Day 5 Loneliness deep inside

[Seraphina]

Through journaling today, i found deep loneliness from my childhood. I was not abused or bullied severely, but there was a mild sip of the events that left a scar inside. I didn't even know at the moment that I was being ostracized here and there--even by myself. Well, I knew I was a little bit lonely type of person, but I didn't know this had started long ago, accumulated little by little. Now I feel some compassion on myself.

With SEP, I'm exploring my emotional history more and more, and it's a really wonderful journey. But I'm not sure if I'm having an improvement in pain yet. I've recently taken off my wrist braces and tried to use my hands freely--first time in a month--and it feels okay with some pain time to time. However, now I have pain around my fingers. I did have pain around fingers along with wrist pain, but the finger pain was totally ignorable because it happened like once a day and disappeared quickly. It now annoys me when I'm typing or using fingers. Since I still have some lingering doubt that my wrist pain is TMS, I have doubt on this new finger pain, too.

About my butt pain, I'm accepting advice from this forum and try to endure the pain without judgement. Yesterday and today I endured sitting for 1.5 hour straight with pain (well, it was inevitable because I was in a meeting at work). I was happy that I could tolerate more than an hour, but sadly this wasn't to mean that I extended my tolerance. I came back to my desk and then the pain started after 15 minutes of sitting.. baaaaah.....

I'm trying the affirmation "I'm healthy" and "ACCEPTANCE" when pain comes, but the ongoing pain and the physical feeling of pain (it feels so bony that makes me think it maybe not TMS) sometimes makes me feel helpless.

Also the attitude of my family (especially my mom and my younger sister who are definitely not a TMS type of people--which I'm so jealous of!) toward my "whining" about pain all over makes me angry and sad....

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

It's no fun if your mother and younger sister are not supportive in your TMS journey, but try not to let it make you angry.
They may not feel TMS symptoms now, but may later. And

It looks like you still have to work on believing your symptoms, whatever they are or where the pain moves,
is from TMS. Total belief is essential.

I'm glad you took off the wrist braces and felt okay. The finger pain may very well be your subconscious
still giving you some pain so you uncover the remaining hidden emotions. They do sound like they go back to
your girlhood.

But it looks like you're improving, so keep at the SEP and journaling. You're doing the right things.

 

[Seraphina]

Hi Walt, thank you always for your kind and cheerful words.
I actually wanted to add this in favor of record-keeping for myself:
2 days ago, I watched a teaser video of a new horror movie on some demonic possession on a doll and its bullying a whole family--just out of curiosity because it said it's highly based on a true story.... and it was a huge mistake!!!
I'm a religious person, who accepts the existence of spiritual things, the scary scenes haunted me during the night so much that I couldn't go back to sleep with big fear: "what if such demon harasses me too? I don't think I'm spiritually strong enough to fight it. I'm so scared."
I prayed over and over again but my fear did not come down. I couldn't stop thinking horrible things. I was so stressed that I couldn't go to bed that late because of such ridiculous fear, that my pain was growing due to the stress and that I could pretty much expect the increased pain would continue tomorrow.
I could only go to bed after I lied down next to my sister, had some chit-chats with her on night terror as a result of psychological weakness, and wore a sleep shade.
No doubt that the pain on the ankle, butt, and wrist became worse over night.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Hi Seraphina - I haven't been following your journey here, since I just recently returned to the forum after some time away. Your story sounds somewhat similar to my own - I basically had a good childhood without any abuse or major trauma, but I had a LOT of anxiety - perhaps because I was the first child of my mother. She was 30 years old when she had me, and as an only child who grew up in boarding schools in Europe, she had never even babysat in her entire life, so she knew nothing about babies, but was surrounded, here in America, but other, younger mothers, who seemed to know it all.

On top of this, I was small for my age until high school, so I was often teased for that as well as taken advantage of for my shyness. It was through journaling and meditation via the SEP and other resources I found here, that I finally recognized and remembered that at a very young age, I felt like an odd child, kind of lonely at school, although secure at home. Like you, I was finally able to experience compassion for that odd little girl. I've had a number of positive turning points in my TMS journey, and I remember that was an important one.

Anyway, the main thing I want to ask you - and please forgive me if you've gone into this in other postings - is what steps you have taken to specifically address your anxiety?

~Jan

PS - I don't like horror movies, either!

 

[Seraphina]

Anyway, the main thing I want to ask you - and please forgive me if you've gone into this in other postings - is what steps you have taken to specifically address your anxiety?

Hi Jan, thanks for your story! I do find many similar things between your and my story. As you said, there was no major thing, but I think it's all little by little. Some from my mother, some other from my sister, some from school and friends... so I hope I could find many things about myself through SEP and move much closer to curing.

and Yes! anxiety is one of the main issues I have. I don't think I was such a anxious person before, but I think I changed gradually during my college life--first time living in a foreign country. Many emotional issues came up, and I became easily frustrated by things that I cannot control. That's when I became religious, and I'm mostly helped by the religion. Praying and listening to my favorite gospel songs are always calming and help me let go of things that are out of my reach. However, religious praying also needs a deeper self-reflection, sincere inner talk and some sort of meditation, and I have never learned such thing because I'm an adult convert coming to the religion alone and the only religious person in my family. I think this limits the effect of my praying and meditation.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Feelings of insecurity and not being loved in childhood came up last night in the 3rd episode of
THE ROOSEVELTS, the Ken Burns documentary on PBS.

