Coffeeplease
Peer Supporter
I'm writing this to help continue my healing process from TMS. I am in the midst of a flare of new pain which started in September of this year.
It's difficult for me to share all of this, and I'll be honest, a part of me feels that there are so many others who are suffering far greater than I, so who am I to reach out and tell my story? I should be just sucking it up and dealing with it, but I know that is what got me here in the first place. I can't say how grateful I am to have found Steve O's book, and on my wish list is to read Sarno's books, Tolle, and Claire Weeks. This forum has opened so much for me.
My father was physically and verbally abusive growing up. My mother, sister, and I all lived in fear. Mom and Dad were both alcoholics, starting off with being "fun" drunks, happy, having a great time...then morphing later in the evening to fighting. Usually Dad would beat the hell out of my mom first, then come after me with his belt, fist, wastepaper basket, open hand slaps, choking, kicking, it really just depended on what was close by. I don't think he remembered a lot of what happened because of the alcohol. My mother was very distant and self absorbed, no motherly love or comfort given to myself or my sister, ever. I was never allowed to cry out loud, because if I did he would come back and, "really give me something to cry about." Usually later, he would come to my room and apologize and then give me food as comfort. This started a very unhealthy relationship with food, where it became a coping mechanism for my sadness and pain.
I remember sensing when things would get tense with my Dad, and I would try to diffuse him if possible. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't.
Fast forward to my latest husband (3rd). As I examine my past, I realize that I've tried to mold myself into being the "perfect wife", becoming what I thought my spouse(s) needed to be happy, and avoiding fights/confrontation at all costs. What I really have always wanted and needed was the love and acceptance of my father. And to feel like there wasn't something fundamentally wrong and unlovable about me.
My current husband and I are separated, he is a military veteran with severe PTSD. I thought I could fill the gap/void and make him feel safe, fix his trauma, by creating as perfect a home and life I could for both of us. What I didn't realize was that his issues were far deeper than I imagined, and while my gut always told me something was "off", I didn't listen. In September of this year, I left him and came back to my hometown. What prompted my departure was when I found out my husband had purchased a $1900 wedding ring for another woman in July. The next week we had put our beloved cat down. We also found out my husband's biological father (deceased) was a serial killer (no lie), and husband fired from his job and had to file for bankruptcy.
I'm now living in a safe place with my best friends' parents and they are wonderful. About 3 weeks after I left, my Uncle died and not even 30 minutes later I get the call that my husband attempted suicide, and my brother in law going into hospice after battling 3 years of cancer. After my Uncle's funeral, I began to have severe lower back pain, swelling in my foot, and a rash burst out all over my back, torso, legs, feet, and arms. I go to the ER, diagnosed with sciatica and arthritis, placed on 40 mg of Prednisone for the rash (eczema, psoriasis?). Now prior to this I was walking 3 miles every day, virtually clear skin and very healthy. So I go ahead and take the Prednisone and both my legs swell with Edema. Back to ER because I could barely walk...all blood tests normal, no arthritis, diagnosed with psoriasis, possible psoriatic arthritis.
All this time I had been unemployed and searching for a job. Husband recovers from suicide attempt but I had no money, and only the belongings I could put in my car when I left that day.
I now have a great job, and I found Steve O's book. I interviewed for this job prior to the ER visit, and thankfully my boss was very understanding of me hobbling around the office with a cane/walker. I'm slowly healing and now walking without any assistance, however my leg muscles remain a bit frozen, and it's difficult to bend my knees. The skin rash is about the same. I've been journaling, using affirmations, being patient. I totally accept my TMS. I've journaled a lot of rage towards my husband, my mother, my dad....and at times I feel so sad and alone. I allow those feelings to come and sit with them for a bit. I'm doing better at allowing myself to feel and then let it go.
The last two nights I've had dreams about my husband, and it makes me feel sad and nostalgic. I can't go back to him, I know that. But I miss my "home" that I created, and the good memories we shared. In a way he was my best friend, but also isolated me. Our marriage was one of tremendous highs and horrible lows. I realize now it was not a good match with two people who have a ton of emotional issues and trauma. I guess I just need reassurance that the dreams are my unconscious bringing these emotions to the surface for me to process them? I probably answered my own question...ha ha. After struggling with so many sleepless pain filled nights, it's frustrating to have emotional dreams when I am now finally beginning to rest more.
