Last Roll Of The Dice

[scott.steven182]

Hey, everyone. I've suffered from a myriad of mindbody problems for the past 29 years and I've had enough. I have so many symptoms it would take a small book just to list them all never never mind describe them. My primary symptoms are pain, tightness and strange sensations all over my head, pain and stiffness in my neck, pain, tightness and spasming in throat, pain all over my back, pain in both shoulders, difficulty using both arms and pain in my chest. The head pain and throat stuff has been messing with my ability to speak and swallow for as long as I can remember and the other problems I listed have been major issues for a long, long time but in recent months things have got so bad I'm struggling to move and it's got to the point where I'm more or less housebound (I force myself to go outside one a week so I don't become aggrophobic).


I've read all the books and listened to and watched the podcasts etc...but nothing I try ever helps. I understand what's going on and I think I have a pretty good idea of how I ended up like this and the reasons why my unconsious mind refuses to stop creating the symptoms but despite nigh on a decade of study I have no idea what to do about any of it.

I can't go on feeling this. I want my life back. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[BloodMoon]

I think I have a pretty good idea of... the reasons why my unconsious mind refuses to stop creating the symptoms

I too have suffered a myriad of symptoms for around 30 years. However, in recent times, I've gone from being bedridden and housebound to functioning pretty well by comparison (albeit not fully free of symptoms, but my life feels worth living, whereas it was awful before). I've got to where I am now by taking a 'baby steps' approach to very gradually doing the things I couldn't do. I put my improvement down to tackling a fearful 'lizard' brain, gradually getting it to be less fearful. If you believe that your unconscious mind is creating symptoms due fear, then I'd suggest using this new workbook (published at the end of last year): 'The Pain Reprocessing Therapy Workbook: Using the Brain's Neuroplasticity to Break the Cycle of Chronic Pain'by Vanessa M. Blackstone and Olivia S. Sinaiko. You can see more inside it than you can on Amazon on Google books here:

https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=qMfxEAAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false (The Pain Reprocessing Therapy Workbook)

And this is The Workbook on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Pain-Reproce...the+pain+reprocessing+workbook,aps,173&sr=8-1

If you want to 'hedge your bets' and also deal with anger/rage for a two pronged approach (that personally, I think many of we TMSers need to do), see my thread about 'The Anger Book - A Journal To Destroy' by Elias Baar, here: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/the-anger-book-a-journal-to-destroy-by-elias-baar.30103/

And lastly, if you have trauma in your past that you keep looping back to and/or current difficulties that you are finding difficult to tackle, then I can tell you that this book has been helpful to me: 'Change What Happened to You: How to Use Neuroscience to Get the Life You Want by Changing Your Negative Childhood Memories'and is by Odille and Steve Remmert https://www.amazon.com/Change-What-Happened-You-Neuroscience/dp/B09SNV6GKT/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1S81R9CX4J8AH&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.42BY7ufxm38r3r8ZJMzsnOXm4ngp2fF2ftI0u_zV_r4.jvJ0Fub_qvp6gT41re065-Ue_bdsURvbAnXiKuD3Iug&dib_tag=se&keywords=odille+remmert&qid=1754750731&sprefix=odille+remmert,aps,136&sr=8-1 The idea isn't to change your memories so that your conscious mind doesn't remember what actually did happen, it's about revisiting events and giving yourself the support that you needed but didn't get at the time. I got perplexity.ai to give me a simple-to-do routine, putting together what the book advises and it came up with this...

I wish you well and hope that something I've mentioned appeals and will help you.

