loud fireworks

Thank you for those beautiful words, @Northwood.

@eskimoeskimo, I couldn’t have said it better then the post above. Many people are trying to connect with you in this thread because even if we experience different situations, we’ve experienced similar feelings. That’s one of the reasons my posts are so long and filled with detail. It’s like, I always wanted to know that someone out there understood how I felt, and sometimes I get super wordy and descriptive because maybe someone else needs to know that I’ve experienced something similar. Northwood is right - we do see you!
 
Northwood said:
I'll add, sometimes, too, when things feel really hopeless we need someone to SEE us. Be there with us in our humanity. I'm 61 and just dealt with the death of my father. We had a painful relationship right up to the end, and I sat with his dead body for a long time. And I carry this ongoing physical pain that I just can't get away from sometimes. Bums me now and then, and sometimes I feel deep despair, as if a too-easy road opens up between where I am and checking out. I've learned that being seen helps even if it doesn't exactly fix the pain, it is something that can bless me into the next moment. And the next moment other feelings come, even humor. Everything--the moment--keeps changing. Relationships help. Tonight, I SEE you. Want you to know that.
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Thank you for your very thoughtful and kindhearted words here, Northwood. They do pierce through the fog of the despair I am feeling. I am sorry for your loss; that you have your own struggles to contend with makes me even more grateful that you have taken the time to try to help me with mine, and to see me. I see you too. Thank you
 
Dorado said:
Thank you for those beautiful words, @Northwood.

@eskimoeskimo, I couldn’t have said it better then the post above. Many people are trying to connect with you in this thread because even if we experience different situations, we’ve experienced similar feelings. That’s one of the reasons my posts are so long and filled with detail. It’s like, I always wanted to know that someone out there understood how I felt, and sometimes I get super wordy and descriptive because maybe someone else needs to know that I’ve experienced something similar. Northwood is right - we do see you!
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Believe me Dorado, your posts - the longer the better - have gotten me through some hard times. And for the very reason you mention. I can tell from your descriptions that you know what it’s like, that you’ve been where I often am. I think we’re the same age and have substantially similar backgrounds and constitutions from what I can tell. And I believe you when you say there are still sunnier uplands. I just wish I could figure some way to even start crawling towards them. I feel like I’m on a treadmill in a Bosch painting.
 
@eskimoeskimo, you are a very thoughtful and well-articulated person. I am willing to bet that you provide a lot of value when it comes to your passions as well as people around you. Do you feel like you have a strong support group? What kind of advice do they give you? Do you feel free to open up to them?
 
Dorado said:
@eskimoeskimo, you are a very thoughtful and well-articulated person. I am willing to bet that you provide a lot of value when it comes to your passions as well as people around you. Do you feel like you have a strong support group? What kind of advice do they give you? Do you feel free to open up to them?
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Thanks Dorado, same to you. I do have very supportive friends and family. Everyone says more or less the same thing, regardless of whether they’re familiar with ‘TMS’ per se. But I think at this stage, everyone is kind of at a loss. Everyone can see that I am not making any progress, and my ability to function is becoming less and less. I feel like I’ve tried everything.
 
Dorado said:
The right call of action depends on where you live. Personally, I live in a major U.S. city with millions of people and a lot has been going on over here. Neighborhoods all over my city experienced continuous fireworks that were making people on Facebook and Reddit question whether they were hearing explosions, gunshots, etc. There was a sense of relief when someone would confirm they saw the fireworks from a window or reminded panicked people how to tell the difference between gunshot sounds and fireworks. It seems to be a nighttime thing and sometimes I could hear ongoing fireworks from my flat for multiple hours in a row - this is not an exaggeration. I actually want to know how much money people have invested in fireworks because it must be a hell of a lot. People were complaining in community groups because it's disturbing their anxiety, pets, children, etc. This was occurring while my city recently had a record number of shootings (which my city is unfortunately very familiar with, so breaking one of our records is severe) and other major things happening, which is why the police understandably weren't and aren't coming to stop fireworks. The National Guard was brought in this time, so you can picture how low priority fireworks were. Authorities wouldn't have even been able to respond to calls about someone breaking into a home, stealing from a pharmacy, etc. Residents had to deal with those issues on their own.

