I'm having back spasms, which is unusual for me. I think I know what the inner conflict is about. I have been estranged from my parents for 6 years. My father is verbally abusive and my mother is very passive. My father's version is that my mother is abusive and she taught me and my brother to disrespect my father and that is why we are lying about him now. My mother agrees with this version and has become estranged from her sister who will not agree with this version. My parents are not really in contact with other family members, therefore they aren't aware they are in support of my brother and I. Recently I received from my mother an almost 400 page handwritten chronicle of her faults. I read the first page and then the last, to see what the motivation may have been. Such as part of a twelve step program where one asks for forgiveness. It just ended. What it felt like was as if my father had beat her to a bloody pulp and boxed her up and mailed it to me. I was very distressed. My husband, my best friend, and my brother have been very supportive and understanding as I have tried to figure out what I wanted to do in response. I decided to return it with a note saying this is inappropriate to send to your daughter and therefore changes nothing. Any further correspondence will be thrown away. Several times over the years they have sent bits and pieces that just upset whatever peace I'm able to get to. If ever they really wanted to make peace they can get a message to me through family members. I just want to be left alone. Except, I think my back is telling me that I have conflicted feelings about this. The other day when doing some expressive writing I wrote, "I miss having a mom." I think this is significant, because I have felt relief not being in touch with both parents and have not missed my mom. And, notice, I didn't write that I miss my mom, but having a mom. I think too that I am confused about doing the right thing. We TMSer's can't be mean or wrong or put our needs first. So guilt. So, I guess I will have to figure out how to be at peace with myself.