Knowing what you 'should' feel vs FEELING what you feel

[cg4002]

Hi everybody,

I am 21 and discovered Doc Sarno and this whole thing last spring after a lengthy battle with TMS manifesting as fatigue. Long story short, but the issues mainly come from a heap of childhood bullying, deaths in the family and friends, perfectionist pressure, so on. I made great progress over a few months and my life has become so much better, but things got a lot worse after a few major roadbumps. My school schedule is incredibly rigorous and stressful, which unfortunately isn't going to change -- and will only worsen until my graduation. Also, I was sexually taken advantage of by someone I previously considered a close friend. This happened in August.

My immediate reaction was emotional repression for myself, and making excuses for my assaulter as well as all of my former friends who chose to turn their heads and pretend that nothing had happened, pretty much choosing him over me when he is known to be a very flawed, selfish person while I have always tried to be there for all of them at the drop of a hat. I was quietly shunned and lost what little of a social support system I have, which was devastating.

I came to know intellectually that I should be furious, I should be enraged, but I felt nothing. Fatigue flooded my life again, and I also developed minor eczema which I am certain is a substitution. Only now, months later, is the emotional ice starting to melt. In class today I suddenly got so angry and distressed for seemingly no reason that I had to step out. I realized why, that rage over my assault was coming out, and I started furiously writing how I felt onto a piece of paper and pacing the hallway to calm down. All of the anger was directed at my friends for failing me, not at my assaulter.

I journal about 5 days a week, meditate about 4, exercise about 5. I am working on self-care and chasing genuine, unconditional joy in activites like I think Day 37 or 38 of the SEP mentions. I try so hard to feel what I am feeling and to work it out, but it feels like I have no control or ability to. I know I should be angry over my assault, I know I should be stressed out over school, I know I wake up and I don't want to get out of bed and exist, but it's all blocked. I feel like a void inside. And, whenever some emotions do come out, they never last past the day. I wake up the next day and I'm back to being fake-empty. Even though I know I'm a mess inside. I want to feel like a mess! And I continue to emotionally repress, to be a perfectionist, to suffocate myself. It is affecting every level of my life.

I feel stuck, because no amount of unsent letters or journalling seems to be really pushing things. I have faith and I know it can, I know I have made some progress, but I just feel stuck. I know it, but I don't feel it. Do you guys have any advice on how to take things to the next emotional level? How to take things from intellectual awareness of the situation to creating real change in your mindset, actions, and life? Any help or input is appreciated. And sorry for the lengthy post, I think this in itself was a journal entry

 

[Rabscuttle]

Sorry for what you’re going through, truly, it’s a lot for someone so young to be dealing with this.

does your school offer counseling services? I don’t think it’s wrong to go that route.

I don’t think this is a question of taking it to some other emotional level, that’s akin to some aha moment, which isn’t reality for most. You went through something traumatic on top of general school/young adult stress, it’s a lot. And it’s tough when you’re kinda forced to stay in that same environment.

I think letting go a bit and easing back on some TMS work is wise, it sounds like you’re doing a lot, maybe too much on top of the rest of your life.

take it easy on yourself.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Hi there cg, and welcome to the forum.

And sorry for the lengthy post,

I want to say first to please, for your own sake, start working on what might be a habit of selling yourself short. In fact, not only was your post NOT lengthy - not even close - it comes under my definition of the perfect introductory post, because it was focused entirely on your emotional and mental health. You avoided wasting time (yours and ours) by going into lengthy and tedious physical and medical details. Give yourself a huge gold star for that!

I think this in itself was a journal entry

Indeed, many people have this reaction to their own posts

It seems to me that you have experienced more abandonment in 21 years than most of us experience in an entire lifetime. No one who lives long enough to become conscious of our relationships with others is going to escape the emotional abyss of abandonment, but ideally, we will have the experience in small manageable doses to begin with (losing our older generations, for example) and we become familiar with the emotions along with the support of others. This growth experience does not occur when childhood is severely interrupted with what are referred to as Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) - most, if not all of which, constitute some form of Abandonment. With a capital A.