All this said, I certainly understand how unnerving fireworks can be and what it's like to feel like you literally have no control over the noise. We've had zero control and countless people in my city have been pissed off. However, while it's complete BS and totally unfair and wrong, we've had to try to cope with it. In addition to listening to the sound advice in @Dfw's post above, I highly recommend trying to calm your sympathetic nervous system down when something like this happens. If you can talk this out with your neighbors (ideal, but not always possible) or call for help, do so because yes, this is a violation. But if you're stuck in a situation like me where that's not possible for whatever reason, you need to focus on what's in your control. And think about it like this - if hearing loss were going to happen from the safety of your own home, hundreds of thousands of people in my city would probably be deaf by now. We're definitely not.
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Sure enough, even in my new quiet and peaceful neighborhood, one of those extremely loud fireworks went off all of a sudden just outside my apartment at 4:30am, and I wasn’t wearing any hearing protection. It shook the whole building, and I was right next to the window nearest the boom. I’ve been panicking ever since. The only thing I can tell myself is that I’m on the 3rd floor above street level, but I’m pretty darn sure this blast was loud enough to cause hearing loss. Idk what’s going on this summer or where people are getting these illegal fireworks, but it’s starting to feel like a cruel joke.
 
Dorado said:
There’s always hope. ❤️ I used to feel that way, too. From the time I was in elementary school and writing in my dairy about wishing for life to just stop because it all felt too painful. OCD drove me insane back then, but I’m so grateful for my life and even my negative experiences because they’ve helped me better connect and emphasize with people, even from a professional perspective at work as I start to become more of a leader. I truly believe that your life can get better. What makes you feel happy and relaxed, even if only for a short moment?
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Is it crazy to think that just one of these booms could cause permanent hearing loss? I can't believe how loud they are. I see people are complaining of this all over the country in every major city. I can't imagine what hell it must be for combat veterans.
 
@eskimoeskimo, I'm sorry to hear your new neighborhood isn't as peaceful due to the fireworks. I have seen a growing number of articles about Chicago, Dallas, Los Angeles, New York City, Miami, etc. experiencing maddening fireworks. I'm in one of those cities and can attest to bad it has become. They're just everywhere, regardless of the neighborhood. My cat has been disturbed, the fireworks have set off car alarms, etc. That said, remember the advice you've been given in this thread: you aren't alone, your hearing will be fine, it's important to relax your sympathetic nervous system and remember that if you weren't hyper-focused on fireworks then it'd be something else, etc. According to what I've read, these fireworks may be the result of boredom during quarantine/social distancing, and it's unfortunate reality that many of us have to live with right now. I grew up with a deaf friend and she would fully agree this is not worth the constant worry you seem to be dealing with right now.

Also, add growing up right next to one of the biggest airports in the country to my previous post where I go over all the damage I've been around since the day I was born. I was in fifth grade when people started putting "SAY NO TO MORE AIRPORT EXPANSION!" signs in front of their homes because the growing noise from the airport traffic was also quite maddening. Despite the airport noise, despite being closer to chaos, despite having the resources to move wherever and whenever they wanted, etc. It's about accepting risks because no matter how safe your neighborhood, job, financial stability, etc. may be right now, life is never without risks. Even my family had actually moved to the smallest, quietest town ever back in the day, there would've been something. Because it really always is something, huh? ;)
 
Dorado said:
@eskimoeskimo, I'm sorry to hear your new neighborhood isn't as peaceful due to the fireworks. I have seen a growing number of articles about Chicago, Dallas, Los Angeles, New York City, Miami, etc. experiencing maddening fireworks. I'm in one of those cities and can attest to bad it has become. They're just everywhere, regardless of the neighborhood. My cat has been disturbed, the fireworks have set off car alarms, etc. That said, remember the advice you've been given in this thread: you aren't alone, your hearing will be fine, it's important to relax your sympathetic nervous system and remember that if you weren't hyper-focused on fireworks then it'd be something else, etc. According to what I've read, these fireworks may be the result of boredom during quarantine/social distancing, and it's unfortunate reality that many of us have to live with right now. I grew up with a deaf friend and she would fully agree this is not worth the constant worry you seem to be dealing with right now.

