, and even feel hatred towards them. I seem unable to protect my own inner peace and emotionally separate myself from another person. I struggle to allow someone to be in their own emotional state without losing my own inner light in the process.

Maybe someone went through similar things and knows if there any techniques that could help me retrain these deeply ingrained responses? Would be so grateful for any thoughts

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Hi Maria - I have a theory and I'm not saying I'm correct, but it would make sense based on TMS theory. I don't think techniques work as well until you understand what is truly going on.

I think you're spot on in terms of it's not the person's negativity itself that gets to you, but the fact that you can't tolerate it. The question then becomes, why can't you tolerate it? I think your childhood explains it. You had genuine feelings of anger towards your father, which you likely at a subconscious level felt guilt and shame for. That guilt and shame is actually a survival mechanism; your survival brain tagged that anger as dangerous because it thought "we can't be too angry at our caregiver, as that might damage the relationship and then we won't have anyone to take care of us. we might perish". Those feelings then get repressed, which is often the cause of TMS. That has led to you taking too much responsibility for the emotions of others - it's to actually avoid feeling that way again - at a conscious level you don't want to feel the guilt and shame, and at a subconscious level you don't want to feel the anger underneath as your brain has labelled it as dangerous.

Fast forward to today - it's not so much that you can't handle your husband's emotions, but you can't handle the way they make you feel. The anger and hatred you have towards others for their emotions is another kind of protective mechanism so that you don't have to feel the guilt and shame - you're essentially angry at the person for being able to stoke that within you (that's what most anger is - I'm angry at you because I want to deter you/stop you from making me feel a certain way). If it didn't make you feel that way, you wouldn't care and there'd be no need for the extra anger beyond the initial annoyance at a bad mood (which we all have).

I think the key is to appreciate that you're now able to feel anger and annoyance at someone for their emotional state safely. You are no longer reliant on someone else for survival, the stakes are no longer that high. You don't need to take responsibility for the emotions of others because the consequences of their emotions are no longer that great. The practice is to let someone be in their emotions and let yourself be annoyed at them without letting that descend into guilt and shame. As soon as that tug comes, reassure yourself that you're entitled to be angry and upset at someone for their state, and that doesn't need to be repressed. It might sound ironic and counter-intuitive, but the more comfortable you are with being perturbed by someone else's emotions the less perturbed you will be and the less you'll need to control their state. The worst thing that can happen now is you get annoyed, whereas before it was get annoyed, feel guilt and shame because the anger is dangerous, repress it as a result which only makes you feel worse and leads to symptoms. Become more comfortable with sitting in your initial annoyance without guilt, and your reactions will cease being extreme (as the only reason it gets extreme is because you fight it, because the brain thinks it's dangerous based on the past - I can't be angry so I'm going to get more angry to try and get the person to stop their mood, which was the cause of the initial anger in the first place).

Hopefully that made sense (probably not my best explanation ever), but let me know

 

[mk.maria]

Dear Adam, thank you so much for being so involved, caring, and generous with your insights!

I think you're spot on in terms of it's not the person's negativity itself that gets to you, but the fact that you can't tolerate it. The question then becomes, why can't you tolerate it? I think your childhood explains it. You had genuine feelings of anger towards your father, which you likely at a subconscious level felt guilt and shame for. That guilt and shame is actually a survival mechanism; your survival brain tagged that anger as dangerous because it thought "we can't be too angry at our caregiver, as that might damage the relationship and then we won't have anyone to take care of us. we might perish". Those feelings then get repressed, which is often the cause of TMS. That has led to you taking too much responsibility for the emotions of others - it's to actually avoid feeling that way again - at a conscious level you don't want to feel the guilt and shame, and at a subconscious level you don't want to feel the anger underneath as your brain has labelled it as dangerous.

I've read about this in TMS materials, but I can't quite identify or recall feelings of shame and guilt in those moments, at least not now as an adult. Maybe they really do occur on such a deep subconscious level that they're not as easily detectable as strong emotions like anger, frustration, and others. I feel more like these intense emotions, when I experience them, trigger such a strong physiological response in my body that I immediately start feeling physical pain and discomfort.

Fast forward to today - it's not so much that you can't handle your husband's emotions, but you can't handle the way they make you feel.