 

[scott.steven182]

I too have suffered a myriad of symptoms for around 30 years. However, in recent times, I've gone from being bedridden and housebound to functioning pretty well by comparison (albeit not fully free of symptoms, but my life feels worth living, whereas it was awful before). I've got to where I am now by taking a 'baby steps' approach to very gradually doing the things I couldn't do. I put my improvement down to tackling a fearful 'lizard' brain, gradually getting it to be less fearful. If you believe that your unconscious mind is creating symptoms due fear, then I'd suggest using this new workbook (published at the end of last year): 'The Pain Reprocessing Therapy Workbook: Using the Brain's Neuroplasticity to Break the Cycle of Chronic Pain'by Vanessa M. Blackstone and Olivia S. Sinaiko. You can see more inside it than you can on Amazon on Google books here:

https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=qMfxEAAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false (The Pain Reprocessing Therapy Workbook)

And this is The Workbook on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Pain-Reproce...the+pain+reprocessing+workbook,aps,173&sr=8-1

If you want to 'hedge your bets' and also deal with anger/rage for a two pronged approach (that personally, I think many of we TMSers need to do), see my thread about 'The Anger Book - A Journal To Destroy' by Elias Baar, here: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/the-anger-book-a-journal-to-destroy-by-elias-baar.30103/

And lastly, if you have trauma in your past that you keep looping back to and/or current difficulties that you are finding difficult to tackle, then I can tell you that this book has been helpful to me: 'Change What Happened to You: How to Use Neuroscience to Get the Life You Want by Changing Your Negative Childhood Memories'and is by Odille and Steve Remmert https://www.amazon.com/Change-What-Happened-You-Neuroscience/dp/B09SNV6GKT/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1S81R9CX4J8AH&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.42BY7ufxm38r3r8ZJMzsnOXm4ngp2fF2ftI0u_zV_r4.jvJ0Fub_qvp6gT41re065-Ue_bdsURvbAnXiKuD3Iug&dib_tag=se&keywords=odille+remmert&qid=1754750731&sprefix=odille+remmert,aps,136&sr=8-1 The idea isn't to change your memories so that your conscious mind doesn't remember what actually did happen, it's about revisiting events and giving yourself the support that you needed but didn't get at the time. I got perplexity.ai to give me a simple-to-do routine, putting together what the book advises and it came up with this...

View attachment 2237
View attachment 2238

I wish you well and hope that something I've mentioned appeals and will help you.

Hey. Thank you for the book recommendations. I'll check them out.

 

[Ellen]

I've read all the books and listened to and watched the podcasts etc..

You have done well educating yourself about TMS and this is a necessary first step, but in my experience what you describe above is passive. To make progress we need to actively engage in our recovery, which means challenging ourselves and our beliefs in ways that make us uncomfortable. I suggest picking a structured program like the SEP that is free on this site. There are many others. I'm not familiar with the ones that @BloodMoon recommends above, but they sound good. The important thing is to pick one and do the exercises on a daily basis for the prescribed amount of time. If you still have symptoms at the end of your chosen program, then choose another and stick with it. Persistence and actively challenging ourselves is what pays off.

Best wishes on your recovery journey.

 

[Diana-M]

@scott.steven182
Hi! Glad you’re here. Many of us have widespread issues. I do. And I fight being housebound, as well. I know how hard it is! It’s great you have a good outlook on doing the work. You will definitely be able to improve your life. Hang out here for wisdom and courage! The advice recommended by @BloodMoon and @Ellen above is great. You can’t go wrong with that.

 

[scott.steven182]

You have done well educating yourself about TMS and this is a necessary first step, but in my experience what you describe above is passive. To make progress we need to actively engage in our recovery, which means challenging ourselves and our beliefs in ways that make us uncomfortable. I suggest picking a structured program like the SEP that is free on this site. There are many others. I'm not familiar with the ones that @BloodMoon recommends above, but they sound good. The important thing is to pick one and do the exercises on a daily basis for the prescribed amount of time. If you still have symptoms at the end of your chosen program, then choose another and stick with it. Persistence and actively challenging ourselves is what pays off.

Best wishes on your recovery journey.

Hey. Thanks for taking the time to offer me some advice. I've tried multiple programs abd they font help me. Perhaps they don't address my specific issues ? Who knows. If you can recommend a course I'd be willing to give it a try

 

[Diana-M]

Scott, the free course on this site is called the Structured Educational Program (SEP, for short). It’s a good one.

