1. Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this link: http://go.tmswiki.org/newprogram
    Dismiss Notice

it's no fun to be angry

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Time2be, Feb 14, 2018.

  1. Time2be

    Time2be Well known member

    Maybe others also have experienced this: being pain free and having a lots of emotions that are not so nice. Since a month or so I am pain free - wonderful!! And I am also feeling fine - sometimes. But I also am frustrated, angry and resentful - it's no fun to feel like this. Especially for someone like me who always saw the 'bright sight' of everything. Don't get me wrong, I think this is a good development. Now I react to reality and reality can be harsh. And will be able to handle it. I understand now how pain replaced these emotions that are difficult for me. It is a bit like: oh, that's how life feels, ups and downs ...
    Durga, Ellen, Lainey and 1 other person like this.
  2. colls100

    colls100 Well known member

    The time I remember being most symptom-free was when I was in an abusive and very passionate relationship - I'm talking huge screaming arguments almost weekly and crying myself to sleep often. Of course there were mind blowing highs and wonderful times too, which is typical of these types of relationship. It used to confuse me - surely that's when I would have had the most symptoms? But then I realised that even though it was a difficult time - I felt EVERYTHING. I expressed EVERYTHING. I was always sad, angry, jealous, bitter, scared, or so happy at other times. But I was always feeling everything. I sometimes think that my TMS couldn't even compete with the emotions I was feeling at the time.

    Worth mentioning, many an argument ended up with me developing a headache of some sort. But day to day I wasn't feeling the symptoms nearly as much as I am now.

    Whenever I feel something these days it's quickly over shadowed by my symptoms or perhaps I don't notice it at all because I'm to worried about symptoms.

    TMS really is a distraction.

    Not a solution to your issue. But an observation :)
    Ellen, Lainey and plum like this.
  3. Time2be

    Time2be Well known member

    Hi Colls100! yes, exactly, worrying about the symptoms distract from the bad feelings! That's exactly my point. And when the feelings are felt, it's not really nice. But it is life. And of course, this is also a challenge or invitation to make the necessary changes to make one's life better.
    The relationship you describe seems to be full of emotions! It seems to me that you preferred being in a relationship with lots of emotions rather than being in none. The trick though is to learn to be in a healthy relationship, something I am looking forward to! Hope you are doing well - also relationship wise ..
    karinabrown, Lainey and plum like this.
  4. karinabrown

    karinabrown Well known member

    Hi time2be,

    you really make me think ..
    I am more the opposit. Never only saw ‘the bright sight’ also saw the negative
    And i am a person who always been pretty open about how i am feeling (i mean to people near me not all ) so when it came to being scared, or upset whatever i useally told them. But i noticed somehow at some point i stopped doing that because some of them always replied with : Well don’t be so angry/ sad / you should lighten up’ etc etc. It was so much easier to just say i was fine. Now i am wondering if somehow this made me believe that my feelings where wrong, not good ‘So hidden from them also suddenly got hidden from me.Maybe started believing my own replies.

    you are right its not always fun to feel negative stuff too besides the good feelings. But its more natural isn’t it ?
  5. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    What a juicy discussion.

    @Time2be I totally relate to what you speak of. I've experienced such dark emotions when pain free that I understand why the brain tries so hard to repress them. The pain is almost more desirable! It's a remarkable insight and mercifully something that does settle and integrate the more we gently work on ourselves.

    @colls100 Ah, the sweet nostalgia of the fire and ice relationship. Passionate for sure and I love your insights. They speak of freedom and wild times. Thanks for sharing your observation.

    @karinabrown you are a lovely introvert. I relate to the beauty of sadness and melancholy. While I have always been quite happy-go-lucky I do love the darker emotions...they seem more interesting. Nothing wrong with that I don't think but nice to treasure the sunny side too.

    Plum x
    Durga, Ellen, Lily Rose and 1 other person like this.
  6. colls100

    colls100 Well known member

    Sounds that way doesn't it.. I don't think I prefer it. I'm in a very healthy relationship now, with somebody gentle and kind and caring. He is Buddhist and very supportive of this journey I am on right now. He is a wonderful man and I love him.

    I feel like maybe I have two sides to me. The sensitive, vulnerable, and maybe maternal side of me appreciates and adores what we have. The environment he creates allows the softer side of me to really take over. But on the flip side the other part of me misses the fiery passionate overwhelming love, the breaking up and making up. I can't help feeling I was stronger then. Now I suspect I was just very well distracted from the deepest emotions I need to feel by some superficial ones. Maybe the whole thing was just another form of TMS.

    Today is the day he proposed to me. We were engaged for a while before it all exploded one last time and I just couldn't take the emotional rollercoaster anymore. I feel the nostalgia plum speaks of when I think of him.

    Funnily enough, he was a psychotherapist ...!

