Letting go of negative emotion

[amagnuson amy]

Hi all
So I posted here last winter. I got better for awhile February until July, Ups and downs, but functional and had many really good days during those months. ( I was a mess 10 years ago and was better until last year also). Then the last year was draining and stressful for so many reasins, mainly my job. I made job changes within thst job in January ( improved some) and quit that job beginning of June because I knew it was still wrong for me. ( I do currently love my new job but the pain still continues). But 3 days after I quit the job that was stressing me out and working 55 hours a week at, and was ready to get my life back completely, I get the phone call that my brother was found unresponsive in a coma. He wasn't expected to make it through the night. Through a lot of prayer he came to 3 days later. Long story short, he's an alcoholic who caused his liver to fail. He has end stage liver failure. Needing a liver transplant. It's been a long hard emotional several months since June. He's had many health ups and downs . He went into another hepatic coma in august from the disease. Insurance issues so he was kicked out of nursing home in July. I took him into my home. I have 3 busy kids also. It was a nightmare. I am not equipped to care for him. His mind isn't right. One night he had a setback while here and pooped everywhere in my house. No human being should have to clean what I did thst night! He's currently back in nursing home because of severe health needs. And I won't take him back. He's got a court order for protective placement anyway because of being found incompetant. But I am his legal guardian. He's 53. Thst has been incredibly stressful to me with selling his home, dealing with assets to trying get him on medical assistance, and disability. Court dates, doctor appt, lawyer appt, paperwork, so much red tape. Anyway since September, my pelvic floor muscles and legs are ridiculously tense! I've journaled. My anger is very clear to me. I went from one terribly stressful job into this with my brother! I've had no break! I'm mad at him for causing all thus because he wouldn't quit the drinking. Hes very unappreciative and rude to me. And manipulative at times to me. He still isn't making great choices but because he's living in controlled environment of nursung home, he's not drinking. Anyway I know I'm angry and I'm sure that's leading to my my stupid daily pain. My life is so busy everyday with my brothers crap, my kids busy schedules, and my new job. I feel overwhelmed and even when I try to relax, I can't. How can I relax and how can I let go of the frustration and anger? I've gotten my life back to normal before why am I struggling so very much now? Tired of the pain, tired of crying, and tired of feeling stressed and bitter Over the situation. Thanks for letting me vent here and thanks for any help!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi amy,

Partly what needs to be done you are doing, in my opinion. You are expressing yourself, and you are feeling what is coming up for you. The anger is natural. Anger doesn't cause TMS, as much as your internal reaction to it. Try to allow what you're going through to be expressed. See if you're attacking yourself about still being in pain, or attacking yourself for your anger at your brother, or kids. It is the rejection of what we feel that causes the pressures/tension leading to TMS.

In short, you have to defend your right to be angry, irritated, overwhelmed, confused, disappointed. This is my advice. The "letting go" happens naturally when we allow what we're going through.

Talk to a friend, journal, connect with a coach or therapist to find ways to allow you to be you. Anyone who reads your post would have compassion for you, with all you've done, and the pressure you're under, trying to do the right thing for everyone. And would have compassion for your emotions. We can be with ourselves with more clarity and compassion to, and it takes practice.

My life is so busy everyday with my brothers crap, my kids busy schedules, and my new job. I feel overwhelmed and even when I try to relax, I can't.

In addition to allowing all your reactions to things to be OK (like anger and frustration with the pain returning), try to find some simple things you can do every day to soothe yourself. It might be a walk in nature. It might be to play some music, or sing along with some u-tube cuts, or trade a foot massage with one of your children, sit in the garden with a warm tea, watch something you really like to laugh at on video, set a timer and do some deep full breaths for five minutes. Experiment and find some basic ways to take some quality time for you, even a little bit, every day. The nervous system gets wound up, and it will unwind if you support its unwinding. Without some direct soothing action, the tension seems to keep perpetuating itself, as you write about so well.

Also, just reading your post, you can see the causes of pain. That awareness itself begins to unwind TMS. You understand why you are in pain. If you become aware of rejecting or attacking yourself for your emotions like anger, this is powerful information. Awareness, without having to fix everything, goes along way all by itself.