Eleanor Roosevelt felt unloved all her life, beginning when she was a little girl and her mother
called her "granny" because she looked so plain.

She could hardly believe it when FDR proposed marriage to her. He reportedly saw more than
physical beauty in her. But he cheated on her with her secretary during their marriage and she never forgave him
for that, while always helping him in his political career. She lived without love but gave it to others,
saying, "No one would ever love her for long." Despite a hard life, she shone in helping others and said,
while visiting injured soldiers in hospitals in World War I, "You must do what you think you cannot do."

I guess we must accept the unhappy or unloved childhood we may have had, and forgive.

 

[Seraphina]

he lived without love but gave it to others,
saying, "No one would ever love her for long." Despite a hard life, she shone in helping others and said,
while visiting injured soldiers in hospitals in World War I, "You must do what you think you cannot do."

I guess we must accept the unhappy or unloved childhood we may have had, and forgive.

Walt, my dear mentor! That's such a heartbreaking yet beautiful story that makes me think again--I've always thought forgiving is such a hard thing to do. I am good at repressing emotions--the very cause of my TMS--but I don't think I've ever sincerely forgiven something/someone.
As I'm still waiting for your book to arrive, I'm excited to learn more about letting go from your words. Thank you Walt. God bless

 

[JanAtheCPA]

... However, religious praying also needs a deeper self-reflection, sincere inner talk and some sort of meditation, and I have never learned such thing because I'm an adult convert coming to the religion alone and the only religious person in my family. I think this limits the effect of my praying and meditation.

Seraphina, I would like to suggest that you don't need to limit yourself by making assumptions that you are limited! Although I am not at all "religious" in any traditional sense of the word, I agree that prayer and meditation are the same thing in terms of communicating with a higher power - whether you believe that power is within yourself, symbolized by God, or embodied in God. Or some other supreme being. Whatever it is to you, once you make the choice to open yourself to that higher level of communication, you have effected some kind of change - which means you ARE effective. YOU are effective! And if you believe it, you will do it.

~Jan

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I was reading again your description of the night you had after watching the frightening video, and I am really struck by the level of your anxiety. You said you prayed and prayed but at the same time you were engaging yourself in a "what if" conversation. This is the kind of thing that will hold you back from recovering - here, we call it "negative self-talk". "What if I'm not strong enough?" "What if it's not TMS?" etc.

When you let your brain engage you in this unhelpful negative talk, how can you get better?

A good goal for you right now might be to recognize when your negative brain is trying to take over, and put a stop to it!

My second favorite book, after The Divided Mind (Dr. Sarno) is "Hope and Help For Your Nerves" by Claire Weekes. The book is not very long, it's easy to read, and very comforting. Dr. Weekes provides concrete, easy-to-follow advice about how to get over panic and anxiety attacks. I highly recommend it for anyone with anxiety.

~Jan

 

[Seraphina]

This is the kind of thing that will hold you back from recovering - here, we call it "negative self-talk". "What if I'm not strong enough?" "What if it's not TMS?" etc.

When you let your brain engage you in this unhelpful negative talk, how can you get better?

A good goal for you right now might be to recognize when your negative brain is trying to take over, and put a stop to it!

Jan, thank you for the comment.
I think one of the biggest fears during that night was "My TMS pain will get worse tomorrow because of all these fears and negative self-talk!!!!." I know, the fear fed itself and the cycle went on and on...
I rarely have such anxiety attack , but it becomes almost unstoppable once it starts. I was screaming to myself internally to stop such thinking, but the horror was just growing more and more.

But one thing I knew for sure then was that I would not have been so scared if I had had someone beside me. I told myself "Whoa.. I should get married ASAP." Then I just called my sister and confirmed she's still up. I ran into her room--which was just right next to mine--and lied on her bed. The fear actually went away almost immediately when I saw her face smiling at me. and then I just laughed at the anxiety attack that I just had. It was so ridiculous....

I see many people here recommends Dr. Weeke's book on anxiety. I should order it soon because it takes too long for Amazon to deliver something to Korea

Thank you Jan!

Phina

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Seraphina. I'm so glad you've ordered my book with Herbie (Eric Watson).

I'm writing a long article on Claire Weekes' book and it will be posted soon.
I attempt to summarize her steps to relieving anxiety.
I've struggled with anxiety for years and between Dr. Sarno and Dr. Weekes
I've gotten a good handle on it so I live with it a lot better than I did.
Deep breathing, meditation, positive thinking, distracting myself when I feel anxiety,
reminding myself it is not fatal, all help.

I don't take any medication for anxiety but do take Ashwagandha, a natural herb
that many people in Eastern countries have taken for centuries for anxiety.
Dr. Oz says it's one of the most important supplements for calming ourselves.