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Journaling - Conflicted and Angry/Frustrated about fam situation

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Freedom, Jun 21, 2017.

  1. Freedom

    Freedom Peer Supporter

    So my sister is getting married on Friday, out of the country. I am taking summer classes in grad school as my parents spend every call asking "when are you going to be done with your masters, when will you be married"

    We had discussed it's ok if I don't go to the wedding as I have many deadlines at this time, and was in the process of getting an internship (which I now have) when decisions were being made. They said that one of my other sisters was not going to make it either as she had residency. Then every few weeks they go back and forth and say "how about you go" and then back to "no its ok."

    Today, two days before when it had already been decided it was not possible for me to go, they say my other sister who was not going to go decided to go (maybe she felt guilty and is going, I dont know. Coincidentally she is the only other family member who has had severe TMS). So now they told me to talk to her.

    I feel very yanked around by this as they should have made up their mind and stuck with it. I can only imagine others around them are asking and pressuring them "why is he not going" as when I spoke to someone about this weeks back, literally a day later my parents changed their mind again.

    I feel conflicted because on the one hand I don't want to miss this, but also i'm being pressured to do all these other things which are ALREADY IN MOTION and will go off the tracks if I just stop what I'm doing midway. It will have a bad and permanent impact on my future.

    It's already impossible for me to go at this point so I don't know what they are getting at.

    I am also apprehensive about seeing any of them in the near future (visiting on holiday) as I can just see this point coming up again and again and again. This is how I felt growing up as I felt like I was on my own and no one really understood my position and just wanted me to do what would make them happy(particularly their ego) and would make them look the best. I guess this is not uncommon, but that doesn't make it any more upsetting to feel disconnected from your own family on this level. It's weird to think your own family doesn't know what your real dreams and desires are out of life. I feel some combination of guilt, anger, and fear.
  2. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi. No wonder you feel guilty, angry, and fearful. Your sister's wedding out of the country and your parents laying guilt on you in addition to your own... all that is bound to give you pains. You have legitimate reasons for not going to the wedding. Resign yourself to that. Don't worry about how this will affect your future. Live for yourself, not to please anyone including your parents. I never married and am a happy bachelor at 87 years old. Friends and dogs filled my life.
    I took one day and dog at a time and am living happily ever after. I suggest you live in the present moment and not think about the past or the future. The past is past, and the future is whatever it will be, if you don't worry about tomorrow.
    Freedom likes this.
  3. Alice

    Alice New Member

    That's a hard one. My parents don't usually pressure me to GO to things (I've missed every single one of my grandparents' funerals and my only cousin's wedding), but are good at pressuring me to do other things. Like, my entire career is because my father pushed me into it. So I feel what you're going through!

    The wedding is Friday, which is pretty soon. Could you avoid talking to them completely until the wedding, so the decision will be done? When my parents are driving me crazy (often), I have gotten good at not picking up the phone to protect myself.
  4. Freedom

    Freedom Peer Supporter

    Somewhat, but they want me to send a greetings/wedding wishes video that they're gonna use so I have to have some communication. I'm more concerned about seeing them in the future (after the wedding). I was/am also conflicted about the situation. It's nice though to voice this and to hear back from others on it, so thank you for that.

    How can you know when you are in the right or wrong? How do you know when someone is emotionally manipulating you (e.g. guilting you).
    I've felt many times growing up that my parents would rather I live up to their image rather than me actually being happy. Ultimately I feel robbed and emotionally imprisoned (hence my username choice being Freedom). Anyone that loves you should be able to put aside what they want you to be if they know thats not what you want for yourself.
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2017
  5. npoise

    npoise New Member

    I share your frustrations, my parents like to make me do this and that since young, including course to study. As a good child, we are trying hard to live up to their expectations but our inner self is likely a "rebel". Therefore, in the past 9 years, I have been distancing myself from them, minimizing contact including phone call once a month and meeting up during festive seasons. (Though I feel guilty about this)

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