Good Luck and Don't Give Up!

Andy B.

 

[Mala]

Hi Amy.

You really have been & are still going through such a lot. No small wonder that u r in pain. Job, family, brother- the works!

First I think u have to acknowledge that u r in more pain because of all that has been going on. I have no idea what yr relationship with yr brother has been like in the past but the present situation is just unacceptable on so many levels that u have every right to feel a whole array of different emotions. Don't keep anything in. Vent, Vent & VENT some more!

Then do this. Sit down with a glass of wine in a room where u can have some privacy. Have a pen & some paper ready. Pretend that instead of you, there is a close, dear friend who is going thru what u r going thru now. Talk to her, calm her, soothe her & tell her what you think she could do, what her options are. Be as objective as is possible. Take notes as u do this. Then leave the piece of paper in a drawer & go do something else. A few hours later or maybe even the following day go back to the piece of paper. Look at what u wrote. Could u use any of the help , suggestions, advice u gave yr imaginary friend.

Sometimes we need to step back & take a look at things from a different perspective & learn to be as compassionate to our own selves as we r with others.

Andy B has also given u some good advice on how u can soothe yrself.

All the best.

Mala

 

[amagnuson amy]

Thank you both so much! It is such good advise. Mala, I like the writing idea.

Mala, I was close to my brother until the last couple years. I'd started detaching simply because I couldn't take his drinking anymore.
I know i feel anger but i also feel guilty. I was so compassionate and I was the only one who didn't give up on him back in June when doctors says he couldn't make it through the week. I was with him everyday all summer. I Spent the nights sleeping at the hospital. But now with my new job, busy schedules, the pain, taking over being his guardian and what that includes, I just feel I am not able to be there emotionally for him like I was at first. I'm too drained and I feel very guilty about that. My family tells me in doing everything I possibly can, but I feel like I'm failing and On my way! not compassionate enough because I'm angry about picking up the pieces he left from being an alcoholic who wouldn't get help.

My husband thinks I am in fear of losing another sibling. We lost my sister and dad within months of each a couple years ago. I don't think I am fearing that. But maybe he's right.

Honestly though I think I feelvmore anger than I do fear I think. I'm very upset with what this is doing to my mom also and worried about her! My brother has put my mom through hell over the years. she has been in so much pain also lately. They've Diagnosed it as arthritis. But she was doing pretty well and active up until this came on with him. Arthritis comes on so quickly? Really? I know its stress also with her. It sucks what him being a drunk has done to the family. It's affected all of us. And I'm sorry my kids have had to deal with it. It was hard him living here in July and going to visit him seeing him like he is.

My pain must be tms, right? I would love to hear from anyone with weird pelvic pain symptoms that conquered it!

Thank you again!

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, amagnuson. I don't have pelvic pain but relate to you on many of the things you write about in your post.
I was caretaker for my aging mother after my sister gave up (our older brother never even tried). I could take no more after two years and Mom eventually went into a nursing home.

You have real lot on your plate from past and present emotional stresses. I like the advice the others gave you and urge you to think positive, that your pain is going to go away. I suggest watching some Yourube videos on relaxation... there are several that combine visualization, meditation, and deep breathing... three excellent TMS healing techiniques.

My two favorites on Youtube are:

GUIDED MEDITATION FROM OVER-THINKING. Michael Sealey's soothing voice takes us through mindfulness meditation of breathing in the present moment.

GUIDED MEDITATION "The Seat" shows a tranquil; countryside from a bench, also excellent to watch for relaxing while deep breathing.

Try not to worry about your pain and its causes. You have come to the right place to heal and become a healthier and happier person than you ever thought you could be.

You can only do so much for others. You have to be there for yourself, your husband, and your kids.

Here are some good thoughts from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (you also could read her books on aging and caring for aging parents).

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”


“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”

“All events are blessings given to us to learn from.”

