Leaving TMS For A Bit

[Sarah79]

Hello again,

Okay, so I came to this board a couple of weeks ago, full of the joys of discovery and hope on this thread here > http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/chronic-foot-pain-9-issues-diagnosed.15275/ (Chronic Foot Pain - 9 Issues Diagnosed)

But I have since struggled to accept that one of the nine diagnoses is TMS, that of functional hallux limitus. The other things, I was happy and comfortable to lay at the feet of being emotionally driven, but the FHL continued to feel structural. I went back to the doctor yesterday, to push for an MRI, and once again he examined the foot and the toe in particular, which does have limited mobility. Arthritis was mentioned, though only as a 'this is an arthritic condition,' which upset me greatly, and I feel that I need to try to preserve the movement I have in the big toe and undergo the more traditional medical route first.

I feel (a bit) devastated, insofar as one can; everything made sense when I found TMS but while I could turn round a case of TMS with surety, if I let the big toe joint continue to jar and jam, then physically, it will get worse, as well as creating further problems through the foot and leg;I just can't risk doing that.

Glum days, but feel I've made the right decision regarding that toe joint at least.

Thanks for all replies to my threads, kind words and support. I do still believe in the concept of TMS but just cannot apply it to this condition without fear I'm doing myself more harm.

Best to you all

Sarah

 

[plum]

Hello again,

Okay, so I came to this board a couple of weeks ago, full of the joys of discovery and hope on this thread here > http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/chronic-foot-pain-9-issues-diagnosed.15275/ (Chronic Foot Pain - 9 Issues Diagnosed)

But I have since struggled to accept that one of the nine diagnoses is TMS, that of functional hallux limitus. The other things, I was happy and comfortable to lay at the feet of being emotionally driven, but the FHL continued to feel structural. I went back to the doctor yesterday, to push for an MRI, and once again he examined the foot and the toe in particular, which does have limited mobility. Arthritis was mentioned, though only as a 'this is an arthritic condition,' which upset me greatly, and I feel that I need to try to preserve the movement I have in the big toe and undergo the more traditional medical route first.

I feel (a bit) devastated, insofar as one can; everything made sense when I found TMS but while I could turn round a case of TMS with surety, if I let the big toe joint continue to jar and jam, then physically, it will get worse, as well as creating further problems through the foot and leg;I just can't risk doing that.

Glum days, but feel I've made the right decision regarding that toe joint at least.

Thanks for all replies to my threads, kind words and support. I do still believe in the concept of TMS but just cannot apply it to this condition without fear I'm doing myself more harm.

Best to you all

Sarah

Sarah,

Many of us have experienced this apparent fork in the healing road. It is a demonstration of either/or thinking whereas true healing encompasses the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Those of us who understand TMS well have great compassion for this part of the journey because there is so much to learn and assimilate. It commands nothing less than a complete upheaval of your belief system. You can still embrace the emotional work while following standard medical care. They can complement and support each other. Whatever you choose I wish you well in your healing and your life.

Here is a thread that covers this a little:

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/sometimes-its-not-just-psychological.13495/ (Sometimes it's not "just" psychological...)


Plum x

 

[Sarah79]

Hi Plum,

Thanks for your lovely reply.

I didn't actually realise that I 'could' run both standard medical care alongside the emotional work, as I thought that by doing so, I was contradicting the belief of TMS as a psychological condition. I quit my trigger point therapy last week, even though that had made the biggest difference (before TMS) because the advice seemed to be wholesale, 'forget the physical.' It's really interesting what you write, thanks ever so.

I did feel that I was getting 'somewhere' with the SEP, not necessarily impacting on my pain (yet) but just making inroads into things that were bringing up even more stuff. I've been in almost constant tears for two days, and I'm sure that all that emotion is better out than in.

So, maybe return to the SEP but keep on with self-care and medical investigation at the same time? I will read that thread you recommended, too.

Best wishes

Sarah

 

[Sarah79]

Wow, what a thread, Plum, thank you for pointing me in its wise direction. It makes a lot of sense, and healing is indeed a personal journey. I feel more confident to return to the SEP whilst I also pursue medical ends. You write beautifully. I hope your life with your partner continues - there is obviously much love there for and from each other.

