Journaling thoughts

How do others get connected with jouraling? I feel numb doing it. I find it hard to access any real deep emotions and it sucks! I'm writing and writing, and don't feel like I'm achieving anything. Should I be having a deep emotional feeling when writing? I know I have all sorts of upsetting stuff in me but I feel so bland when I start to write about it.

Last year I thought I was on the right track by using graduated exposure / facing my fears, but it turns out my body had other ideas and heat and pain continued to persist regardless.

 

I focused on my thoughts and wrote those down. Here is a post I wrote about this recently:

When I first discovered I had TMS and started doing the work, I also had a hard time noticing my emotions, including anger. I wasn't aware of feeling anything except the pain and fatigue of my TMS symptoms. I discovered there is a term for this (alexithymia) and that it is common for people who have Complex PTSD.

So what I did instead was to focus on my thoughts. I noticed and wrote down the things there were going through my mind. There is a feedback loop between thoughts and emotions--thoughts can generate emotions and emotions can generate thoughts. I then identified some dysfunctional thinking patterns that I consistently engaged in. Some of mine were a persistent "poor me" pattern. I also noticed the common one for TMSers of catastrophizing. Also I could see that I always thought that I needed to hurry through everything I was doing, or I wouldn't be able to get everything done. This was due to my perfectionism, and it created a lot of stress and tension. So I noticed these things when they came up, and worked to replace them with healthier, more reality-based thoughts by first practicing mindfulness and then consciously replacing the thoughts. The old thinking patterns are habits and they can be changed.

As my thinking became healthier, I became better able to get in touch with my emotions. I wrote them out and gave myself a consistent message that all emotions are fine. That I'm human and entitled to feel the full range of emotions. This took a while because I was taught growing up that emotions are not acceptable. Still, I never identified much anger and certainly not rage. My emotions were more sadness, guilt, and shame. I think this is likely due to having very poor self esteem, where I always thought everything was my fault, so my anger to the extent there was any, was turned inward. There is a theory that depression is anger turned inward and I had a lot of that.

The journey to recovery from TMS is different for all of us. Our minds and our lives are so complex that it just can't be any other way. We can glean tips and techniques from others who have successfully made that journey and try them on, but they will not always fit. There is no one size fits all. But if you keep doing the work and are willing to face everything that comes up with courage and bravery, everyone can experience recovery. Just keep at it.

 

Mando, just keep going.
For some of us, it’s like trying to melt an icecube that’s been frozen for 1,000 years.

 

Mando, there are people who recover without journaling. I think we can fall into this trap where we make journaling this rigid obsessive routine type thing, and put pressure on ourselves to do it perfectly. I’ve tried Nicole Sachs journal speak twice now and have accepted it’s not for me. I keep a notebook close by and jot down revelations or ruminating thoughts of the day or highlights or good moments as evidence, but I know now I don’t need such a strict journaling routine to recover. Your brain and thoughts and mind are where the sensations are fueled, and that’s where they’ll be extinguished, you can accomplish this without journaling. But you absolutely have to find some way to address the thoughts and behavior patterns that fuel them, writing is just a fairly reliable path to going about this, but not the only path.

I’ll say, like anything else, journaling is a skill so it takes time to get ‘good’ and see results, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessary to stick with it.

I really like Dan Buglio’s approach and am starting to incorporate Helmut and Sam’s methods (YouTube channel is the mindful Gardner)

there’s no one path to this stuff, and anyone who tells you it’s their way or youre doomed to pain your whole life is relying on fear to sell you something.

 

Symptoms are the worst metric. Part of their reason to exist is exactly to undermine hope and send us back to the "safety" of not exposure. And the TMS journey is usually long. Cactus' analogy was on point.

As for the journaling, I'd say to keep writing without expectations. It's a good brain exercise.

 

Co-incidence ? Assigned number at my fave eatery which requires a 3-4 flight climb to the roof top ... smack in the middle of big flare up!

 

I started with Nicole Sachs whose main form of treatment is expressive journaling. I journaled 2500 pages over a 3 year time time. Most of what comes out is fluff and that's normal. There is research showing how it improves your immune system but that being said I made no progress in my symptoms for nearly 2 years. Many people recover without it.

 

Hi @Mando!

Two things:

Journaling takes patience for TMSers. (We don’t like feelings!) If you stick with it, you’ll start letting your feelings out, little by little.

You don’t have to journal, but ultimately you will need to do some deep exploring of your life. People who get better without that often have their TMS return until they get down to what’s what.

Have you checked out the Structured Educational Program? It might help.

 

That's what keeps happening. Safety and avoidance is the only thing that reduces the pain for me still. At least I now know why this is not a long term solution.

 

That's interesting. Thanks for sharing. It sounds like consistency with journaling is the core ingredient. Do results come through shifting emotional pain or consistently reinforcing safety to your nervous system? I'm guessing both. I'm always looking for an emotional shift but this may be the wrong approach.

 

Thanks Diane, I'm currently working my way through the SEP after working through Nicole Sachs's book, Mind Your Body. I must say that it's a great book with so many helpful insights.

I wrote the first post in this thread as I am/was frustrated with myself. I believe in the process and was just disappointed it's so damn hard to make progress. It's obvious that TMS is the issue but I can't seem to let go of the habits of a life time.

 

"It's obvious that TMS is the issue but I can't seem to let go of the habits of a life time"
right now....

Slowly but surely you will. Give it time. Over time you will become a little less frustrated, especially when you have a slight increase in symptoms and then notice the decrease again. I found this was a time I could really notice the positive changes I had made. I get less frustrated, and see all the progress I made as I can overcome things more quickly than ever before.
You notice how your brain is falling back, but also how much it's learned. You notice that eventually your mood doesn't go back to those dark places when things are a little more difficult because you know what is happening, and have lots of ways to get your mojo back.

 

I dont know how the results came for me. My pain lowered at a snails pace over the course of years and I was doing a bunch of stuff.

 

But you kept showing up and doing the work. That's another good lesson for the rest of us.

 

I think so. Safety messages, exposition and new activities in order to create new neuropathways. And emotional work, TMS knowledge, somatic awareness and meditation to deactivate the compromised ones.