Knowing what you 'should' feel vs FEELING what you feel

Hi everybody,

I am 21 and discovered Doc Sarno and this whole thing last spring after a lengthy battle with TMS manifesting as fatigue. Long story short, but the issues mainly come from a heap of childhood bullying, deaths in the family and friends, perfectionist pressure, so on. I made great progress over a few months and my life has become so much better, but things got a lot worse after a few major roadbumps. My school schedule is incredibly rigorous and stressful, which unfortunately isn't going to change -- and will only worsen until my graduation. Also, I was sexually taken advantage of by someone I previously considered a close friend. This happened in August.

My immediate reaction was emotional repression for myself, and making excuses for my assaulter as well as all of my former friends who chose to turn their heads and pretend that nothing had happened, pretty much choosing him over me when he is known to be a very flawed, selfish person while I have always tried to be there for all of them at the drop of a hat. I was quietly shunned and lost what little of a social support system I have, which was devastating.

I came to know intellectually that I should be furious, I should be enraged, but I felt nothing. Fatigue flooded my life again, and I also developed minor eczema which I am certain is a substitution. Only now, months later, is the emotional ice starting to melt. In class today I suddenly got so angry and distressed for seemingly no reason that I had to step out. I realized why, that rage over my assault was coming out, and I started furiously writing how I felt onto a piece of paper and pacing the hallway to calm down. All of the anger was directed at my friends for failing me, not at my assaulter.

I journal about 5 days a week, meditate about 4, exercise about 5. I am working on self-care and chasing genuine, unconditional joy in activites like I think Day 37 or 38 of the SEP mentions. I try so hard to feel what I am feeling and to work it out, but it feels like I have no control or ability to. I know I should be angry over my assault, I know I should be stressed out over school, I know I wake up and I don't want to get out of bed and exist, but it's all blocked. I feel like a void inside. And, whenever some emotions do come out, they never last past the day. I wake up the next day and I'm back to being fake-empty. Even though I know I'm a mess inside. I want to feel like a mess! And I continue to emotionally repress, to be a perfectionist, to suffocate myself. It is affecting every level of my life.

I feel stuck, because no amount of unsent letters or journalling seems to be really pushing things. I have faith and I know it can, I know I have made some progress, but I just feel stuck. I know it, but I don't feel it. Do you guys have any advice on how to take things to the next emotional level? How to take things from intellectual awareness of the situation to creating real change in your mindset, actions, and life? Any help or input is appreciated. And sorry for the lengthy post, I think this in itself was a journal entry

 

Sorry for what you’re going through, truly, it’s a lot for someone so young to be dealing with this.

does your school offer counseling services? I don’t think it’s wrong to go that route.

I don’t think this is a question of taking it to some other emotional level, that’s akin to some aha moment, which isn’t reality for most. You went through something traumatic on top of general school/young adult stress, it’s a lot. And it’s tough when you’re kinda forced to stay in that same environment.

I think letting go a bit and easing back on some TMS work is wise, it sounds like you’re doing a lot, maybe too much on top of the rest of your life.

take it easy on yourself.

 

Welcome @cg4002

I have a lengthy TMS story with symptoms beginning in childhood. My first memories of school are being made fun of and later being bullied despite having a few good friends. My parents did not stand up to the bullies but tried to force me to stand up to them, even when I was physically beaten by them - they just didn't have the skills to help me deal with it.
I also was (Most likely, since this was before I have memories) abused as an infant and this would have been a person trusted by my parents since they rarely if ever left me (and it was not a parent). EMDR therapy helped me immensely in a fairly brief period of time and without having to talk around the circumstances very much - the therapist helped me process the events and emotions even if they were not consciously dealt with. In just weeks after my therapy ended, my mood changed immensely and I credit it to to the therapy while I was doing the TMS work (journaling, meditating and thinking emotionally while trying to get back to doing 'fun' activities). It was a slow process and I just took it as it came, without a lot of self-pressure to get the job done quickly. I suspect you may feel pressure to feel better more quickly both mood and physically because you've got a lot on your plate.
I think you may not realize that you ARE feeling the "Mess" feeling the emotion can be how you are feeling empty, or feeling down, sad, maybe unmotivated some days. That simply may be how your body is actually feeling it and that is NORMAL for someone who is going through the things you are going through.
Sometimes it is acceptance that we need for the space we are in, to help us eventually move forward. Feeling stuck is not failing, not getting behind, not making progress. It's just a plateau because we need to process where we are at right now. The fact you've come here and posted asking how to move forward is a testament to your ability for self-advocacy and that you are very motivated (even if you don't think or feel it right now in all areas of your life).

@Rabscuttle 's comments are right what I was thinking: "I think letting go a bit and easing back on some TMS work is wise, it sounds like you’re doing a lot, maybe too much on top of the rest of your life." - there is no method to heal perfectly. There is no set amount of times you need to mediate, journal, excercise etc. per day or per week - that in itself is a lot of pressure for people who tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves.

Balance what you can over what you "should" or "must" is a great way to listen to your body.