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Increase in drama/ decrease in pain

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by North Star, Jan 6, 2014.

  1. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    Holy cow…it's been a week over here! With out going into detail, it's been one drama after another with my three teens. (One which required a nice chat with a police officer.):eek: I was sick with a horrendous cold (still hacking), hubby is now sick, power bill has reached new heights…and our income, new lows.

    It's been one thing after another. It's been a helluva way to start a new year.

    I've totally locked into survival mode so no journaling this week. I've been keeping my world small and focused on the NOW. I also write in my "Gratitude Journal" everyday. (Some of the items have been, as my kids would say, "Lame sauce". Eg, I'm grateful for good coffee. Though on second thought, that WAS a pretty big thing since we had run out of the good beans that day.;))

    It occurred to me out of the blue yesterday, "HEY! Nothing hurts!" Given the major spike of TMS symptoms the past several weeks, this was no small thing. And even right now, all the favorite TMS targets are quiet. I guess my brain figures I've had enough drama that I don't need any further distraction.
     
    Lily Rose and Msunn like this.
  2. nancy

    nancy Well known member

    Hi, so happy to hear you're pain free!!! Teenagers are beautiful and we love them, been there
    and don't wish to repeat that stage in life as I spent my nights worrying if they'd make it home
    alright at night. I am thankful that they did, but also had calls from the police, nothing serious
    but if I had tms then for sure it would have disappeared. I love good coffee too, treat yourself
    and get some good beans tomorrow! I always grind my own and love to enjoy a quiet cup in the
    am and pm. Be good to yourself, Fondly, Nancy
     
    Msunn likes this.
  3. Msunn

    Msunn Well known member

    That's awesome North Star. Glad to hear it. That's especially great with all the stress you have going on. It lets me know this process works.
     
  4. Anne Walker

    Anne Walker Beloved Grand Eagle

    I have three teenagers at home as well. Yesterday after sending my 12 year old daughter off to school crying because one of her bras was still in the washer, I heard Dan Siegal on the radio. His new book is coming out today: Brainstorm The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. Listening to the science behind what is going on in this conflicted time with teenagers was very calming and reassuring to me. Here he is on Youtube: I ordered his book yesterday and can't wait to read it.
     
  5. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    Thanks everyone. Anne, I could sure use some encouragement regarding my teens. Overall, they are good kids….no drugs, alcohol but they are just putting us through the wringer right now.

    My oldest needs to fly the nest sooner than later but his ADHD brings many challenges to his launch. And my other kid's run in with the law has some pretty sobering consequences.

    Hubby and I had a tall glass of wine last night. I was hoping I'd be feeling more optimistic this morning after a night's rest but I'm feeling pretty battered right now. Especially since hubby's job is, once again, ending in a few weeks. We are building a business but it just takes time.

    Nancy, I am enjoying a cup of that good coffee. Freshly ground and brewed. Mmmmmmm. The little pleasures in life!

    Thanks for posting the video, Anne. I'll start watching it with a coffee refill. ;)
     
  6. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    I'm going to get his book too, Anne. This video is very helpful.
     
  7. Anne Walker

    Anne Walker Beloved Grand Eagle

    Yes, I think it is so interesting that their brain development encourages them to seek out new experiences and to perhaps make dangerous decisions even when they are aware of the danger. He talks about teaching them to trust their intuition more and I would love to learn how to teach them that. I can't count the number of times my husband has jumped on them for rolling their eyes and this obviously only exacerbates the conflict. I don't know how my husband and I are going to learn the patience to give them a little space for their inaccurate emotional responses to play out on their own. Now I am brainstorming on ways to get them out exploring in a safe way, perhaps traveling to visit relatives on their own, taking a new improv class, I don't know.... I realize I am going to have to learn how to let go more but at the same time I want to somehow keep them safe and headed in the right direction. North Star I know what it is like building a new business. My husband and I started a new business about a year ago. It is going well but much slower than I anticipated(even though I knew better). We are horribly in debt and it is going to take at least a year or two before we can hire any kind of support staff. Without that there will be no real breaks or vacations. I am learning to focus just one day at a time, and enjoy what I can, stay focused on the positive. I know its not easy. When you feel really beat down, take some time to rest and trust you will feel more capable of taking care of it all later. Enjoy that cup of coffee, you deserve it.
     
    North Star likes this.
  8. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Siegel's new book sounds like it has some good insight into teenagers and their stresses.
    I'll watch the video later.

    North Star and Anne, what kind of business are you and your husband building?

    North Star, it's great to know that despite the stresses from your teenagers, you haven't felt pain.
    That means to me that you're winning the battle against your repressed emotions.
     
    North Star likes this.
  9. Ellen

    Ellen Beloved Grand Eagle

    North Star,
    Sorry to hear about all the stress in your life. Yikes! But the fact that you realized in the midst of it all that you are pain free is wonderful. Congratulations!