    I am finding out who I really am for the first time .. it's a bumpy road
    Time2be, Ellen, plum and 1 other person like this.
  7. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    This is one aspect of my healing that I rarely talk about. It took me a long, long time to recognise and then understand my addiction to harmful/abusive relationships. These days I am free from it all but it took me quite a time to untangle the knots of abuse (I was 14/15 at the time) and how it lead to utterly unconsconcious patterns driving me for over 2 decades.

    The beauty and surety of a healthy relationship is the most valuable touchstone and resource in my life. It is the healing element and the source of all goodness.

    These two resources helped me a lot:


    And Pete Walker's identification of the fawn response (in addition to fight-flight-freeze). This link explains the 4 types and possible hybrids. There is a page on the site featuring the fawn response and co-dependency which is worth reading. His whole site is an amazing resource, not the least because of his naming and understanding of Chronic PTSD. The man is a gem.

    http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm (Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy)

    As I say, it took me ages to really comprehend how much these factors were at play for me. Such was my denial.

    Plum x
    Durga and karinabrown like this.
  8. karinabrown

    karinabrown Well known member

    Hi plum,

    You made my laugh out loud. I am absolutely no introvert. That’s the thing: when i honestly say how i feel than its hard for people around me. Not the good feelings of course. But for instance my mother gets very nervous. She does not want to know. I learned best to just keep it to myself. The opposit is hard for me too : when they say ‘they feel good’ and its obvious to me they are are sad or whatever. (Asuming i am right about that .. ) then i feel like i am playing a game. Talking about the weather etc. That’s hard!
    Many times felt as an extrovert i am forced to be an introvert.
    I felt many times that feelings as anger. Sadness etc are pretty scarry to people.

    Even when i was on my medical search and the pain was crazy : Remember one doctor very carefully asking me if i was maybe ‘a little depressed because of the pain’ and me answering ‘Ofcourse i am that’s obvious !! If i was’t now : i would be a really strange person ‘ : that man was very surprised and confused.

    You are right about the melancholy, its very much me. Also right about treasuring the sunny side, needs attention too!

    To stay on the topic : pain gone and then hard feelings : i can agree that’s very diffucult too and proof why it happened to start with maybe ?
    Its almost the question : what’s worse : psysical pain or painfull feelings ?
    Lily Rose and plum like this.
  9. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    :) I love your bubbly nature.

    Interesting how you say you are an extrovert forced to be an introvert. The learned part is fascinating. My hubby is/was naturally an extrovert. He's a performer, a joker and a really chatty person but since he fell ill, he has become more typically introvert in his need to rest his brain. That makes sense; a sensitized nervous system would need rest from all kinds of noise.

    The division between extroversion and introversion actually applies to how the brain replenishes itself. If quietness and solitude build our energy we are introverts whereas if company and talking and such boost your batteries you are an extrovert. Sociability clearly is a huge factor in this.

    I think it is proof but very weird to experience. I'm not sure which I prefer. Neither really :rolleyes:
    karinabrown likes this.
  10. karinabrown

    karinabrown Well known member

    Hi plum,

    Well than i am devided in two : energy from people and talking , but also enjoy the quiet time alone and walking in nature with my dog. But maybe in
    a way we all are a bit of both?

    Not wanting psysical and not wanting painfull feelings i can totally agree on.
    But its part of life. Yin and yang

    Also these days sadness etc are not populair feelings. Just saw a tv program where a shrink explained this to be the dissease of the moment : the pressure to be happy, fullfilled, content all time. ‘May your life one day be as assome as you claim it is on Facebook’
    He explained that at the the same time burn-out and depression numbers are higher than ever. One half of the country is councelling the other half.
    So our ability to accept that life comes with pain (feelings) is just not really high. And i am no acception to that.
    plum likes this.
  11. karinabrown

    karinabrown Well known member

    Plum: makes me wonder by the way if you considder yourself extrovert or introvert?
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2018
  12. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    I'm inclined to say introvert but I've been thinking about your post above while swimming and I'm now considering the possibility that this tendency may be fluid. I don't know why I assumed it was one or other, maybe we do have a natural tendency, but equally maybe this too is changeable depending upon what is happening in our life?

