Jogging

Hi,

Just wanted to share something nice. I have been doing bad stuff lately because im depressed about this fatigue, anxiety and pain thats been bugging me for 9 years now. I game with friends in the evening and they talk about their work, they are all very succesful while im sitting at home throwing my life away. And the worst part i want to make something of myself but all these TMS symptoms make it very difficult.

So i have been behind my pc alot which scares me and gives me alot of pain and fatigue. So i sleep a lot. I didn´t jog for 3 weeks already because whenever i resume activity i get more pain and fatigue and i get scared to jog because i get panic attacks and heart palps.

But today i am at my worst and i walked with my dog and had my training pants on by accident. And i thought i just know this is TMS i have to go allin on it and i started running. It didnt went great and my brain is so fogged right now but i did it and i didnt get a panic attack so i am very happy atm. Just wanted to share something good.

The thing is that i thought i went full on the TMS road a couple of times but i never really did fully because i did resume activity in PC work with believe in TMS but i didnt workout anymore because my symptoms always got so bad that i got scared to workout. So did i then fully believe in TMS?

I think symptoms getting worse when resuming activity, because they got almost unbearable worse, is what always started doubt again. I really want to hold on this time. I will also look for work again although i felt i couldnt because of my state. I thought how can i look for a job when i am like this, its not fair to my work provider.

This is kind of a weird thread maybe, atleast its sortof journaling for myself. The road is slow for me since i have been here for like 4 years already but i just can´t give up. I will try to keep this posted maybe other people that have a hard time recovering might think this would be useful. We just shouldn´t give up. Because, atleast for me, things didn´t go much better after. Now i have hope and having no hope is the worst thing in the world.


For me i really started to notice how obsessed i really am. Maybe resulting in a very slow-stagnant recovery. I check my house before i go to bed like 3 times in every room. I wash my hands like 100 or more times a day. If i touch something i have to wash my hands before touching my mouse and keyboard. Otherwise my brain will really start to error. When i talk with my mom in the kitchen she often tells me to stop washing my hands all the time. For example last time i washed it 4 times in like 5 minutes without me noticing. She had to tell me i did it. So maybe these things show how obsessed i am with this pain stuff as well. Every new symptom takes me a year to get a little more peace with believing it might be TMS. And even after i will still start to doubt it again. Not to forget alcohol abuse from age of 18, gaming, gambling and medicine.

My point is, some book recoveries might be people who are less obsessed and have more faith in the book. I am extremely obsessed and have to ananlyze it all before i can believe stuff. Maybe thats why the recovery is still a bit absent. One big thing was getting an MRI for me, i just couldn´t stop thinking about having an MRI done, it interfered with my TMS believe. Nowe i finally got it after 4 years and now i am like, maybe it´s something else, maybe the MRI wasnt good, maybe the doctor checking the MRI missed something?

STOP! How can you ever recover when thinking like this.