Also, add growing up right next to one of the biggest airports in the country to my previous post where I go over all the damage I've been around since the day I was born. I was in fifth grade when people started putting "SAY NO TO MORE AIRPORT EXPANSION!" signs in front of their homes because the growing noise from the airport traffic was also quite maddening. It's about accepting risks because no matter how safe your neighborhood, job, financial stability, etc. may be right now, life is never without risks. Even my family had actually moved to the smallest, quietest town ever back in the day, there would've been something. Because it really always is something, huh? ;)
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Thank you Dorado. It really always is something. I guess that in and of itself is evidence. It always feels like this is the thing I can't live with, if only it would stop I could move on, I could live with the rest. But that's never been true.
 
Dorado said:
@eskimoeskimo, I'm sorry to hear your new neighborhood isn't as peaceful due to the fireworks. I have seen a growing number of articles about Chicago, Dallas, Los Angeles, New York City, Miami, etc. experiencing maddening fireworks. I'm in one of those cities and can attest to bad it has become. They're just everywhere, regardless of the neighborhood. My cat has been disturbed, the fireworks have set off car alarms, etc. That said, remember the advice you've been given in this thread: you aren't alone, your hearing will be fine, it's important to relax your sympathetic nervous system and remember that if you weren't hyper-focused on fireworks then it'd be something else, etc. According to what I've read, these fireworks may be the result of boredom during quarantine/social distancing, and it's unfortunate reality that many of us have to live with right now. I grew up with a deaf friend and she would fully agree this is not worth the constant worry you seem to be dealing with right now.

Also, add growing up right next to one of the biggest airports in the country to my previous post where I go over all the damage I've been around since the day I was born. I was in fifth grade when people started putting "SAY NO TO MORE AIRPORT EXPANSION!" signs in front of their homes because the growing noise from the airport traffic was also quite maddening. Honestly, I grew up in a family where money was not an issue and my parents talked about moving further away and took us to look at some cool houses fairly often for several years, but they made the choice to stay where they were because they loved the community. Despite the airport noise, despite being closer to chaos, despite having the resources to move wherever and whenever they wanted, etc. And that's pretty much what I'm doing today - accepting risks because no matter how safe your neighborhood, job, financial stability, etc. may be right now, life is never without risks. Even my family had actually moved to the smallest, quietest town ever back in the day, there would've been something. Because it really always is something, huh? ;)
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I was "caught" by 3 more of the loud ones. They're driving me nuts. My ears are ringing, especially my left one, and I have a very hard time believing that tinnitus is TMS. TMS people often say that, but I am skeptical. I do not see any evidence apart from a few anecdotes. The mainstream opinion is that it's typically related to damage to the hair cells ie hearing loss. I'm worried about permanent tinnitus, and extremely worried about even minor hearing loss.
 
eskimoeskimo said:
I'm worried about ... and extremely worried about...
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Worrying about it won't change the situation/outcome so, you have 2 choices:

a) accept it, or
b) choose to not let it bother you.

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”
 
Sita said:
Worrying about it won't change the situation/outcome so, you have 2 choices:

a) accept it, or
b) choose to not let it bother you.

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”
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Beautiful post!
 
@eskimoeskimo, tinnitus can absolutely be the result of TMS/the mind-body connection. I thought the same thing back in 2017 when there were hardly any success stories regarding serious nerve issues. Some individuals have even experienced psychosomatic blindness, which isn’t something many people would ever guess can be caused by TMS. But again: If it weren’t tinnitus, it’d be something else.

My iPhone’s health data tracker told me that my music was “Loud!” yesterday. I guess I was listening to music way too loudly while walking around my neighborhood. I’m not going to sweat it. What’s done is done.

Please read the advice from @Sita above and take it in - they’re right!
 
Dorado said:
@eskimoeskimo, tinnitus can absolutely be the result of TMS/the mind-body connection. I thought the same thing back in 2017 when there were hardly any success stories regarding serious nerve issues. Some individuals have even experienced psychosomatic blindness, which isn’t something many people would ever guess can be caused by TMS. But again: If it weren’t tinnitus, it’d be something else.

My iPhone’s health data tracker told me that my music was “Loud!” yesterday. I’m not going to sweat it. What’s done is done.

Please read the advice from @Sita above and take it in - they’re right!
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Do you know of any evidence? There are a lot of people on here willing to say it can be TMS, but not much evidence. There are also a lot of people saying it's not as noticeable when they don't focus on it - but that is not the same thing. I want to know if it can go away, not just can it become less noticeable or can I learn to live with it and not worry about it so much. I want to know if it's TMS, not just that it's something I need to "accept."
 