 

[Ellen]

Hey. Thanks for taking the time to offer me some advice. I've tried multiple programs abd they font help me. Perhaps they don't address my specific issues ? Who knows. If you can recommend a course I'd be willing to give it a try

I agree that the Structured Education Program is a good one--and it's free!

 

[scott.steven182]

I agree that the Structured Education Program is a good one--and it's free!

But did it help you get better ? It didn't work for me at all.

 

[Ellen]

But did it help you get better ? It didn't work for me at all.

I first did Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain program from his book. I improved substantially but still had some lingering TMS that would flare up at times. Then I did the SEP--TWICE! I finally got to 100% free of TMS, but still have a relapse here and there.

So my advice is to not give up. Pick a daily program and stick to it. If you still have TMS at the end, do it again or pick another. Keep plugging away. And read Success Stories for inspiration and ideas.

 

[Diana-M]

I love inspiring stories like this, @Ellen !

 

[scott.steven182]

I first did Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain program from his book. I improved substantially but still had some lingering TMS that would flare up at times. Then I did the SEP--TWICE! I finally got to 100% free of TMS, but still have a relapse here and there.

So my advice is to not give up. Pick a daily program and stick to it. If you still have TMS at the end, do it again or pick another. Keep plugging away. And read Success Stories for inspiration and ideas.

I can't do this anymore. I've decided to kill myself. I had the opportunity to go out tonight so of course my symptoms took away my ability to walk. I can't allow this anymore. I can't. I just can't.

@scott.steven182
Hi! Glad you’re here. Many of us have widespread issues. I do. And I fight being housebound, as well. I know how hard it is! It’s great you have a good outlook on doing the work. You will definitely be able to improve your life. Hang out here for wisdom and courage! The advice recommended by @BloodMoon and @Ellen above is great. You can’t go wrong with that.

 

[Diana-M]

I had the opportunity to go out tonight so of course my symptoms took away my ability to walk. I can't allow this anymore. I can't. I just can't.

Scott,
Every time I even THINK (literally think) of leaving my house, my body does everything it can to keep me from being able to walk. It’s like I’m the tin man in Wizard of Oz, frozen. Sometimes I’ve been able to force my body to walk anyway (it’s like walking through concrete), and sometimes I’m unable to. Yes! It’s incredibly depressing. I can completely understand! Truly, with all my heart! But if you can hang in there, there is definitely hope— I can prove it and so can others here. We do this baby step thing, where the smallest of gestures is tolerated by your TMS brain, and you’re able to move forward. For me, I’ve been working on going outside by going out on my back deck. Sometimes, if I wait too many days it’s a lot of work to get out there. On good days, it’s a battle with my legs— but I’m able to force my way through. Other days, it shuts me down. But all in all, it’s getting easier. Maybe you can find some baby steps that will work for your nervous system. Maybe walk to your front door a couple times a day until it’s not afraid to do that. Maybe go out on your front porch? And back in? Do that for weeks until you get less resistance. The point is there is hope! I promise you. There are so many ways to survive this psychologically while you’re waiting to get all the way better. Despite being incredibly trapped —my optimism has skyrocketed over the past year and yours can too! I will be glad to help you! Don’t give up!!! I will pray for you. I believe in the power of prayer—so I’m sending that and all good thoughts and hope your way.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

@scott.steven182, I'm truly sorry for the suffering that you are experiencing. I am going to address your assertion that you've "tried everything" which, believe me, we hear regularly, so you are not alone in that regard. I will say that we hear and see this by far from more men, and to me the reason has to be because males are consciously raised in most of human societies to be anything except emotionally vulnerable.

To really do this work, you gotta get down and dirty and scary with your emotions.

I will challenge you right now to ask yourself, compared to the ultimate alternative of ending your life, what have you got to lose by going all-in and blowing your emotions wide open? I am talking about literally going back to yourself as a terrified, abandoned, and rejected little child, and rebuilding from scratch. Can you contemplate what that might be like? Can you see any value in it? What does your fear-based lizard brain think about it?

