Day 30 Legalist personailty

"Legalists also hold themselves to extremely high standards that can breed feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred. (Pain Free for Life, pgs. 110-113)."

Journaled on this today. Seeing lots of connections between my personality (perspective) and inner turmoil (rage). Today's Question to Ponder asked about the most important relationship in our lives and how working this program has impacted that. I'd say right now, for me, it's myself.... I was unwilling to see how much self hatred I've had most of my life. I'm seeing it now, and working toward letting that go and replacing it with self love (or even self like, for now). Through this program and with this knowledge, I've been trying to be more self compassionate, being mindful of the hateful things I say to myself daily... talking to my mind when I catch them, and telling myself that I love myself throughout the day.... can't say I fully believe myself yet, but I'm sticking with it in hopes that it will eventually be true. I've even been giving myself hugs and saying out loud (when alone!) "I love you, forgive you, and accept you", and I try to do this without judging myself.

Merry Xmas. Kevin

 

Hi, Kevin. Your post today is wonderful. You're learning what we all have to do... accept ourselves, warts and all. Everyone has some of those.
Give yourself a hug from me.
I have several male friends who always hug me when they see me, and again when we part. It always feels good.
One of them is coming here in an hour for a Christmas brunch.

Have a joyful Christmas!

 

"Always needing to be right". I sure didn't think I had that personality trait. Of course I study and write about the various traits during the program.

I remember thinking. ..well, I can't say anything unless I am "sure" I am right. Egads I got that trait too.

 

Hi kevin I'm only on day 4 of the SEP program and already have learned so a much about myself. Its almost scary how much my real self is uncharted territory. ... Other people's experiences can shed a lot of light on our own situation. Reading your post just now with the quote about a legalist personality trait, i suddenly realised that IS HUGE for me...i hadn't realized before just how significant. I set such impossibly high standards for myself that probably no one could reach and then loathe myself and feel unworthy and guilty for not succeeding. Thank you for your sharing which enabled me to have one of those truly significant light bulb moments.....

 

Hi Kevin,

I love your post for many reasons.

The "legalists" may correlate with the One on the Enneagram personality types?

This is where I see my personality. It is also known as a "perfectionist" because there is a longing for perfection in the inner and outer experience. On a deeper spiritual level, this personality understands in her/his Being that the world is perfect. At one time, this perception of "Perfection" was probably conscious, and then it was lost. (Each of the Enneatypes results from being cut off from an aspect of Being.)

Being cut off from a direct perception of this condition of Perfection creates all the reactivity to "perfect, improve, fix." To understand perfection at the deepest level, and then be "cast out" is painful and enraging, and like the other Enneatypes leads to a lifetime of reaction.

Your post makes me think of how enraging it is for the One to not live in a perfect world, and the rage also of the Inner Child who is always being coerced into --against all odds, "making things better." I wonder if you relate to any of this.

Everything you write about self-hate is so empowering. It is one of the most basic ingredients of all personalities, to reject who we are, and how we interact. Your words are courageous. To see the self-hate, and to observe you acting it out on others and yourself, this is a powerful beginning toward self-compassion. Or "self-like!" I love that you wrote that. Loving-Kindness is the Buddhist term. Seeing the self-hate do its work thousands of times, I believe is the road to "skillful means."

The challenge may be to not hate ourselves for hating ourselves! Accepting the condition we are in. Then there is only kindness.

Andy B.