I have had an incredible break through as result of journaling. I don't suggest anyone else do it this way though. I can only assume I was ready for it after many years of trying to solve TMS for myself. I had noticed that as I was aging my emotions were starting to "leak" out more. I believed I "knew" myself pretty well and what to watch out for. However, I have never journaled my feelings before. I actually exaggerated my feelings and just wrote. I used words like hate just to see what would come up. Imagine my shock when I listened to Alan Gordon's program yesterday and realized I was on the right track.
I always knew that I was a hypersensitive child and if I didn't know, many people were more than happy to tell me that I was over sensitive. I also always knew that when I moved to another province when I was about 10 that it seemed to me that my life was over. I was so unhappy and angry. However, with journalling and not really thinking what I was journalling, (editing my words) I suddenly realised that things were bad for my mother (who later joined AA) when we moved as well. My father had huge responsibilities. She was expected to be a huge complement to his business. And it was a time when there was a lot of drinking going on everywhere in North America . Liquid lunches, dinners, cocktails, parties. I realized for the first time that my mom had to step up to the plate whether she wanted to or not.
My mom had always blamed my brother and father for everything that happened to me until she went into AA......then she blamed herself. And she took that responsibility on until the day she died. I forgave her because I thought she was a great person and great mom.....Forgiving because someone you love is far different than understanding, though. I didn't remember much of my childhood except a few bad bits here and there. I knew we went on lovely family vacations etc., so that part of my life had to be good. Not once have I through all these years ever thought that my childhood may have been a false memory (and, in my case, no memory denying to myself that my mom was an alcoholic). I understood what my mother must have gone through and cried for her and then I cried for myself because I couldn't share with her that I finally understand because she is gone....The whole process was a little messy but it also felt so good. Today I received the Unlearn Your Pain book which is my next step to my recovery. I was out digging in the garden today....couldn't have done that before. I have great hope going forward and journaling is going to be a big part of my recovery.
I talked to a neighbour the other day who never gets any pain. I already knew that she "Speaks her mind". What I didn't know was that if she was in a position where she felt she shouldn't say anything, she would come home and write down how she felt. This is a pretty strong confirmation to me that I am heading in the right direction.