Many people "do the SEP" in theory, but without engaging emotionally. Some people rush through it on the assumption that doing it faster leads to faster healing, without understanding that it takes time and emotional vulnerability to uncover the protective layers that were laid down during our emotional development in childhood.

The same people who do the SEP this way also "do" psychotherapy the same way. They want a quick fix and only go through the motion of showing up and blaming the therapist in short notice order if they aren't fixed. These are the the people who therapists have to let go, because the walls of resistance are too thick, and the average therapist, who is only human, doesn't have the superhuman strength to tear them down.

Nicole Sachs says "No one escapes childhood unscathed" so you have to be willing to go there, and you have to be willing to look at your past with the emotional immaturity of yourself as a young child. For many people this is terrifying, and their brains will come up with very creative and apparently valid reasons to avoid going as deep as they need to go, and they'll unconsciously fake their way through the the SEP and convince themselves they've "done the work" but that it didn't accomplish anything, and then we're looking at the victimhood mentality that tends to appear more clearly at this point. This is a sign of resistance, and it's a sign that the emotional walls are thick for whatever reason.

Any program needs to be done mindfully, and with a willingness to be emotionally open and vulnerable. Actively, as @Ellen says, not passively.

There's a reason the SEP is divided into Days. Be mindful of anything that causes you to be emotionally resistant and take the time to stop and examine the resistance with brutal self-honesty. Anything less is a waste of time.

 

[Ellen]

I can't do this anymore. I've decided to kill myself.

Please reach out for help from a mental health professional.

Call or text the suicide crisis hotline with 988

Call and set up an appointment with a mental health therapist in your area.

Most of us with TMS and unresolved trauma have been where you are at. You can get through this.

 

[scott.steven182]

Please reach out for help from a mental health professional.

Call or text the suicide crisis hotline with 988

Call and set up an appointment with a mental health therapist in your area.

Most of us with TMS and unresolved trauma have been where you are at. You can get through this.

Tried all that. There's no trauma. 29 years on the scrap heap is enough for me. I have to much respect for myself to allow this dogshit to be my life.

 

[scott.steven182]

@scott.steven182, I'm truly sorry for the suffering that you are experiencing. I am going to address your assertion that you've "tried everything" which, believe me, we hear regularly, so you are not alone in that regard. I will say that we hear and see this by far from more men, and to me the reason has to be because males are consciously raised in most of human societies to be anything except emotionally vulnerable.

To really do this work, you gotta get down and dirty and scary with your emotions.

I will challenge you right now to ask yourself, compared to the ultimate alternative of ending your life, what have you got to lose by going all-in and blowing your emotions wide open? I am talking about literally going back to yourself as a terrified, abandoned, and rejected little child, and rebuilding from scratch. Can you contemplate what that might be like? Can you see any value in it? What does your fear-based lizard brain think about it?

Many people "do the SEP" in theory, but without engaging emotionally. Some people rush through it on the assumption that doing it faster leads to faster healing, without understanding that it takes time and emotional vulnerability to uncover the protective layers that were laid down during our emotional development in childhood.

The same people who do the SEP this way also "do" psychotherapy the same way. They want a quick fix and only go through the motion of showing up and blaming the therapist in short notice order if they aren't fixed. These are the the people who therapists have to let go, because the walls of resistance are too thick, and the average therapist, who is only human, doesn't have the superhuman strength to tear them down.

Nicole Sachs says "No one escapes childhood unscathed" so you have to be willing to go there, and you have to be willing to look at your past with the emotional immaturity of yourself as a young child. For many people this is terrifying, and their brains will come up with very creative and apparently valid reasons to avoid going as deep as they need to go, and they'll unconsciously fake their way through the the SEP and convince themselves they've "done the work" but that it didn't accomplish anything, and then we're looking at the victimhood mentality that tends to appear more clearly at this point. This is a sign of resistance, and it's a sign that the emotional walls are thick for whatever reason.

Any program needs to be done mindfully, and with a willingness to be emotionally open and vulnerable. Actively, as @Ellen says, not passively.

