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Less is more? Relapse

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Fabi, Jan 18, 2016.

  1. Fabi

    Fabi Well known member

    Hi everyone,
    Two weeks ago I started swimming again after almost two years of not doing it. (In the meantime I took some Feldenkrais lessons, and there I learned I was doing too much, wanting to reach too far, stretch too long. Nobody told me that until I experienced some pain. That was a big learning experience.)

    During these months, especially after October I have been very much engaged in meditation and mindfulness. I love meditating at night, it helps me relax, it is a time for myself, I am allowed not to do anything, not to go anywhere, just stay and be. I will never stop that practice!

    Now, with my swimming my orofacial, cervical and shoulder pain are back.
    I am very afraid of it. I remember very vividly what it was like almost two years ago. Today I was standing in line for 10 minutes with a bag in my hands, and I could barely stay, I started feeling dizzy and pain in my neck.

    I don´t want to give up swimming, yet my doctor says "Go easy"And I find it very difficult. My swimming teacher says I am too tense!

    And it is a characteristic in my life! I was just trying to water the pots outside, and made a mess with the hose, sprinkled water all over me and treated my body and my mind less than gently.
    I believe I am the problem, besides my jaw joint and my neck and shoulder.
    And you may think: And this person is doing Mindfulness and Meditation? Isn´t something wrong?

    I have been deliberately not coming to the forum in order to try to "forget" . Yet it was always in the back of my mind. And when I started swimming the thought came "What if you hurt yourself?"

    So, not a success story. Just an in between part of the story.
     
  2. Andy B

    Andy B Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Fabi,

    Thanks for the update. You are tense, and you judge yourself for being tense. I do the same. So what? You're afraid, and you don't know what to do about the fear. My suggestion, and you didn't ask for one, but I'll go ahead, is to try to take your mindfulness into your life more and more. Observe the tension, the judgement, the fear. Just observe. You don't have to push any of it away. If you observe you are pushing things away or rejecting yourself, that is another thing to observe, just as it is.

    Your experiences, as important as they seem to be don't really say anything about who you are. They are passing phenomenon. Believing you are the problem is also another thought/judgement. Let the judgement come, and let it go. Just like meditation. We make things harder when we hold onto all the thoughts and judgements and tend to make them more real. Your meditation practice has appealed to you. Use it when you are out and about...

    I hope my words may encourage you or help in some way.

    Andy B.
     
    Fabi likes this.
  3. Fabi

    Fabi Well known member

    Andy thank you, it es going to be a nice night sleep, you know, I took a painkiller , five months off them, and I realized how scared I as both of relapsing and of the fear itself. Just realizing how afraid I was made me smile !
    Yes, I do judge myself, and others, so, what en opportunity!

    May my judgements go. May l be peaceful. May l be safe.
    Thank you!
     
  4. Andy B

    Andy B Beloved Grand Eagle

    A wonderful prayer or wish or affirmation...a loving care for yourself. I feel a lot of self-compassion in your response. I hope this love and understanding for yourself grows and grows.
     
    Boston Redsox and Fabi like this.
  5. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    Fabi - Be gentle with yourself when it comes to swimming. Remind yourself that there is NOTHING WRONG with your shoulder. That you are undoing the conditioning that creates that pain. I know this personally because I am a swimmer (not so much anymore) and I greatly restricted my swimming for fear of headache triggers caused by free style strokes.

    I started by doing what ever stroke didn't hurt. Some days I just stretched and played in the water. Little by little, I was eventually swimming laps for an hour.

    You can do it! TMS healing isn't an exact science - it's a dance of figuring out when to push yourself - and when to nurture.
     
    Fabi likes this.
  6. Fabi

    Fabi Well known member

    [QUOTEEstar, today I went to the pool and floated and walked, and worked a little muy abs and let my arms just be, and I realized how afraid I am, so opportunity to learn to be gentle. It is so hard not to swim, fortunately my teacher is amazing! She repeated, feel the water covering your body, just stay there! Later I asked her it was nice to have those mindful reminders, and she asked, what is Mindfulness?
    Unconditioning , what a process !
    Thank you!
    rth Star, post: 59734, member: 1596"]Fabi - Be gentle with yourself when it comes to swimming. Remind yourself that there is NOTHING WRONG with your shoulder. That you are undoing the conditioning that creates that pain. I know this personally because I am a swimmer (not so much anymore) and I greatly restricted my swimming for fear of headache triggers caused by free style strokes.

    I started by doing what ever stroke didn't hurt. Some days I just stretched and played in the water. Little by little, I was eventually swimming laps for an hour.

    You can do it! TMS healing isn't an exact science - it's a dance of figuring out when to push yourself - and when to nurture.[/QUOTE]
    North Star
     
  7. Fabi

    Fabi Well known member

    I keep reading you Andy and North Star, your words are precious to me today. Thank you for tour generosity!
     
  8. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    A late reply, Fabi but...you are SO WELCOME. I am glad my words were able to encourage you. Please keep us posted on your progress.
     
  9. Fabi

    Fabi Well known member

    Hi everyone, so I will keep you posted. It´s been ten days, and they feel like 3 months!
    So I started therapeutic sessions in the swimming pool, they are very active and nothing like any "therapy" I have seen or done before. The only restriction is my arms, I just let them float and try not to put any more tension there or in the middle of my back.