It generally seems to be permanent. The mainstream consensus is that it's related to damage and that it's not really treatable.
 
Sita said:
Worrying about it won't change the situation/outcome so, you have 2 choices:

a) accept it, or
b) choose to not let it bother you.

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”
Click to expand...

I genuinely don't known how to do a.) or b.) ... not with pain, not with tinnitus. After 8 years of trying, I have not developed these skills.
 
The “general consensus” is often misguided and misled. Even Steve Ozanich healed: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/tms-is-a-wild-ride-tinnitus.6459/ (TMS is a wild ride. Tinnitus)

People said the same thing to me about Cymbalta withdrawal. I basically came off the medication cold turkey thanks to clueless doctors and my body not tolerating it (I don’t recommend this to anybody else, of course). Books have been written and forums have been created about safely discontinuing antidepressants, and quite a few sources said I was screwed for life. Couldn’t be further from reality - I’m feeling fantastic and don’t even meet the criteria for OCD anymore. I now look at it as a time of character growth.

One major win for me as I moved on from OCD: I stopped researching and Googling (forms of reassurance seeking), and found a way to live my life again with enjoyable interests. This goes back to the advice I gave you in the other thread regarding routines; I truly believe that approach would help you. This is partially why I’ve been thriving so well during COVID and quarantine - I do not obsess anymore. As someone who has a decent understanding of statistical models and actuarial-based projections, I know that even the “experts” from Harvard and Oxford get it wrong sometimes. I have to consider what’s in my control (e.g., wearing a mask, not shaking hands, donating money to local small businesses, sending my friends who aren’t doing so well financially food from their favorite places, etc.) and remember to find things to be grateful for in my own life. I can’t spend my entire day freaking out over every headline when not every headline turns out to be correct. And even if a bad headline IS correct, I have to adjust and focus on actionable, feasible steps.

Of course, I’m not a doctor and I cannot examine you or provide medical advice on any issue. But I can tell you that looking up my symptoms got me nowhere. My favorite neurologists didn’t provide compelling enough evidence as they insisted that my symptoms and their increasing severity were caused by emotional stress. I wish I had believed them sooner and left the NeuroTalk forums for good, where I can now see that a nice chunk of the members are probably TMS/mind-body patients.

Another lesson I learned from CBT: I’m deathly afraid of elevators. I HATE them. This doesn’t work out for me very well, as you already know I live in one of the biggest U.S. cities and elevators are everywhere. The elevators at my office are ridiculous and it’s not uncommon for people to get stuck, which makes this all the more distressing. I had to stop researching statistics on safeness and exit plans (which are nonexistent thanks to the safety features of today’s elevators), and learn that even if I do get stuck one day, I can handle it. Exposures weren’t to teach myself that elevators are 100% safe - nothing is! They were to show myself that I can handle anything that comes my way. True resilience is making peace with the fact that we could all develop tinnitus in the future, but we’d live with it and continue to find enjoyment in life.

One of my nuclear family members has partial blindness from glaucoma. They have to use daily eye drops and even had a surgery to help manage their eye pressure. It’s terrifying and they know it could get much worse at any time, but they don’t let this consume their life. I have dysautonomia from Ehlers-Danlos and that’s one of the reasons my body is more sensitive to emotional stress. My joints are also ridiculous and I sometimes have trouble eating thanks to my jaw popping out (my favorite RXBARS are seriously getting SO hard for me to eat), but here I am. I went to high school with a dude who can no longer walk on his own due to a DUI that occurred when he was 15, before he was legal to obtain his driver’s license - imagine the regret he’s felt over taking his parents’ car without permission and permanently damaging his body. What about cancer patients who experience permanent side effects from chemotherapy? None of us are perfect, our bodies change as time goes on, and we all need to accept this. If we don’t, we only create more suffering for ourselves. Discomfort is inevitable and life is never without risks. It’s up to us to keep going and remember that we belong here.

And again, if it’s not tinnitus, it’s always going to be something else. Tinnitus - whether caused by the mind-body connection and/or structural issues - is not worth ruining your life and giving up everything that could be enjoyable to you. Your issue is anxiety, including OCD, which seems to be causing or at least interacting with depression. Small, gradual changes to your life and routine can help.
 