Childhood bullying is actually a form of abandonment by those who should protect their children from such abuse.

Sexual assault from a trusted individual is a deeply malicious form of abandonment. Never mind the horrifying failure of others to support you in your distress. I can't even imagine the pain.

I would highly recommend therapy with someone who is willing to challenge your repressed emotions surrounding abandonment. This is also a topic you can easily research yourself if you're reluctant to engage in therapy. There's a type of therapy called Existential Psychotherapy which is actually quite easy to learn about, and it's an approach that I found really helpful during a time when I lost two cherished people in a row in less than three years. It fits right in with TMS theory.

To learn more about Adverse Childhood Experiences, this forum post is a place to start:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/aces-quiz-online-printable-versions.27061

 

[Cactusflower]

Welcome @cg4002

I have a lengthy TMS story with symptoms beginning in childhood. My first memories of school are being made fun of and later being bullied despite having a few good friends. My parents did not stand up to the bullies but tried to force me to stand up to them, even when I was physically beaten by them - they just didn't have the skills to help me deal with it.
I also was (Most likely, since this was before I have memories) abused as an infant and this would have been a person trusted by my parents since they rarely if ever left me (and it was not a parent). EMDR therapy helped me immensely in a fairly brief period of time and without having to talk around the circumstances very much - the therapist helped me process the events and emotions even if they were not consciously dealt with. In just weeks after my therapy ended, my mood changed immensely and I credit it to to the therapy while I was doing the TMS work (journaling, meditating and thinking emotionally while trying to get back to doing 'fun' activities). It was a slow process and I just took it as it came, without a lot of self-pressure to get the job done quickly. I suspect you may feel pressure to feel better more quickly both mood and physically because you've got a lot on your plate.
I think you may not realize that you ARE feeling the "Mess" feeling the emotion can be how you are feeling empty, or feeling down, sad, maybe unmotivated some days. That simply may be how your body is actually feeling it and that is NORMAL for someone who is going through the things you are going through.
Sometimes it is acceptance that we need for the space we are in, to help us eventually move forward. Feeling stuck is not failing, not getting behind, not making progress. It's just a plateau because we need to process where we are at right now. The fact you've come here and posted asking how to move forward is a testament to your ability for self-advocacy and that you are very motivated (even if you don't think or feel it right now in all areas of your life).

@Rabscuttle 's comments are right what I was thinking: "I think letting go a bit and easing back on some TMS work is wise, it sounds like you’re doing a lot, maybe too much on top of the rest of your life." - there is no method to heal perfectly. There is no set amount of times you need to mediate, journal, excercise etc. per day or per week - that in itself is a lot of pressure for people who tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves.

Balance what you can over what you "should" or "must" is a great way to listen to your body.

 

[Joulegirl]

I try so hard to feel what I am feeling and to work it out, but it feels like I have no control or ability to. I know I should be angry over my assault, I know I should be stressed out over school, I know I wake up and I don't want to get out of bed and exist, but it's all blocked. I feel like a void inside.

Welcome! You have received some great advice here from others! Only one thing I want to add, do not put pressure on yourself to heal or "start feeling feelings now!" This will take time and you are doing a great job of self care with journaling and exercising. Also, you are so strong a brave to go through all that and still come out the other side!

Let go of what you "should know right now" and give yourself a bunch of credit for making it this far.

I also pressure myself and could see it in this sentence you wrote!

 

[cg4002]

Thanks for the advice, everyone! It's so nice that digital places like this exist. And you're all so kind

EDMR was actually just recommended to me by my old therapist from home in a recent chat over the phone, so it's definitely something I'll look into. Also, I looked on the page here for finding doctors/therapists near me and reached out to a few. Here's hoping! I hope I can get more to the root of things and process with the new therapist like you all suggested. (I would return to my old one, but I was with her for years and her skillset was different from what we're talking about here. Also, I live in a different place for college now.)

