I'm working on day 8 and wanted to give a progress report. I've definitely had ups and downs. I've been trying to ensure I get as much sleep as possible and trying to think psychological instead of physical. Towards that end, I decided Tues to walk on the treadmill again after being off of it for a few months. At the end, I jogged for about one minute, just to test my stamina. Although my back and legs have been feeling fine, I awoke the next day w/ a sore right big toe. I injured it a couple of years ago and it flares up from time to time so didn't seem like a big deal, just dumb of me for not wearing comfy shoes for this activity. However, yesterday morning (Thanksgiving Day) I awoke in the early morning hours to feel my left ankle begin to hurt. The pain continued to group hour by hour and I started to get scared. Funny thing is it actually felt better getting up an walking around. I went through the entire day--cooking dinner, cleaning up, etc., and things seemed to be ok. However, when I laid down to go to sleep, it started to flared up again! Rationally I know it's just a strain or mild sprain and will get better over the next couple of days but the old anxiety keeps wanting to rear its head, threatening to derail any progress I've made in accepting the TMS diagnosis. I immediately want to go down the path of negative thinking, telling myself that there's all these things wrong with me and that I'll never get better. I'm just deluding myself thinking I can overcome this with education and tapping into my repressed emotions.
Today's a better day. I'm back reading success stories and watching videos, even listened to one of the call in discussions to help gain some more insight. All these resources are exceptional and I keep learning more each day, making notes about how to explore the past and get the most out of the program.
One thing I realized this morning is that my longing to put this behind me and return to my "normal" life shouldn't be the goal. I want to move on to something even better than that: an existence that's more than just engaging in distractions like TV and the computer but a life that stimulates all my senses, getting more out of my short time here. I've come to realize how very disconnected I am from the world and other people. I've often said or thought that I just don't like people. Why would anyone want to be around me anyhow, after all I'm not very interesting anyway, right? I've realizing that that thinking is just a wall I've built around me to protect myself, a substitute for the protection I feel my parents should have given me. I'm anger at them leaving me to fend for myself emotionally, never taking my side or trying to understand why I was so isolated and unhappy. I think that's the real source of all this. I have more to feel and understand myself.
I'm grateful to this community and appreciate the work everyone is doing out there. Let's all keep it up.
Today's a better day. I'm back reading success stories and watching videos, even listened to one of the call in discussions to help gain some more insight. All these resources are exceptional and I keep learning more each day, making notes about how to explore the past and get the most out of the program.
One thing I realized this morning is that my longing to put this behind me and return to my "normal" life shouldn't be the goal. I want to move on to something even better than that: an existence that's more than just engaging in distractions like TV and the computer but a life that stimulates all my senses, getting more out of my short time here. I've come to realize how very disconnected I am from the world and other people. I've often said or thought that I just don't like people. Why would anyone want to be around me anyhow, after all I'm not very interesting anyway, right? I've realizing that that thinking is just a wall I've built around me to protect myself, a substitute for the protection I feel my parents should have given me. I'm anger at them leaving me to fend for myself emotionally, never taking my side or trying to understand why I was so isolated and unhappy. I think that's the real source of all this. I have more to feel and understand myself.
I'm grateful to this community and appreciate the work everyone is doing out there. Let's all keep it up.
