Day 8 Letter to my mother

About 20 years ago I had to go true a swamp, It was an exercise in therapy I was follow. It was a real swamp.
It was hard to do. One moment I was sinking in the swamp and I heard my mother shouting:
YOU WILL NEVER GET OUT THERE!
Then I sank, I lost all the feeling in my legs. The pulled me out of the swamp.

Now I am writing this letter to her and I realise that it is difficult to unbind myself from her.
My mother needed me, she is now 86, she still needs me. She claims me.
Or is this just my thought?

With love,
Rozie.

 

Hi, Rozie. Your swamp experience was no doubt traumatic, and if I read your post right, your mother let you be put through it. You don't give any real detail on her involvement, but apparently your letter did. I'm 86 and live alone. I wish I had someone to look after me. I suggest that you try to forgive your mother and be of what help to her that you can. None of us lives forever, and if you don't forgive your mother now, you will regret it. TMS pain thrives on those who hold anger and grievances against anyone. Forgiving sets us free in every way. I know. I've been through it.

 

Walt,
my mother told me things that were happened in her life when I was just a little girl, she overloaded me with really heavy stuff.
For example: her father had tried to drawn her, her father abused her, her mother abused her, her brother who was 5 years old is burned and died (the story goes that her mother put on the fire),
my mother was constantly humiliated by her parents. And this is to much to hear for a little child.

My mother told me; I only live for you. ( I had 3 brothers and a sister)
She made me dependent of her. I felt a lot of pity. I felt a lot of sadness, that makes me weak.

I blamed her for not knowing the abuse of my father. She had not seen it.
When I got my period for the first time she shouted out to her family: our daughter became a woman today! She made a feast of it.
The day I had my abortion my made a feast of it. We went to Amsterdam and she bought me new clothes.
A few years later she became a alcoholic. Then I wanted as fast as I can get out of there. I was ashamed of this family. But I couldn't leave, I could not leave her alone.
When I was young I felt so mutch shame, sadness.

I told her in my letter that I love her, she is my everything. A lot went wrong in our lives, but you did the best you could.
Our live was based on sex, drugs and alcohol. I had 2 brothers who died of drugs at 21 and 24 years young.

Now it goes well. I discussed this all with my mother true the years, and it is oke for the both of us. We both can live with it, we are doing great. (except the pain, my mother also have pain) (she knows what I am doing now, TMS)
But now with this journelling it come all up to me. I can feel the feelings wright as the were. And that is the meaning of this program?

With love, Rozie.

 

Hi again, Rozie. Thanks for the explanation. I'm glad you are reconciled with your mother. You have it right... the meaning of TMS, to accept the emotional pains caused by the past, and to forgive. Try now to live in the present, not to worry about the past or future. Today is all that matters.

 

Hi Rozie
I hear and feel your anguish , I had a similar experience my Mum laid a lot of stuff on my very early and no boundaries ,she had none and I struggle to know how to create any. My Mum told us she gave up her life for us and if she had never had us she would be off having a life. Indeed she repetitively told me that having a baby would ruin my life, and that men would just loose interest in you. She told me from an early age I did not want kids and how disappointed in me she would be if I ever got caught.I thought these were my own thoughts and decided at 15 I was not having kids and I was vehement that I could not stand them yet I adored my nieces and nephew. I could not see the narrative of my mother and even after I married my childhood sweetheart I had said no kids!!!. My husband had a heart attack at 38 -he's fine thank God but It made me realise GOD I WANTED his kid ,our kid and it was like a veil being pulled back . I could see that I always wanted them just stuffed it away to please my Mam. Unfortunately at 40 time was against me but more importantly my medication was so serious I could not just come off it and when I tried the pain was so bad they said I would not get through carring a child .I was like let just do it but by then I was unable to as time had marched on. It is the only true regret of my entire life and I am still angry with a Mum I did love who is now dead. To Love and care for someone while being so affected negatively by them and having been through so much because of them is an emotional battle going on inside your heart. You know the facts and how it makes you feel but you feel guilty cause its your Mam.You are a brave woman Rozie and a survivor and you have got through so much because of being you not in spite of it.

 

Hello Saoirse,
thanks for you reaction. It made me feel not alone. I can feel what you are writing. It could be me.
Our mothers do have such a large influence on us, they can make us or break us.
The want the best for their child, a better life then they have had, but they don't realise it works completely the other way.
Our mothers have taking away the most beautiful in life, having a child of our own. For that I feel a lot of regrette.
But you don't look like your to old to have a child?

Whit love, Rozie.

 

s time I was like

I love you Rozie !!! I wish I was not too old to have a child but I am , advanced skincare has been my work for 28 years so I am a result in good skincare and clinic treatments. I dont like botox or surgery but I love a good Glycolic peel.xx

 

You look good

 

Why thank you mam!!