There's a reason the SEP is divided into Days. Be mindful of anything that causes you to be emotionally resistant and take the time to stop and examine the resistance with brutal self-honesty. Anything less is a waste of time.

Tried all that. There's nothing. I'm just in pain for no discernable reason. More thinking isn't gonna help. I can't cry or feel anything. Nothing can help with this. I'm totally numb and what little emotion I experience manifests as more symptoms. Nothing, exists accept the symptoms including me. I don't care if I have to crawl to the river near where I live, I'mgoing in and not coming out.

 

[Diana-M]

primary symptoms are pain, tightness and strange sensations all over my head, pain and stiffness in my neck, pain, tightness and spasming in throat, pain all over my back, pain in both shoulders, difficulty using both arms and pain in my chest.

Scott—all these are symptoms of anxiety. If you can, get a copy of Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weekes. It’s a short book. It explains everything. I’ve had 10 years of psychotherapy, dug through every crack and crevice of my sordid past, journaled for years about anger til I’m blue in the face, and nothing has helped me like this book.

 

[scott.steven182]

Scott—all these are symptoms of anxiety. If you can, get a copy of Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weekes. It’s a short book. It explains everything. I’ve had 10 years of psychotherapy, dug through every crack and crevice of my sordid past, journaled for years about anger til I’m blue in the face, and nothing has helped me like this book.

Read it years ago, it didn't help

 

[scott.steven182]

@scott.steven182, I'm truly sorry for the suffering that you are experiencing. I am going to address your assertion that you've "tried everything" which, believe me, we hear regularly, so you are not alone in that regard. I will say that we hear and see this by far from more men, and to me the reason has to be because males are consciously raised in most of human societies to be anything except emotionally vulnerable.

To really do this work, you gotta get down and dirty and scary with your emotions.

I will challenge you right now to ask yourself, compared to the ultimate alternative of ending your life, what have you got to lose by going all-in and blowing your emotions wide open? I am talking about literally going back to yourself as a terrified, abandoned, and rejected little child, and rebuilding from scratch. Can you contemplate what that might be like? Can you see any value in it? What does your fear-based lizard brain think about it?

Many people "do the SEP" in theory, but without engaging emotionally. Some people rush through it on the assumption that doing it faster leads to faster healing, without understanding that it takes time and emotional vulnerability to uncover the protective layers that were laid down during our emotional development in childhood.

The same people who do the SEP this way also "do" psychotherapy the same way. They want a quick fix and only go through the motion of showing up and blaming the therapist in short notice order if they aren't fixed. These are the the people who therapists have to let go, because the walls of resistance are too thick, and the average therapist, who is only human, doesn't have the superhuman strength to tear them down.

Nicole Sachs says "No one escapes childhood unscathed" so you have to be willing to go there, and you have to be willing to look at your past with the emotional immaturity of yourself as a young child. For many people this is terrifying, and their brains will come up with very creative and apparently valid reasons to avoid going as deep as they need to go, and they'll unconsciously fake their way through the the SEP and convince themselves they've "done the work" but that it didn't accomplish anything, and then we're looking at the victimhood mentality that tends to appear more clearly at this point. This is a sign of resistance, and it's a sign that the emotional walls are thick for whatever reason.

Any program needs to be done mindfully, and with a willingness to be emotionally open and vulnerable. Actively, as @Ellen says, not passively.

There's a reason the SEP is divided into Days. Be mindful of anything that causes you to be emotionally resistant and take the time to stop and examine the resistance with brutal self-honesty. Anything less is a waste of time.

Yeah, I've tried all that. I spend years hoing over nmmy past un gorensic detail. It accomplished nothing. I have no bad childhood memories etc...my problems are very straightforward. I Injured my neck and the pain refuses to switch off which is forcing ny ebtire body fo ve zo tiggt I cabt move.. That's it. I can't think of a single bad thing that's ever happened to me. There's nothing in my past that upsets me, no one I have negative feelings towards etc ..I just hurt myself and the pain won't leave.