    I think you may be absolutely right in saying we are a bit of both. I like that :)
    karinabrown likes this.
  13. karinabrown

    karinabrown Well known member


    I like that : that its changeble depending on what’s going on in our lives. Think its also different with certain people. I never feel the urge to really open up to people who are not just not interested in going a little ‘deeper’
    No wonder i feel connection here on this wiki : filled with thinkers
    like you. I see a tms trait there in many here : philosophers
    plum likes this.
  14. Ryan

    Ryan Well known member

    I like this conversation. Anger is a great natural God given emotion, when it goes haywire is when it leads to resentment and bitterness. To much thinking can cause us to be angry instead of joyful. Life is full of ups and downs, it's all in how you react. Don't remember who quoted this but this thread made me think of and it has helped me a lot: "emotions are great servants but terrible masters"

    Ellen likes this.
  15. Lainey

    Lainey Well known member

    Interesting discussion in introvert/extrovert tendencies.
    I am 'qualified' by the standard tests I have endured, as an introvert, so introverted that only 7% or so of the population is as introverted as I. Was I born this way, or did my early life create this 'classification.?"
    Well, I grew up as the youngest in a large, age diversified, family. Many years between me and the oldest (24). I learned early on that to get attention I needed to perform, and try to be the center of attention as much as possible, plus be charming. I did not always succeed, but my need for their attention was great and I did what I could as a small child to be noticed. I tried hard to be like 'them'. That is another long story, but, I do know that I nevertheless believe I am an introvert in that I am DRAINED by large crowds in addition to being somewhat fearful when in a large crowd. (was this learned or innate behavior??) I have found that the only way for me to reboot is to withdraw to my own sanctuary, whether it is home or in nature, to try and calm my body and my mind.
    I think that karinabrown has it right, in that introversion/extroversion is changeable depending on what is going on in our lives. Probably most people who know me socially would not consider me an introvert, but introversion does not = shyness or withdrawing. Were my early life experiences the key to determining my own future vis a vis introvert/extrovert, or was I born this way? Psychologists would mostly argue this is an inborn trait. Hmmm.
    Ellen likes this.
  16. MindBodyPT

    MindBodyPT Beloved Grand Eagle

    I like the discussion going on here! I've thought about this a lot too...I think it helps to see introversion/extroversion as a continuum instead of a binary, like most personality traits. I feel like some amount of where you fall on the scale is determined by inborn traits and genetics but a lot is really changeable over your lifetime as your brain is so plastic and shaped by experience, both can be true. Things are hardly ever as binary or set in stone as a personality test would have you think! I consider myself more towards the "extrovert" side of the scale but not as much as some people...I definitely draw energy from being around others but need my quiet and alone time too.
  17. Lainey

    Lainey Well known member

    My profession seemingly would require some extroversion, but I did not draw my energy from the work. I needed down time each day. (I worked as a psychotherapist). Yet, I loved interacting with my clients and our time together.
    BTW, love the pic on your screen. Looks so bucolic.
    MindBodyPT likes this.
  18. karinabrown

    karinabrown Well known member

    Hi Lainey and BodyM,

    interesting it is !

    Also i thought about what the definition of extrovert and introvert is to me. Cause that’s a ‘thing’ we can have different thoughts about that.
    To me reacting on the topic was more towards ‘ being open about your feelings to others , expressing them because you feel the need to do that. Not so much about a person who needs being around people and crowds. I like talking to a friend and talk about feelings we both have and why etc (maybe also a female ‘thing’ but : this is with certain people. But i like to express my feelings.
    My husband who is a very social person, fun optimist , supportive to me and , and has a social job etc. just like to talk about externall stuff’ (as i call it) with friends, when it comes to diffucult feelings he has himself he is
    not easy to express them.
    He also says he is an introvert.

    @Lainey : Interesting you had clients too talking about themselfs. So around a lot of people but not seeing yourself as extrovert.
    @MindBodyPT : maybe we all need that : Time alone to reboot
  19. Lainey

    Lainey Well known member

    Hi Karina, et al
    Introversion, in the definition I use, does not mean being shy, or withdrawing, or holding back emotions. Like you, I too am open about feelings and am expressive when I need to say what needs saying to friends or others. Being around people is not difficult or does not pose an awkward situation to manage, but I need to have ample time to be with myself each day. Rejuvenating and reprocessing is absolutely necessary for my wellbeing. I have a close friend who thrives on being with others, as opposed to needing to be alone with herself for rejuvenation. She considers herself an extrovert.
    This is a fun conversation. Food for thought.
    karinabrown likes this.
  20. Time2be

    Time2be Well known member

    Hi Colls100, wow, he proposed!! Wonderful! It sounds like you are having met someone special and that you two will be able to create a good life together, congrats! Some time ago I started to reconsider my preferences. I was always connected to men who were successful, competitive, manipulative and narcissist. Absolutely not good, I can say. So, now I am looking for honesty and for a more caring personality.

    to the other on extrovert or introvert: maybe one can be a learned extrovert or introvert. In private matters I can be very shy and introvert, but not in my job. Here I feel safe. So, maybe I am a natural introvert, but a learned extrovert. And I need to be alone to rejuvenate - a lot! I have the feeling that sometimes when we are talking about introverts we mixing them up with people who have difficulties with keeping boundaries. E.g. I need distance from people if I feel they are becoming overwhelming. This has to do with my mother who didn't tolerate any boundary I drew (and still does not). Not being drawn into a symbiotic relationship is for me a strong motivation of keeping the distance.
    karinabrown likes this.

Share This Page