Sarah x

 

[Ferndale37]

Hi Sarah, I too had to take a leap of faith with hallux limitus. I have it in both big toes, and a huge bone spur on my right. The condition was confirmed by x ray and I was wearing orthotics for a few years. I saw a tms doc who couldn't believe I'd been prescribed orthotics for this, I did some research and it turns out that my podiatrist hadn't told me that hallux limitus pain only gets worse in around 20% of people. The degeneration may get worse but this doesn't correlate with pain. This made me more confident about using Tms work to heal. I also concluded that if Dr Sarno talks about arthritis in other parts of the body being natural and not painful, surley this should apply to the feet. So I believed, I took my orthotics out and apart from the odd bit of aching after very long walks, im fine. I'll try and dig out the study I found and post. Also, there is absolutely no link between hallux limitus and getting arthritis elsewhere in the body, so I wouldn't worry about putting other body parts at risk.

 

[Ferndale37]

Here's a screen shot of some info, if you want the link to page, let me know and I'll post later.

 

[plum]

Wow, what a thread, Plum, thank you for pointing me in its wise direction. It makes a lot of sense, and healing is indeed a personal journey. I feel more confident to return to the SEP whilst I also pursue medical ends. You write beautifully. I hope your life with your partner continues - there is obviously much love there for and from each other.

Sarah x

You'll occasionally find posts written by TMS old timers sharing thoughts on how healing is so much more than no longer being in pain. Sometimes we even call it a blessing and in truth, it is. Holding our emotions in and holding back our self-expression is a half-life lived in the shadows. There comes a time when you understand TMS deep in your marrow and it is this knowing and wisdom that creates miracles. So please, let go of any feelings of compromise and give yourself whole-heartedly to every facet of healing. We're here for you should more questions arise or concerns prevail.

And thank you for your kindness. It's a funny thing, on the surface me and my better half have lost everything but we know we have gained the world. Life can be gloriously topsy-turvy. I am immensely grateful to the good people here who have supported me through some pretty rocky times. That is the wonderful thing about this place and I know of nowhere else like it on the internet.

Plum x

 

[Steve Ozanich]

You have to look at the big picture, you can't just look at the toe in isolation against all the other aspects. Do you fit the personality that tends to exhibit more symptoms? What is your health history? Relationship with parents? Panic? Anxiety? Timing of the onset of your symptoms? Look at the toe-tal picture.

I've worked with people who had jumping toes, numb toes, stiff toes, hot toes and cold toes. Some at Fritos. And, since we know that arthritis does not cause pain on its own, the situation looks toe-tally suspicious. My left hip socket is a mess with arthritis and deformity, and my right ankle is basically gone, eaten away with arthritis and ossified. But I have no pain in either any more because those things aren't causative factors in pain, only source destinations.

The first thing you should be focusing on is depression.

SteveO
Old Timer

 

[Sarah79]

Wow, more awesome replies to find today - thank you very much Ferndale and SteveO - I ordered your book on 10 Healing Discoveries k a week or so ago so it's really exciting to have a reply from you, I must say!

Growing up - had a stammer, which I still have. Was told it wasn't appropriate to take my anger out on
anyone, despite huge frustration and rage at being bullied / limited with regards opportunities, both personal and professional. String of dead-end jobs followed, despite my family being v academic and successful. Father (died in 2012 when I was 33) had severe depression and I was witness to a lot of arguments and violence. My older sister self-harmed for a while. We're both on anti-depressants.

Health history - depression, hay fever, tennis elbow, tendonitis, stomach upsets (went through stage as a child where I was taken to the GP regularly for periods of being sick), occasionally dizziness, de Quervaines, hip pain which turned out to be indicative of a tiny labral tear; had steroid injection for that about a year before foot problems then came about. Also, two shoulder arthroscopies which did absolutely nothing for clicking and occasional pain.

2012 - my father died very suddenly. A year later, I was forced out of my job. Started dog-walking business in 2014. Throughout this point was also in a relationship with a guy who had severe depression and anxiety; he withdrew all physical demonstration of love, uniliaterally, overnight. He would also say unpleasant things to me regarding my speech. Last February, I reached a point where I couldn't take the lovelessness any more and finished with him. An odd break-up; one phone call and then nothing more. No processing of emotion. 6 weeks later, foot pain started while I was out en route to a dog walk; initially diagnosed as tendonitis.

