Day 3 Just a quick journal.

[lavendertealatte]

It's actually day 4, but right now I'm on day 3. Hope that's okay. The perfectionist in me is like, oh no, I'm a day behind! What is this going to do to my healing? The last couple days I felt pretty good. Even my husband noticed I was doing better. Today though, I woke up with heaviness, and it was difficult getting out of bed. I watched a lot of YouTube and binged on that before I got up. When my husband called me, I felt kind of guilty because he is working really hard and here I was, watching videos. I wanted to stay in bed and curl up. I don't know why. I feel like since I didn't get a full-time job, I'm not good enough.

I didn't read the entire article for the Educational part. It was so long! I wonder if I should go back and read it. I feel like I have educated myself quite a bit in the past, so don't feel the need for education as much as I feel the need to journal.

OK-- now for the activity --
When was the last time you exercised or did another physical activity? What was this activity? How did it make you feel physically and emotionally? If it is has been a while since you last exercised, why?

The last time I exercised was actually on Monday. This was the first day I started doing the program! My husband had wanted to exercise but for some reason didn't. So I said we were going to have our own gym. We did planks together, and I pretend to be our personal trainer. Then we did some crunches. It made me feel good physically and emotionally. I felt like I was a strong and fun person. My husband also had fun doing it. It made me feel like I was more myself again. Spontaneous, encouraging, and brave, willing to try things.
It has been awhile since I've exercised in a regular way. The last time I ran, I pushed myself real hard, and threw up after. I used to run a lot in college, but after that I was so tired and drained that I couldn't get myself to even exercise much. I kept getting hurt or wanting to do something else. I guess it was easier too when I had friends to go with.

TMS LIST
PAST traumatic events and experiences
1. Being made fun of for my flat nose
2. Being told by a parent's friend that I was using my stomach-ache to get attention
3. Getting passed over for communion on accident

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, lavender. I can relate to your TMS list.
I am a Catholic and sometimes have been late going to the altar for Communion and the priest walked away without serving me.
I've had dreams about that since. I guess I thought I was unworthy, but since have decided it was my fault for being late.

I am part Polish and have what some consider to be a big nose, which runs in the family. I ignore it.

It's good that you are exercising. Keep that up. Just keep going each day in the Structured program to discover emotions that cause pain.
One of them is perfectionism, so try to modify that. Don't expect so much of yourself.

And laugh as much and often as you can. It relieves pain, lightens the spirit and makes us just feel better.

 

[lavendertealatte]

Thanks for the reply.
Yes, I was maybe 12 when it happened, and had just gotten baptized, so I was quite excited. Then the lady next to me passed the plate over me to someone else, and I think I may have tried to say something but wasn't really heard, or I couldn't get it out, or I just felt silly and didn't have the words to say. It was an awkward moment, one where I felt that I couldn't defend myself or speak up for myself. I felt embarrassed and silly for thinking I was worthy. I don't know why it hurt me so much, but the lady came to me to apologize after and I cried. I still remember it to this day, which is odd since it happened so long ago. Human memory is quite interesting.

The nose thing is part of my ethnicity as well, kind of. I went to a school where I was the only X among a few others, so I was "different" and got made fun of for my features. I rejected my language for awhile and wouldn't speak to my parents in it. I feel it hurt our relationship as I couldn't really communicate with them thoroughly, so I just didn't, because I figured they wouldn't understand. The nose thing doesn't matter so much anymore, but the awkwardness with my parents still bothers me. They weren't accustomed to comforting me when I was sad growing up, and I really resented that. I felt I didn't want to open to them about anything. My mom later told me in so many words that she realized she wasn't affectionate enough with me.

How do I modify my perfectionism? I'm quite successful in the workplace and academically, and would hate to give that up.

Laughing is great. I do miss my group of friends from when I was young. We would laugh all the time.