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Dorado said:
The “general consensus” is often misguided and misled. Even Steve Ozanich healed: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/tms-is-a-wild-ride-tinnitus.6459/ (TMS is a wild ride. Tinnitus)

People said the same thing to me about Cymbalta withdrawal. I basically came off the medication cold turkey thanks to clueless doctors and my body not tolerating it (I don’t recommend this to anybody else, of course). Books have been written and forums have been created about safely discontinuing antidepressants, and quite a few sources said I was screwed for life. Couldn’t be further from reality - I’m feeling fantastic and don’t even meet the criteria for OCD anymore. I now look at it as a time of character growth.

One major win for me as I moved on from OCD: I stopped researching and Googling (forms of reassurance seeking), and found a way to live my life again with enjoyable interests. This goes back to the advice I gave you in the other thread regarding routines; I truly believe that approach would help you. This is partially why I’ve been thriving so well during COVID and quarantine - I do not obsess anymore. As someone who has a decent understanding of statistical models and actuarial-based projections, I know that even the “experts” from Harvard and Oxford get it wrong sometimes. I have to consider what’s in my control (e.g., wearing a mask, not shaking hands, donating money to local small businesses, sending my friends who aren’t doing so well financially food from their favorite places, etc.) and remember to find things to be grateful for in my own life. I can’t spend my entire day freaking out over every headline when not every headline turns out to be correct. And even if a bad headline IS correct, I have to adjust and focus on actionable, feasible steps.

Of course, I’m not a doctor and I cannot examine you or provide medical advice on any issue. But I can tell you that looking up my symptoms got me nowhere. My favorite neurologists didn’t provide compelling enough evidence as they insisted that my symptoms and their increasing severity were caused by emotional stress. I wish I had believed them sooner and left the NeuroTalk forums for good, where I can now see that a nice chunk of the members are probably TMS/mind-body patients.

Another lesson I learned from CBT: I’m deathly afraid of elevators. I HATE them. This doesn’t work out for me very well, as you already know I live in one of the biggest U.S. cities and elevators are everywhere. The elevators at my office are ridiculous and it’s not uncommon for people to get stuck, which makes this all the more distressing. I had to stop researching statistics on safeness and exit plans (which are nonexistent thanks to the safety features of today’s elevators), and learn that even if I do get stuck one day, I can handle it. Exposures weren’t to teach myself that elevators are 100% safe - nothing is! They were to show myself that I can handle anything that comes my way. True resilience is making peace with the fact that we could all develop tinnitus in the future, but we’d live with it and continue to find enjoyment in life.

One of my nuclear family members has partial blindness from glaucoma. They have to use daily eye drops and even had a surgery to help manage their eye pressure. It’s terrifying and they know it could get much worse at any time, but they don’t let this consume their life. I have dysautonomia from Ehlers-Danlos and that’s one of the reasons my body is more sensitive to emotional stress. My joints are also ridiculous and I sometimes have trouble eating thanks to my jaw popping out (my favorite RXBARS are seriously getting SO hard for me to eat), but here I am. I went to high school with a dude who can no longer walk on his own due to a DUI that occurred when he was 15, before he was legal to obtain his driver’s license - imagine the regret he’s felt over taking his parents’ car without permission and permanently damaging his body. What about cancer patients who experience permanent side effects from chemotherapy? None of us are perfect, our bodies change as time goes on, and we all need to accept this. If we don’t, we only create more suffering for ourselves. Discomfort is inevitable and life is never without risks. It’s up to us to keep going and remember that we belong here.

And again, if it’s not tinnitus, it’s always going to be something else. Tinnitus - whether caused by the mind-body connection and/or structural issues - is not worth ruining your life and giving up everything that could be enjoyable to you. Your issue is anxiety, including OCD, which seems to be causing or at least interacting with depression. Small, gradual changes to your life and routine can help.
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Thanks, @Dorado. I'm trying, I really am. And I truly appreciate your responses and the amount of time you've given to trying to help me out of this. I'm feeling so down at the moment, I just don't have the energy to write more. But I will. In the meantime, thank you. Take care
 
For sure. If you have any questions for me specifically, let me know. I’ll let other people respond and provide advice to you. Just know you’re not alone!
 
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