Thank you for listening
It's difficult for me to share all of this, and I'll be honest, a part of me feels that there are so many others who are suffering far greater than I, so who am I to reach out and tell my story? I should be just sucking it up and dealing with it, but I know that is what got me here in the first place. I can't say how grateful I am to have found Steve O's book, and on my wish list is to read Sarno's books, Tolle, and Claire Weeks. This forum has opened so much for me.
My father was physically and verbally abusive growing up. My mother, sister, and I all lived in fear. Mom and Dad were both alcoholics, starting off with being "fun" drunks, happy, having a great time...then morphing later in the evening to fighting. Usually Dad would beat the hell out of my mom first, then come after me with his belt, fist, wastepaper basket, open hand slaps, choking, kicking, it really just depended on what was close by. I don't think he remembered a lot of what happened because of the alcohol. My mother was very distant and self absorbed, no motherly love or comfort given to myself or my sister, ever. I was never allowed to cry out loud, because if I did he would come back and, "really give me something to cry about." Usually later, he would come to my room and apologize and then give me food as comfort. This started a very unhealthy relationship with food, where it became a coping mechanism for my sadness and pain.
I remember sensing when things would get tense with my Dad, and I would try to diffuse him if possible. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't.
Fast forward to my latest husband (3rd). As I examine my past, I realize that I've tried to mold myself into being the "perfect wife", becoming what I thought my spouse(s) needed to be happy, and avoiding fights/confrontation at all costs. What I really have always wanted and needed was the love and acceptance of my father. And to feel like there wasn't something fundamentally wrong and unlovable about me.
My current husband and I are separated, he is a military veteran with severe PTSD. I thought I could fill the gap/void and make him feel safe, fix his trauma, by creating as perfect a home and life I could for both of us. What I didn't realize was that his issues were far deeper than I imagined, and while my gut always told me something was "off", I didn't listen. In September of this year, I left him and came back to my hometown. What prompted my departure was when I found out my husband had purchased a $1900 wedding ring for another woman in July. The next week we had put our beloved cat down. We also found out my husband's biological father (deceased) was a serial killer (no lie), and husband fired from his job and had to file for bankruptcy.
I'm now living in a safe place with my best friends' parents and they are wonderful. About 3 weeks after I left, my Uncle died and not even 30 minutes later I get the call that my husband attempted suicide, and my brother in law going into hospice after battling 3 years of cancer. After my Uncle's funeral, I began to have severe lower back pain, swelling in my foot, and a rash burst out all over my back, torso, legs, feet, and arms. I go to the ER, diagnosed with sciatica and arthritis, placed on 40 mg of Prednisone for the rash (eczema, psoriasis?). Now prior to this I was walking 3 miles every day, virtually clear skin and very healthy. So I go ahead and take the Prednisone and both my legs swell with Edema. Back to ER because I could barely walk...all blood tests normal, no arthritis, diagnosed with psoriasis, possible psoriatic arthritis.
All this time I had been unemployed and searching for a job. Husband recovers from suicide attempt but I had no money, and only the belongings I could put in my car when I left that day.
I now have a great job, and I found Steve O's book. I interviewed for this job prior to the ER visit, and thankfully my boss was very understanding of me hobbling around the office with a cane/walker. I'm slowly healing and now walking without any assistance, however my leg muscles remain a bit frozen, and it's difficult to bend my knees. The skin rash is about the same. I've been journaling, using affirmations, being patient. I totally accept my TMS. I've journaled a lot of rage towards my husband, my mother, my dad....and at times I feel so sad and alone. I allow those feelings to come and sit with them for a bit. I'm doing better at allowing myself to feel and then let it go.
The last two nights I've had dreams about my husband, and it makes me feel sad and nostalgic. I can't go back to him, I know that. But I miss my "home" that I created, and the good memories we shared. In a way he was my best friend, but also isolated me. Our marriage was one of tremendous highs and horrible lows. I realize now it was not a good match with two people who have a ton of emotional issues and trauma. I guess I just need reassurance that the dreams are my unconscious bringing these emotions to the surface for me to process them? I probably answered my own question...ha ha. After struggling with so many sleepless pain filled nights, it's frustrating to have emotional dreams when I am now finally beginning to rest more.
Thank you for listening