This is 100% how it is! I can't stand how other people's emotions make me feel, and that I can't handle my own emotions that arise in response to them. I feel like it's incredibly painful for me to experience any kind of negative emotions, whether they come from within me or from the people around me, if that makes sense.

The anger and hatred you have towards others for their emotions is another kind of protective mechanism so that you don't have to feel the guilt and shame - you're essentially angry at the person for being able to stoke that within you (that's what most anger is - I'm angry at you because I want to deter you/stop you from making me feel a certain way).

In situations with my husband, I still don't see a connection between anger and guilt/shame. It's more like his negative energy is hanging in the room, taking away my sense of safety and calm. I immediately tense up, and that's what makes me angry with him. Then the anger makes me feel even worse. I start experiencing intense physical pain, which makes me even angrier with him - it's like a vicious cycle.

If it didn't make you feel that way, you wouldn't care and there'd be no need for the extra anger beyond the initial annoyance at a bad mood (which we all have).

YES!! That's exactly what I long for — to reach a point where other people's emotional states don't affect me the way they do now. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing a protective layer, like people with "butterfly skin" syndrome.

I think the key is to appreciate that you're now able to feel anger and annoyance at someone for their emotional state safely. You are no longer reliant on someone else for survival, the stakes are no longer that high. You don't need to take responsibility for the emotions of others because the consequences of their emotions are no longer that great. The practice is to let someone be in their emotions and let yourself be annoyed at them without letting that descend into guilt and shame. As soon as that tug comes, reassure yourself that you're entitled to be angry and upset at someone for their state, and that doesn't need to be repressed.

I'm gonna print this out and hang it on my wall, so the next time a situation like this comes up, I'll read it and try my best to follow your advice. Maybe I'll be able to recognize the hidden shame/guilt and notice when I'm trying to repress my emotions. I'll observe what happens. Thank you!

It might sound ironic and counter-intuitive, but the more comfortable you are with being perturbed by someone else's emotions the less perturbed you will be and the less you'll need to control their state. The worst thing that can happen now is you get annoyed, whereas before it was get annoyed, feel guilt and shame because the anger is dangerous, repress it as a result which only makes you feel worse and leads to symptoms. Become more comfortable with sitting in your initial annoyance without guilt, and your reactions will cease being extreme (as the only reason it gets extreme is because you fight it, because the brain thinks it's dangerous based on the past - I can't be angry so I'm going to get more angry to try and get the person to stop their mood, which was the cause of the initial anger in the first place).

Now, as I'm going through your message step by step and reaching the end, it's actually starting to make sense to me. Maybe you're right. I'm so afraid of these situations that as soon as they arise, I immediately start fighting against them, which only makes everything worse and reinforces the same neural pathways and patterns of behavior.

Thank you so much, Adam, you are a great great help and support to us

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I've read about this in TMS materials, but I can't quite identify or recall feelings of shame and guilt in those moments, at least not now as an adult.

I wouldn't be surprised if you don't remember it in the moment - what I should have asked is do you often judge yourself for your own emotions? If so, then guilt/shame is likely playing a part here. You might not, in which case it's purely that the anger was unsafe as a child and that's what causes the intense reaction (there's not an added protective layer of shame/guilt, which is really the same thing as the symptoms in that both are trying to protect you from the supposedly dangerous emotion). I had both in my case, I didn't allow myself to feel anger as I had tagged it as dangerous, so there was heaps of self-judgment (judging myself saying "you shouldn't be angry") to protect me from it in addition to symptoms (it was like two layers of protection).

In situations with my husband, I still don't see a connection between anger and guilt/shame. It's more like his negative energy is hanging in the room, taking away my sense of safety and calm. I immediately tense up, and that's what makes me angry with him. Then the anger makes me feel even worse.

So if it's there I think that's why the anger is making you feel even worse - if you fully accepted it then it might be slightly uncomfortable but not to this degree I feel. Like I said, guilt and shame (if there) is just another protective mechanism to get you to avoid the anger, because it's been tagged as dangerous based on your childhood experience.

YES!! That's exactly what I long for — to reach a point where other people's emotional states don't affect me the way they do now. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing a protective layer, like people with "butterfly skin" syndrome.

And I think it's not because these people don't initially get annoyed - they do - we all do if someone is in a bad mood around us to an extent - the difference is that they accept their own anger without judgment, it hasn't been tagged as dangerous.

You're most welcome! I'm glad if it helps