Today I want to focus on fear. Yesterday, I had a tiny cramp in my right calf, to the right side. Then the muscles were tight after that. And the tightness kept lasting. And I got worried about blood clots. Then, I started googling. I don't know how I got there, because I've been so good about not googling symptoms for such a long time. I meant it to be a comfort - to remind myself I don't fit the symptoms. But it ended up being a way to try and fit myself into the symptoms. I never actually had much pain. While sitting, I would get the mild discomfort/tightness sometimes - sort of like that pre-cramp feeling that I get, like any wrong move is going to lead to a big muscle cramp. But when we went for a walk (actually a decently long one, to the south 7-11), it didn't hurt at all. I didn't even have the tightness. But it came back when I sat a bunch. Also, at no time was there any swelling or redness or heat or cold that was reasonably different than my left leg. Before bed I starting looking for leg cramping on the TMS forum. Sure enough, lots of people get body cramps as TMS symptoms. Jodi reminded me of this when we skyped too. But even so, when I went to bed, I was having that mild tightness feeling again and just got so paranoid and scared that I got up an called my mom. We talked it through. She talked me down a little bit. I still wasn't totally convinced, but I was convinced enough to be able to go to bed. And surprise! I woke up this morning. And without any pain or tightness in my leg at all. I think I may be imagining the tiniest bit now, as I've been doing some TMS work this morning. But if the pain yesterday (there was very little) was signaling me about a blot clot, then it should have gotten worse or at least stayed the same. So then this morning I searched for 'hypochondria' in the forums. And I came across one of the "ask a TMS doctor" posts. And he was talking about how hypochondria is absolutely another manifestation of TMS, because the whole point is fear. People get pain because the subconcious is trying to scare you. Thats why anxiety is another manifestation. Its all about fear. And Hypochondria for me is the absolute biggest distracter. Because I am so scared of dying. I want to be here for a long time. I want to have time to have a whole life. The pup had her birthday and its been freaking me out a little because its led me to think about mortality a lot. I want to know that I have time. Maybe thats part of the ongoing rage about work (Mom pointed out last night that I seem to have a lot of these episodes on Sunday/Sunday night). That I'm constantly away from the people that I want to be near, and its because of my job, and its more time that I'm wasting not being near my loved ones.