Day 2 Mad and Sad

Matt here (shoulder pain sufferer for 3+ years)

I know that today's exercise is meant for personal journaling, but I feel that being open about my emotional issues on here could help others. So here it goes...

3 Things That Make Me Mad

1. My parents divorce: I was 15 when my parents separated and 17 when the divorce was finalized. I suffered a great deal of emotional pain during that time. I stopped socializing, stopped believing that I should ever get married, and stopped being hopeful for my future altogether. I gained weight (eating was definitely a coping mechanism) and even had a stomach ulcer my senior year of high school. My relationship with my parents is much better, especially the last 5 years. But thinking back to that time period, I feel intense anger. That is a very important period for any person growing up and discovering who they are and who they want to be.

2. Switching majors in college: I was initially a Business Admin major with aspirations of life in corporate America. The suit and tie. The corner office. All that stuff. I was in year 3 of college, taking courses for my major and trying to finish up math prerequisites. I was very good at math in high school, but was unable to get into a math class my first 2 years of college because of high demand and late sign up dates. By the time I was able to get a math class, I was over 3 years removed from doing ANY math at all. I was rusty. I struggled with college math, and tutoring didn't seem to help. It looked as though I would have to repeat a math class the next quarter. I was a transfer student, coming from a local community college to a 4-year UC school. The rules for transfer students were that you had to have all prerequisite classes finished within the first 2 quarters or you had to change your major. I was now faced with a decision: change my major or transfer to another school out of the UC system. I chose the former. I wanted to stay where I was. I changed my major to History, thinking that I would possibly go into teaching. Upon graduation, I realized that teaching was not my passion. I was happy to be finished and proud to be the first person in my family to get a degree, but it bothers me today that I didn't go down the Business Admin route. I get mad, mostly at myself for not sticking with my initial plan, and a little angry at the school for not letting me go at my own pace.

3. Being rejected by my best friend/crush: I was about 20 years old at the time. I was best friends with a girl I had known since elementary school. She had a rough couple years after high school ended, dating the wrong guy. He abused her on many occasions physically. By the time we reconnected, she had left him (vowing that it was for good). She had a baby, and the ex was in and out of jail. The friendship was very close, and I had developed strong feelings for her. She was turning her life around, and it seemed like she was interested in me as well. There were dates, late night phone calls, the typical early stages of a relationship. I went on a vacation with some family over a holiday weekend, and upon returning things seemed to change. She was distant with me. It went on for a couple months. I was baffled. It turned out that during that vacation, she had started seeing her ex again. He got her pregnant for the second time. And she hid all of this from me. There was more abuse. I had to find this out from other people. I felt betrayed. Just when I thought she had started viewing me as boyfriend material, she was drawn back to her ex. I tried to plea with her that even if she didn't want to be with me, she needed to cut ties to her ex. We had a huge argument, and eventually stopped talking entirely. The whole thing still bothers me. She is now married to a great guy (not the ex), and I'm single. I want to be happy for her, because I truly did want her to get out of that abusive relationship. But I also wanted to be with her. And I never really had that chance. We are cordial today, but definitely not friends. And that's ok, with her being married and all, it makes total sense. I have carried anger in my heart for many years though, looking back on that time.

3 Things That Make Me Sad

1. Comparing myself to my friends: I've known my three closest friends since kindergarten. That's over 20 years. I was always the "smart one" in the group. They cheated off my tests, my homework. I was always tutoring them in high school. They weren't interested in college. I was the one with aspirations. We're now 27 years old, and my friends are all married and in very fulfilling careers. I'm single, left an unrewarding job about 6 months ago and working part time for a family member's business while looking for my next career. I have immense shame. I'm not where I thought I'd be. I often compare myself with where my friends are in life, and it always leaves me with sadness. I see myself as a loser, and I'm worried that they secretly think the same of me.

2. My home life: I rent a house with my sister, her husband and children. She is also a chronic pain sufferer. She lashes out at her husband and kids often, and there is a lot of yelling. She has always been an emotional person, even before our parents split up. She doesn't deal with stress well and the pain makes her even more volatile. She is not very open to her back and hip pain being TMS. Our home is not a peaceful one. I would love to be out on my own, but cannot afford it until I settle in to a full-time job. The home life I see now with my sister and her family reminds me very much of the last few years of my parents marriage.

3. My health: I have gained weight, especially since developing TMS symptoms in my shoulder. I'm less active. I eat to cope with life. It's not a good combination. With this recent resolve to tackle the TMS, I'm now structuring an eating plan and workout plan. I feel as though I need to address my physical health, not just my emotional health. My life needs a reset, in many ways. I feel sadness about letting my life get to this point. I don't do the things I used to enjoy. I used to love playing pick up basketball games with friends and strangers. I used to be more social. My health has hindered me, especially since developing TMS. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I feel sadness because of my general unhealthiness. I'm 27 years old, and should be in the peak physical shape of my life. Sadly, I'm in the worst shape that I've ever been in. With that said, I'm choosing to acknowledge all of these repressed emotions and make the necessary changes to not only overcome chronic pain, but become a much healthier and happier person.

I know this post is VERY long, but I do appreciate those of you who read it and have advice or find similarities. I want to encourage people and be encouraged in this forum.

-Matt

 

Hi, Matt. I'm glad you wrote this long post about your life and symptoms. I may not be able to reply in the depth you'd like, but will try hit the main bases.

I journaled to discover I was repressing emotions from my parents' divorce when I was seven. It left me with feelings of abandonment and insecurity. Journaling helped me to forgive them, and forgiveness ended my severe back pain. It's good that you are getting along with your parents better now. Divorce may be the best for parents, but not for their children. It can leave lasting emotional scars. I had to learn to be strong for myself and find my own ways to be self-confident and secure. I believe everyone has to find those two things whether they are children of divorce or not.

Switching majors from business to history won't be a problem... you'll find your right nitch. A friend got a doctorate degree in history and made his career in marketing.

Being rejected by a close friend is not new to me. A friend who was like my brother betrayed our friendship by being dishonest in business. For me, that killed the friendship. I was fortunate enough to meet new friends and they are the very best anyone could have. The friendships began for me 40 years ago and are as strong or stronger today. Some others I thought would remain my close friends forever drifted away. I just feel blessed with the friends I have.

You may not have an ideal situation renting a house with your sister and her family, but until you get fulltime work, it may be the best situation. In today's crazy economy and politics, be glad you have what you have.

As for your health... try to eat more fruits and vegetables, chicken and fish, and void red meat (but no need to cut that out entirely). Do what exercise you can. You will get healthier and stronger... keep believing in TMS healing you.

 

Hi Matt,

I was touched by your post and your willingness to be honest with yourself. It takes a lot of courage to do this work at times. You are well on your way. I suggest that you also focus on developing self compassion. You sound a little hard on yourself. It's a balancing act to be both honest to ourselves, while at the same time being kind.

Wishing you the best....