Dog business - became inundated with work. Couldn't say no. Entered counselling in 2014 and one of my issues was boundaries and saying no. Still couldn't really do it - have just started now. Last year, one of my clients fell ill and I had their dogs for 7 months without a day off. Struggled to fulfil walking capabilities, though pain would vary wildly and move around. I became resentful of people who asked me to work for them, while simultaneously being very polite and dutiful and stretching myself. I became overwhelmed with guilt as I knew that some days I couldn't give their dog adequate exercise. One of the women I worked for runs a literary festival and she suggested I become secretary, and so I did, taking on a huge, unpaid workload over which I felt very angry but didn't feel I could say no.

Anger - I do have a temper which is triggered by very small things. Dogs barking, especially at night, can send me to a very short-tempered place. I have lost a lot of compassion, or so I feel. I pranged my car recently and exploded with rage. I used to be worse, but it's still not great.

Personality - very hard on myself, highly sensitive to criticism, low self-esteem, poor boundaries. Huge procrastinator which then causes me stress, as I fear failure so would rather not try, than try and fail. Low achiever although have good potential. Hide from life.

Was sexually assaulted once when 19, and raped in a relationship - after having disclosed the assault to my partner - when I was 26.

Stressors - I get panicked because I tend to procrastinate and ignore things and then I find my email, for example, a scary place to go and see all that I've left unanswered, the work I've not done. I rent a room to an old friend who can be very dominating; he also doesn't like the dogs at all so I'm quite anxious when he comes home as he'll sigh and huff and make it clear that he doesn't like it, even though I have the naturally authoritative position in the house and shouldn't feel so cowed. Also, have an ageing mum, a widower, and that terrifies and annoys me (anger beneath that, anger at 'how dare you get old? How dare you threaten me with your eventual loss?') .

I think and can describe and can intellectualise, but I don't really 'feel' very much; I would say I am out of touch with my emotions, though the bad ones - fear, panic, anger - are much easier to access than anything good. I would describe myself largely as 'numb.'

Umm, that's all for now - more to add to this, I think, but it makes a lot of sense to think that TMS is at play.

 

[mike2014]

Hi Sarah,

I'm sorry to hear that you are currently enduring such a difficult time.

If you have any fear get an MRI, it's about building up your confidence in the diagnosis. But at the same time bear in mind, stress illness can come in many shapes and forms.

Whilst I agree, hallax limitus may not be, by definition, TMS. I would say it does definitely sit within the wider spectrum of "mind body" ailments.

Incorporating mind body healing will not only help you lead a more enriched life, by changing your relationship with fear, worry, anger etc it will enable your body to rejuvenate, replenish and heal,whether it's causation is mind related, or a real injury.

From my understanding and readings... fear, worry and anger seem to be the biggest reasons for arthritis.

I want to point you, towards the work of a lady called Barbara Allan who suffered from severe arthritis and had many food intolerances. She was wheelchair bound for several years.

Over a period of time she made small lifestyle changes, which encompassed, dietary, range of motion excercise and meditation. All of which led to her full recovery, she can walk completely and has zero food intolerances. It's quite a remarkable story.

Whilst her work isn't "pure" Sarno, she has recognised emotions play a pivotal role in the causation of arthritis and has since helped many.

Our very own @balto also suffered from severe arthritis and managed to overcome it by applying Sarno theory. Perhaps he will be so kind as to share a few words of wisdom.

Please stick around. I'm sure you will find the forum full with golden nuggets of wisdom and support in abundance. It's a hugely caring and loving place.

I know exactly how frustrating the journey can be at times, but we all have every confidence in you.

Please be kind and loving to yourself, the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.


With kindness, Mike

 

[Ewok]

You have to look at the big picture, you can't just look at the toe in isolation against all the other aspects. Do you fit the personality that tends to exhibit more symptoms? What is your health history? Relationship with parents? Panic? Anxiety? Timing of the onset of your symptoms? Look at the toe-tal picture.

I've worked with people who had jumping toes, numb toes, stiff toes, hot toes and cold toes. Some at Fritos. And, since we know that arthritis does not cause pain on its own, the situation looks toe-tally suspicious. My left hip socket is a mess with arthritis and deformity, and my right ankle is basically gone, eaten away with arthritis and ossified. But I have no pain in either any more because those things aren't causative factors in pain, only source destinations.

The first thing you should be focusing on is depression.

SteveO
Old Timer

@Steve Ozanich May I ask what you mean by focusing first on depression? Does that mean examining what is happening in your life that is causing depression? Or something else? I thought depression was a symptom, like pain, trying to cover up feelings?