Knowing and believing but still need to grieve

[Lonewolfbunny]

I have been down this road many times Didn't know it was TMS for most of my life but looking back I have had so many different ailments that have come and gone....to be replaced. I have had anxiety since age 12 and depression that is managed.
Recently I had a fight with a business partner who exploded and broke a dustpan into pieces in front of me. It had been a stressful week and we have a history of playing out old patterns. I fawn to keep her calm. This time I challenged the behaviour albeit in a passive aggressive way.
I remember no pain at this time. We ended up going for relationship counseling four weeks later to determine if we could continue working together. I felt great about the decision ( so I thought)
The session was positive but leading up to the session I had foot pain. I am on my feet running a business (ice cream shoppe/general store/flower shop) 10 hours a day. I have been doing this for six years. I went and bought some shoes because my shoes were pretty crap. I felt the beginning of fear because we are entering the summer season which means longer hours and less time off. I have not had more than a week off in 6 years.
I am very angry about having to work so much. I am tired and I really want to stop but I can't because we have two years left on the lease. I am not sure what I will do afterwards. I love the business I have created but I resent the Neverending demands. The blow up with my partner has a lot to do with exhaustion...and the three day headache I had leading up to the fight. Since my foot pain I have had no headaches.
I am about to start the only week off I have had in forever and will not see another break till Christmas. And guess what? Both feet are doing the pain tango. Taking turns. Nervy shooting cramping...it comes. It goes. It mostly comes. I am doing all the usual TMS stuff. I work everyday on them despite symptoms. But inside I feel despair. And in between feeling like I have conquered the fear, and not being outcome dependant I also feel vaguely suicidal. Not really suicidal. I am not sure how to explain it. It's like thoughts without desire for action. But basically I feel trapped. I love my job and hate it. I love my business partners but resent being responsible and want to stay home.
Also, my oldest son has moved out. I worry about him being lonley because he has tics and a cleft lip and is very introverted. I feel guilty when I think these thoughts. But my love for him is huge. I miss the relationship I had with my boys as children. They are men now. Ya...I'm old lol. Also this pain started before my birthday. I'm a freaking text book case. But the pain keeps coming and going and it's wearing me out. How do I remain indifferent when I am so mentally exhausted by it? I guess it scaring me

 

[Cactusflower]

Earlier today I posted about internal pressure.
Alan Gordon talks about his difficulties with lingering pain. He would think psychologically, but pain came. So he tried ignoring it.. still pain. What he realized is the internal pressure, even sneakily subtle seemed to prolong pain periods. The pain left when he truly no longer pressured himself.
There must be a lot of internal pressure for you to keep the peace, to be “on” at all times for customers, to not be in pain, to enjoy your job even while partly disliking it.. and so much more.

 

[Lonewolfbunny]

My desire when these pain cycles return, if they manage to entrap me, is to stay in my room. I don't want to see people, move, engage with life etc. The pull of the bedroom is strong. I found myself crying the other day and telling my sister (who is very wonderful to talk to about this) that I wanted everything to just stop. I also complained like crazy about how much I was "on my feet" and also feeling "too old" for such a physical job. So I know why this sore foot has gone crazy and is spreading around. I did it to myself. I am constantly self sabotaging even from experiencing joy since this is my week off. I wanted to accomplish a lot. I was putting pressure that I would get all my should done in 7 days! Is the answer to relax? Wouldn't that be feeding the symptoms? I think my nervous system needs to come down for sure.

 

[Cactusflower]

My desire when these pain cycles return, if they manage to entrap me, is to stay in my room. I don't want to see people, move, engage with life etc. The pull of the bedroom is strong. I found myself crying the other day and telling my sister (who is very wonderful to talk to about this) that I wanted everything to just stop. I also complained like crazy about how much I was "on my feet" and also feeling "too old" for such a physical job. So I know why this sore foot has gone crazy and is spreading around. I did it to myself. I am constantly self sabotaging even from experiencing joy since this is my week off. I wanted to accomplish a lot. I was putting pressure that I would get all my should done in 7 days! Is the answer to relax? Wouldn't that be feeding the symptoms? I think my nervous system needs to come down for sure.

Re-read what you have written, please.
Do you see the heartbreak in this? I see a few things from this and what you previously posted.
The isolation: so much in this and so tms-y for sure! Your nervous system needs a break from chaos but it is also the self-numbing and avoidance of wanting to feel anything. It tells me you may be a person who avoids feeling emotions. Your first message you talk about always attempting to placate your partner: you like an even keel, but know the world doesn’t really work that way. Why do you need things to be so even, to not feel? This is a great journaling topic.
Self-blame: you did not do this to yourself. This is simply your primitive brain protecting you from feeling all these emotions and feelings it has deemed are dangerous. Generally it’s childhood defenses we created (that worked then) which we still use but they no longer serve us. It confuses the brain and then it tries to protect us. Pain is simply the alarm system that something has not gone to the old plan. The physical pain is a byproduct of the internal pain (stuff we run and hide from).
Planning to get a lot done when you also planned to relax…can you see the conflict? Dr. Sarno speaks of a conflicted mind . Shoulds are pressure, and create a conflict with wants in the subconcious. I found imagining my subconcious as a tantruming 2 year old helpful to feel many emotions. I should wash the dishes vs I “ wash, I wanna watch a movie nowwww!!!! (2 year old): anger (subconcious) guilt (conscious: adult part of us) conflict. These little conflicts can build up to a bucket full of stress just as much as large stressors build. Your job is to poke a hole in the bucket so that it doesn’t have to overflow and create pain. I think your work environment is a combination of big and little stressors, and you haven’t created an outlet. Work came first and only but now that no longer serves you. Small changes can make a huge impact. Start by focusing on you.
Read a book like The Divided Mind by Dr.Sarno there is a patient case of foot pain in it. That is where you start if you have not. Carve out time for it when you are not exhausted, perhaps starting your day a half hour earlier. This is your time for self-discovery and you deserve this time for you.
Next: you can choose to purely follow Sarno’s advice or if you want more guidance, I suggest doing the structured program which is free here:https://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Structured_Educational_Program (Structured Educational Program)
It’s old, not everything like links work well but it is a good program. Break up the days up into two or three day segments if you need to, focus more on the activities like journalling or the “food for thought” than plowing through it. It will take a month or two.
See how things are internally after this.

The SEP can help you determine which tms help skills work for you. You need time to begin a new mindset and get your nervous system in a better place. While working through this you may get more symptoms physically or mentally/emotionally. That’s ok, it’s often part of this inward journey, and will pass.
You already seem to understand that tms is psychological and that is a great start!

 

[Lonewolfbunny]

Thank you so much for taking time to write such a kind and helpful response. I have trouble feeling my emotions. When my partner smashed the dustpan it reminded me of my mom at her worst, and I literally felt terrified but also enraged at the same time. I am a middle aged adult who felt like a child in that moment. I know what is happening, I think I am just tired of it in general you know? But you are right. I am filled with heartbreak. I do put lots of pressure on myself. I feel like a bottle of Pepsi that has been shook up.