    Something great happened on Tuesday, I was coming into the pool and the group was ready to start, and I noticed on a corner, a guy was holding a woman, and she was being led by him very gently. I immediately said to myself "I want that" And so I did. When the class was over, he was over too with this person, and I received a session of aguahara, I don´t know if you know it, I was just held and moved into the water, slowly and more quickly, I was put head down, and turned like in a carrousel. I cried, laughed, smiled, and growled when his hand held me in the middle of my back where it hurts. I just loved the experience and if you don´t find in you toube a video, I can search one for you. I asked the man, Pablo, who gave me the session how he felt me, he said, Delivered/Committed/(I don`t know the word in English) he meant I gave myself up to the experience, and spontaneous.

    I wanted and I want to keep that experience of being gentle, because I need that. And I need to let it become more automatic, it is not my first response.

    Yesterday, my back and neck pain came back, even worse than when it started. And I was more scared, yet more committed to facing it. I fear I won´t be able to go back to school in two weeks, when holidays are over, I am angry I can´t go on with my housework without being dizzy or in pain. I am angry I have spent my holidays in pain. I am irritated.

    Yet I know I can also be very close to recovery. I was watching the film "Dreams" by Akira Kurosawa. In the third short story, a story of mountain main in a snow and wind storm in the mountain, the message is very clear. You can let yourself die, lose hope and not know you are just five steps away from being safe and sound. I couldn´t go on watching the film into the next story. I stopped there. It was a block. I hit a block.

    So, today I slept 10 hours!!!!!!!! I overslept! Yet the first feeling was the sharp pain below my left shoulder blade, and now, three hours later, rigidity and restricted mobility in my neck and shoulders, even my ribcage!

    Tonight, I will attend a live streaming session with Dr Rick Hanson. I have been following his 12 pillars programme, I got a full scholarship since I can´t afford it. I sent him two questions, Which pillar would you stay longer if you had chronic pain? and Do you have a metaphore for "letting go"?

    Ok, that´s all for now. I need some rest now.

    May I be in peace; may I be safe; may I be healthy.
     
  10. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Fabi. You are doing great. Your swimming lessons and streaming with Dr. Hanson are both wonderful ways to heal. I am able to "let go" of emotional stress by deep breathing and thinking positive. I hope you can watch the ending of that movie, "Dreams." The Japanese funeral is my favorite of many wonderful parts of that film which everyone should see. Kurosawa was a very wise man and wonderful filmmaker. The scenery and music in the funeral scene are joys for those of any age, but especially for seniors like I am. Very peaceful and joyful images and sounds. I guess to the Japanese, death is a joyful thing, to be reunited with loved ones in paradise. I am 85 and hoping so. But not right now. I'm still enjoying being with loved ones who are here.
     
    Fabi likes this.
  11. Fabi

    Fabi Well known member

    Thank you Walt! It was really strange to read
    when I feel crapy!
    I watched Dr Hanscom on you tube this afternoon. It is very interesting and he has some new concepts. Especially when he talks about Positive Thinking and rewiring your brain. In fact he mentions on video number 7

    a Dr who shared his work on his website but I couldn´t understand the name of the site. I think it is Dr M Wegner, but the name of the site is not clear in his speech.
    Anybody knows who and what site is he talking about?
    I am really interested, he said you can´t unlearn to ride a bike, you can build a new path around it.
    Thanks for being there.
     
  12. Fabi

    Fabi Well known member

    Hi everyone, Hi my mind body pain,

    I thought I had written and lived through all my relapse. But in fact I hadn´t.
    The relapse took me again to new meds, another toxic hepatitis (mild one) and the most severe symptoms up to today.

    I see now a relapse is not a smoothe path. You don´t know when it begins, it if pauses, then it starts again, and rises and falls.

    I have a lot of support and I am resting a lot. I still have not found an understanding Dr that helps me when my pain and fear are high, and can listen and not offer me meds immediately.

    I have found I need more of myself. I need more of my compassionate and strong parts to come upfront. Because the fear is high.

    I have had an image, where my pain is like a small fearful rabbit or kitten, and it is standing on the edge of a circular path in a cave. The edge where it is standing is very small, if he moves in the wrong direction, he can fall into a deep black emptyness.
    On the other side, a tall and immoble figure, like a statue, keeps waiting for the fearful animal to jump to her/his lap, where all the pain will be washed away, little by little.
    But it is in the animal, to take the step, a big one, and jump. From the outside the distance seems very big for a hurtful small animal. The other part, the big one, is there waiting.

    I had this image when I made contact with my painful body, and I asked him to forgive me for the so many times I abused of him. The most moving part was not asking him to forgive me for my wrongdoings, but for all the joy I have not given to him. That is what hurt me the most. The joy I have not had.
     
  13. Andy B

    Andy B Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Fabi,

    This sounds like a profound contact with yourself. To see the joy you have not had, and mourn this, quite rightfully. I hope this is a tender forgiving contact, despite the pain that you see. It is not your fault that you have been caught in your personality and mind-body symptoms, and that you exist within the medical framework that you do. It just is. Like it is for millions of others on this planet.

    I recognize your steadfast inner work to come into loving contact with yourself.

    Andy B
     
    Fabi likes this.
  14. Fabi

    Fabi Well known member

    Andy,

    Thank you for your supporting words.

    It is indeed a tender contact, my dear body deserves it and he has me with loving vows, as I have him, my brother/sister/friend body.

    Fabi
     

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