Lonely?

Physically I’ve been feeling great, (running, cleaning the house, lifting) but now I have something new, loneliness.


Before I started to feel hurt, I was very independent and driven. I was always working on my art. My boyfriend (we’ve been together for 6 years) was always fine with that. If I didn’t call, no biggie. If I wanted to work late, no biggie.


We’d hang out on weekends and have a fantastic time and then I would disappear for a few days and show back up. He was always there for me. He moved in with me and my roommate 3 years ago and things were going fine.


Many times, I’d work on my art all weekend, and he’d play video game and around dinner time, we’d be like, “Hey lets hang out.” I never felt unloved or lonely.


Then I got hurt and stopped making art. I stopped working out. I stopped being me.


My boyfriend started working very long hours and we hardly saw each other. When we did have time together, I couldn’t really do much. Yet, he never left my side, through all my pain and anxiety.


I recently told him, that I’d like to see him around a bit more and he said he’d work less hours and spend more time with me. He’s been true to his word, as much as work permits.


Yet I still have a lingering loneliness feeling? One thing I have noticed, is that I still don’t make art anymore. Maybe that’s it?


Sometimes we’ll hang out all night and have a wonderful time and I'll be so happy and I’ll get lonely the very next day at work. We spent all Sat playing video games and then saw a movie and I’m feeling lonely today.


I was never like this before. Never. I could go days without seeing him, still feel fully confident in our love for each other.

I love him and I know he loves me. I just think I still have a broken part somewhere in there. I think it's not him or us, I think it's me and I want to heal me. You can't be a strong couple if you're broken inside.

What do you guys think?

 

Waterbear, I think your feeling of loneliness does come from not working on art anymore.
It fulfilled you before, and the time probably passed faster, too.
I know I would feel lonely and unfulfilled if I didn't write every day.
Be glad for your boyfriend spending time with you and for his patience and understanding.
Try to be as happy around him as you can.

 

Waterbear, go make art again! ..... or find other distractions that you know you used to like doing. It might not be fun in the beginning, but this will slowly change for the better.

I think feeling lonely is a form of fear. It is something Sarno warns us about; Fear can rise when you start to feel better physically, because the physical distraction is missing. The solution is to do things that make you happy and don't be afraid of the feeling of loneliness.

 

Your emotions are coming to surface because your physical pain is healing. You would do good to get back to your art now. I went through the same thing, even though my fiance was always there after I began to heal I had this feeling of loneliness and I knew I needed to get myself back to doing the things I loved doing.
And that I did, as you know I wrote a book on tms healing and so forth. I also learned to not run from those feelings and just feel them, this way I wasn't judging or fearing the emotions -- I just became at peace with them, if it was going to be there then I would acknowledge it was there and then eventually after 10 minutes or so it would dissipate for about a half a day till it came back and then I would acknowledge it again and feel the feelings with the loneliness. Soon I was doing a lot better and back to being myself again, in a lot better spirits. Also do things that will bring back passion and desire for you, like your Art.
Bless You

 

The above could apply to me, except my art was creative writing, which I stopped doing for months because I was afraid sitting too long would make my neck pain worse. Now I sit at the computer and write for hours, and you know what? During the creative process, I don't notice my neck at all because I am in a flow state. (My neck does feel stiff afterwards because I don't take enough breaks, but that is because I get a little obsessive and distracted while writing. I still struggle with balance!) But if I were you, I would definitely get back to my artwork.

Regarding the loneliness as it relates to your boyfriend...I've been married several years, and I do have different feelings about how much time I want with my husband, one minute wanting to just do my own thing for a while, then missing him when he leaves for work (he works in an office and I work at home). I wonder if part of the reason you feel lonely is because the activities you are doing involve looking at a screen (computer games, movies) and not engaging with each other? I am wired in such a way that I need face-to-face, one-on-one conversation with my husband to feel really connected with him. But I know different people have different relational styles. It does seem like you are more independent than I am.

Also, after being with someone for six years, you may be subconsciously wondering if you want to get married (unless you don't believe in that) and those thoughts can cause all kinds of emotions about life, the future, etc.

 

Waterbear,

What's keeping you from getting back to making art? Exploring that through journaling will likely reveal some important insights for you.

Loneliness is a big part of TMS, as Steve O frequently discusses. We long to feel connected to others, but something in our TMS personalities or childhood experiences keeps us isolated. I suspect the feeling was there before, but your TMS and your prior busy lifestyle distracted you from it. As the distractions from TMS leave us, we are left facing the question of 'who are we now?' This can be difficult, and many of us find that we become anxious and/or depressed. I found that when my TMS pain finally went away, I became depressed. Then other symptoms emerged to distract me from that. So our healing journey continues. One thing that helps me when I get bogged down in my focus on myself and my dissatisfaction, is to turn my awareness outward--either to nature, animals, or other people--anything but me. Focusing on art may serve that function for you. My daily Gratitude Journal helps too (there are phone apps for this, I found ).