A few mentor figures in my life have accused me of being impatient before. I have a really get-it-done-now-type personality, so I think the same kind of thing is happening here. I tried to be a bit more present today and force less box-checking which felt better! I will try to take the advice here, relax a bit, and see how it goes. Also, I realized that the fact that I did have a little episode in class the other day meant that things ARE being worked through. And I'm trying to have perspective and think about, a little over a year ago, how different my day-to-day experience was and how much improvement there has been in my mental health and TMS manifestations.

@JanAtheCPA do you have any reccomendations on books or resources covering existential psychotherapy in the meantime? and what to do after taking the ACE?

Also, do you all have any opinions on whether it is better to try and make amends / confront the past with people involved in it or to quietly process on your own and accept? Especially with regards to family. I want so badly to fix things, but they've shown just about no capacity to understand so far. A few years back I actually tried family therapy for a few months with my mom; the sessions consisted of the counselor trying to get her to accept some responsibility and think from other perspectives but my mother would cry and deny the whole time until we left. She called it off because she admitted she couldn't handle it. But at the same time, I believe that my family are genuinely well-meaning people and they've definitely gotten a little better. They just are totally ill-equipped emotionally... At what point does it make more sense to stop trying? I think the abandonment thing is playing into my fear of giving up on the family front. Complicated issue!

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Also, do you all have any opinions on whether it is better to try and make amends / confront the past with people involved in it or to quietly process on your own and accept? Especially with regards to family. I want so badly to fix things, but they've shown just about no capacity to understand so far. A few years back I actually tried family therapy for a few months with my mom; the sessions consisted of the counselor trying to get her to accept some responsibility and think from other perspectives but my mother would cry and deny the whole time until we left. She called it off because she admitted she couldn't handle it. But at the same time, I believe that my family are genuinely well-meaning people and they've definitely gotten a little better. They just are totally ill-equipped emotionally... At what point does it make more sense to stop trying? I think the abandonment thing is playing into my fear of giving up on the family front. Complicated issue!

Personally I haven't found anything more freeing and liberating than letting people be who they are - it's difficult with family and it may be something to mourn absolutely, but at the end of the day they are just people with free will and you can only do so much. If you feel like you've made a substantial effort and it still feels like you are banging your head against the wall, then I would trust your intuition.

That's not to say that this validates what they did or anything of the sort, but I actually think this is very often the most self-compassionate route to take. You relieve yourself of the massive responsibility of emotionally taking care of others (we can support others, but at the end of the day we aren't in their heads and they have ultimate control) which will give you a lot more energy. It shouldn't be done out of spite either, I actually think that it is loving as you are letting the other person be themselves and giving them total freedom to show up or not show up. As painful as it may be sometimes, we are overstepping if we try to (even inadvertently) take that away from someone to get what we want (we may feel we are doing it for the other person too, but they are in the best position to know what's best for them/what they want - that's not our decision to make). That doesn't mean that you don't show up in the best way that you can, but you don't do so in the hope that the other person will change (as that leaves you open to repeated and consistent disappointment, and it's better to do something because you believe it to be right rather than because of what you're going to get back). It takes two to tango or two to play tennis, you need the other person to hit the ball over the net also

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Spot-on response from Adam. There's an emotional writing technique called The Unsent Letter that is extremely relevant and helpful for this exact issue. It's an exercise in one of our SEP modules (a link will populate the acronym) (although I can't say which "Day" it would be under).

As for these questions:

do you have any reccomendations on books or resources covering existential psychotherapy in the meantime? and what to do after taking the ACE?

1. The internet is your research pal. I don't recommend AI because it is being shown to be too shallow or too reliant on resources that aren't sophisticated. You don't want answers from health.com or whatever. The magazine Psychology Today is a good learning resource, as would be the professional organizations of qualified psychology practitioners. I learned about EP from the forum participation of Dr Peter Zafirides many years ago but he dropped out and let his web site and podcast go. I tried searching for him a while ago but I think he quietly slipped back into private practice.

2. The ACEs quiz provides a starting point for exploration, whether you're in therapy or going DIY.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

There's an emotional writing technique called The Unsent Letter that is extremely relevant and helpful for this exact issue.

Definitely! I should have added that I did this too and also did a lot of journalling around how I truly felt, to let out the hurt and frustration