 

[amagnuson amy]

Walt, Thanks so much for the support! I definitely will check out those videos. It does sound like tms, right??? With the way there has been improvements? At least there was until recently. Plus I keep telling myself I was real bad 10 years ago, but got better and stayed fairly normal for several years until these ups and downs the past year. If I got better before, in truth I should do it again. But yet im struggling so much. I don't understand. I had some medical tests that didn't reveal anything. I feel like i believe 99% it's tms and caused from stress. But I think what gets me is I worry my mind will never learn to cope with my stresses and this is what I will be stuck with. I can deal with the back and leg pain, the pelvic stuff is what's tormenting me!

I'm just in such a bad mindset the last few days again. It was better last week. I actually spoke with fred Amir ( author of " rapid recovery from back pain) on the phone last week and that was helpful. I had some better pain days too plus better mindset. But it just didn't last. Never does these last few months.

I read tms recivery stories and they are great but I just can't make something click on me to boost the confidence I need. I just have this hopeless feeling and I don't know why. I got better before- that should be confidence boosting to me. But it's just not for some reason.

 

[Mala]

Oh Amy u have nothing to be guilty about. You are really brave to be talking about all this in the first place. I hope u can find some solace & comfort here with us.

I know how u feel because my father was an alcoholic.

You never asked to be in this situation & yr brother should never have put u in this position in the first place. You have already done yr utmost for him much to the detriment of your own self & yr family as well. Any form of caregiving is challenging & very often a thankless job which places a lot of stress on the caregiver.

Be honest as to what you can do & what u can't do for him. Tell him u love him & that u care & want to help but that u too have limitations. Do not allow him to cause you any more grief than he already has. It sounds cruel but you have to think about yourself & yr family & how all this affects them too.

Negative emotions will most certainly impact on quality of life & health which is probably why your mother is in a lot of pain suddenly.

Guilt is a terrible thing to be carrying around with you all the time & u r probably yr own biggest critic but it serves no real purpose. Maybe u have some resentment towards yr brother & at the same time feel u r not doing enuff but i think these feelings are normal. Tell yrself its Ok to feel like this. We don't have to be perfect.

What u need to do is make time for yrself to de-stress, ask for help, set limits for yrself.

Are there any caregiving resources available in your community that may help?

I am attaching a few links which u may find helpful for pelvic pain. The last one is a very good interview between Dr Schubiner & Abigail Steidley about why Pelvic pain is TMS

http://radiantlifedesign.com/rebeccas-pelvic-pain-success-story/

http://abigailsteidley.com

http://loveyourpelvis.me/healing-the-pain/

http://vulvodyniacoach.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/schubiner-interview1.mp3


Mala

 

[amagnuson amy]

Malay
Thank you so so so much for your understanding, encouragement, and kind words! It has brought tears to my eyes. I feel so broken these last few months. From the pain but also just from the circumstances. Thank you for your support!
Mala, did you struggle with pelvic symptoms?

 

[Mala]

Amy, yes I did. I had 13 tumors growing on my uterus & 1 was very large & stuck to my insides which caused some nerve problems. I had a hysterectomy last year.

Mala

 

[amagnuson amy]

Mala,
Wow! You poor thing! You had quite the ordeal! So with that, you did have a more physical cause rather than tms. ?
Did you struggle long? I'm SO glad you were able to get free from the pain and recover!!! You sound like such a sweet gal!
With me, years ago I had all kinds of medical tests that ended up revealing nothing. But then I got better on my own with chiropractic and a little bit of trigger point work. But mostly I remember focusing a lot on the fact that the body knows how to heal. and some detoxing ( whether or not that helped?) anyway something worked back then. I was stable and improved for a lot of years. That is until last year. Had one pelvic exam this year that showed nothing wrong and x rays from chiropractor that only revealed a typical " misaligtment". But then last spring I felt back on track mostly until my brothers stuff this summer and now I'm so stuck and worse! ...So it feels like there's not much of a physical cause with me with the way it moves around locations and comes and goes with these constant tight muscles in legs, abs, hips, legs, pelvic...At least I'm hoping and wanting it to be tms, and that somehow I can get control over it! One would think getting better before would give me the confidence for this awful bump in the road I'm in to get through it. But yet here I struggle and have questions...blah