My muscles in my back are so tight and painful from stress and repressed emotion that I can't fall or stay asleep (both from pain and difficulty breathing) and it's causing me to have panic attacks that I'm never going to sleep again, and somehow this will cause me to die. I'm so sleep deprived that my mind is having difficulty making good decisions and forming rational thoughts. Logic and emotion are at war. I know I won't die from this, but I'm scared that I will anyway. My life is entirely dedicated to fixing this problem right now and it's not fixed. I'm terrified that I'm just not strong enough, not smart enough, not dedicated enough, not good enough to figure this out, that it's beyond me. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. It's wearing me down emotionally. I feel like I'm fighting for my life. I want to express my emotions, since that seems to help, but I'm just exhausted from crying all the time. When shit gets super bad for you guys, and you don't think you can do it anymore...what do you turn to? What helps you stay gritty and hopeful and keep trying. Just cause today I could use some help with that one. I know transcendentalism is supposed to be correlated with higher levels of grittiness. Be that worship, being one with nature, one with humanity, one with the universe. Maybe I'm trying to feel a little of that oneness with this group right now, because man, today really sucks. PS. I am working with several healthcare professionals (orthopedic surgeon, physical therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, and acupuncturist) to address these problems. I am trying anything and everything, and according to most of them I'm doing all the right things. I meditate several times a day, I practice yoga 4-5 times per week, I eat reasonably healthy, take vitamins, I'm not working right now but have a new job lined up in a month, I journal through my emotions daily, and I still find time to worship Cthulu as my lord and savior.