You are very fortunate to have a loving relationship in your life. And it sounds like the two of you communicate well. You'll work it out. It's part of the journey you are on, and you are blessed to have a companion to travel with.

Best wishes...

 

Art and creative writing are fantastic helpers to healing. Positive, creative distractions to pain and anxiety.

Winston Churchill painted to relax during World War II. Abraham Lincoln left his cares behind and joined friends
in telling jokes. When stressed, Cate Blanchett plays with her children. I play "tug of war" with my darling dog.

I write books on a wide range of subjects and the writing and research takes me into other worlds.

 

Good advice everyone!

Looking into this more, I think some of my problem is I started to depend on people to have fun/get tasks done. I never needed anyone for anything. I would make art/crafts all day, or do chores, or workout without help all my life.

When I was hurt, I needed to ask for help. I couldn’t carry a laundry basket up the stairs. I couldn’t saw wood. I didn’t do much at all for months. So in an effort to have some semblance of my normal life, I asked people for help in doing things that needed to be done or things that I wanted to get done. They helped and that helped me be happy and helped me heal.

However, it’s like I need people now. I need someone to do (insert activity here) with me. I used to “play well by myself”, now it’s like I can’t. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Its like I want someone to hold me all the time. However, my boyfriend does hold me all the time. We cuddle all the time and he’ll rub my back which is one of my most favorite little things about him.

I think it’s why I stopped drawing. I was thinking of forcing myself to draw for 15 mins a day and gradually work up to an hour and then longer. Maybe revive that spark of independence I used to have so much of.


Edit: Oh and here’s another bit that has just risen to the surface of my head.

I went to school for video game art. My dream job was to make game art. I worked by butt off to get good enough to work in the industry - it’s extremely competitive, especially since I’m female. I finally got a job and they worked me like a dog: 10am to midnight or longer shifts. They paid my like crap. I was stressed all the time. I didn’t like that, but I did like the art.

However, my art became all about making it in games and not for the love of art.

When I hurt my left arm, it was one month after my game company shut down. I was unemployed. My left arm hurt so bad, I took a graphic design job (right handed work). It is A LOT easier than game art. They pay me well. I have great hours. My boss is amazing. I’m never stressed or treated poorly there. I’m still working here and I like my job. I don't think I want to work in games anymore.

Maybe this is the issue with my art, since I don't want to work in games anymore. Getting into games was my primary creative driving force since 2007. I was all consumed. Game art came first. My passion. (I'd like to note, that my boyfriend was 100% supportive of me.) But now, I'm not sure that passion is there. I still love game art. I still want to make it. However, I'm sort of like, "for what?" Why leave a job you love and makes you happy to go back to a job that made you stressed and they treated you like dirt? Maybe I just need to make art at night for me. I'm having a hard time motivating to do it though. I distract myself with stupid things, like playing on my phone.

However, since my mind can do about a million things at once. I needed to in order to survive my game job. I think it’s like, “Oh, I see your not 100% stressed by a crazy hard job, lets make some problems for you.” I think this is the real issue.

I’m way ahead of schedule and working at my relaxed pace. They think I’m awesome because I’m so fast. They call me “Speedy” and I like that. However, they have no idea how fast, fast is. Or how overworked an over worked schedule is. I sure as hell do after working in games.


Maybe focus on mindfulness while working? I’ve been trying but it’s so hard if I’m not overwhelmed with work. However, who wants to be stressed and overwhelmed? Its not actually good for me. I know that.

 

Waterbear you said you we're relaxed working at a fast pace, speedy " I love that name". Does this hold true? cause if it does you could be mindful in the moment if you practice although I believe you would do a lot better doing mindful meditations 20 minutes in the morning before you go to work and then 20 minutes in the afternoon to wind down. Tell me what you think, Bless you.

 

Hehehe, yeah I think my natural state is a bit faster than average. I eat fast, drink fast, prefer running over walking. I just naturally finish my tasks faster then the other artists here, partly because that's my pace and partly because if you aren't fast in games, you got fired (so my natural pace is just faster now). I get bored if I'm not going fast, running on all my cylinders I guess. Then my mind wanders and gets itself in trouble.

I had not tried morning meditation or maybe a quick lunchtime one. I can give it shot!

 

Yes, start off in the mornings and then after a few weeks add a meditation in the afternoons ok. You could do a meditation while on lunch if you have uninterrupted time.
Remember the main point of meditation is to get away from anything that might cause you to break the calming state ok. I remember when I tried meditating at my sisters home, it was impossible, just to much commotion all the time -- you don't want to get commotion anchored with meditations ok. Start them off right and you will benefit rather quickly.
Bless You