    Before I ever learned about PPD, I noticed that when under extreme stress or experiencing a physical illness, I would be pain-free. I arrived at the same theory you have--that at these times our brains don't need any more distraction. And as you also point out, extreme stress places us squarely in the present, as it takes all our resources to deal with what is coming at us, and we don't have the time to let our thoughts wander into the territory of the past or the future, which can be a trigger for PPD. I also have a theory that this is true for many people (including those who suffer from non-pain symptoms) and that this is why some people seem to create lots of drama and crisis in their life--they actually feel better when life is about reacting and they aren't spending time in rumination.

    Hoping the stress will decrease in your life without the pain increasing....
     
    Steve Ozanich, njoy and North Star like this.
  10. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    Oh Anne, I am comforted by your empathy. Yeah, one can be aware of the challenges and constraints of building a business but even with that awareness, it's just plain ole tough walking it out. I am grateful that we are debt free except for our house. But we live on a wing and a prayer most months. We fixed up a few homes over the years to sell and that's what got us out of school and business debt.

    And yeah…I get the time off thing. Unless you count our times of unemployment. haha

    Walt, hubby is a CPA. We've always had a clientele on the side of his regular jobs but after 3 lay offs from those "steady" jobs, we decided the ups and downs of hanging out our own shingle is far less risky. The tricky part for us is the timing. Building a business while feeding the kids. The work is cyclical (quarterlies, tax season)…that is…until your clientele is built up. I do whatever - bookkeeping, freelance writing here and there and eBaying. (I have a knack for finding bargains.

    Ellen, boy do I hear what you're saying. I am aware of my own propensity for drama. NOT a pattern I care to continue but, doggone it, it takes hard work to change! Staying the same however, is not an option. The reality we create in our heads is so powerful…for better or for worse.
     
  11. Anne Walker

    Anne Walker Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hello Walt. My husband and I now run a non-medical home care business. We hire and manage caregivers that help elderly and disabled live independently in their own homes. It is a very interesting, dynamic and ever changing business. I was in the film business for 20 years and finding good caregivers feels a lot like casting to me. We hire primarily women because face it, women are the caregivers of the world! I know there are many exceptions and we have some wonderful male caregivers as well, but probably only about 5% of our caregivers are male. I see everyday wonderful, intelligent women, working 50-60 hours a week and taking care of young children at the same time. It is humbling. There is one single mother that I especially like and her teenage daughter recently tried to kill herself. She really cannot afford to take time off and it has been heartbreaking seeing her trying to save her daughter and survive at the same time. So many people, elderly, working families live very isolated without any friends or community to fall back on. I had one 88 year old woman call me a few weeks ago "Help, I need help!" She needed someone to buy her some groceries and send some mail. She had no money to hire anyone and so I sent my husband to help her. She called back last week and needed her mail taken to the mailbox and so I told her I would have my husband come by the next day. He did not come soon enough so she called me up and was really mad. She told me to forget it and thanks for nothing and then hung up on me. People are funny. I don't know what everyone expects with families dispersed all over the place and so few knowing or helping their neighbors. Well, I certainly have digressed but this is my work and what I spend a lot of time thinking about these days...
     
    Ellen likes this.
  12. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    Anne, what a wonderful service you offer. We've actually talked (albeit BRIEFLY) about this business ourselves. (I was a nurse and hubby worked in health care finance so our skills/talents would lend itself.) But we decided it wasn't a good fit for us. (Your one story illustrates why we'd struggle.)

    Part of our challenge over the years is just toughing up as business people. We tend to be too tender hearted and have not charged enough in years gone by. And funny thing about those prices…if people think you're "cheap" or you do free work for them, (we have done TONS of gratis work over the years, especially for non profits), it brings out the entitlement attitude. So anymore, if someone calls and asks, "how much for such and such", I will shoot them a HIGH price because quite frankly, we don't need bargain shopping clients that don't understand the value we are trying to bring to them. All they want is a "good deal". They're the ones that will nit pick you to death and then complain about the bill.

    So yeah. Human behavior.
     
  13. Anne Walker

    Anne Walker Beloved Grand Eagle

    North Star, good for you for charging what you are worth! I am the money/business person in the family. 20 years of managing film budgets and so I know how to be creative and stay focused on the bottom line. My husband is an expert sales person which I am very grateful for because if I had to cold call or do sales I doubt I would ever crawl out from under my bed.
     
    North Star likes this.
  14. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, North Star and Anne. I know more about your businesses now. Anne, you and your husband are providing a great service. I'm 83 and still doing my own shopping, house cleaning, and cooking, etc., but neighbors have been very helpful this cold, snowy winter. They've used their snowblowers to clear my driveway so I can get the car out if needed (but I've left it in the garage during this subzero and heavy snow week), and they offer to get me groceries, which I've been grateful for.

    I'm hoping to keep going as I am, but the day may come when I could use a home care person. Until then, I figure
    the more I can do myself, the better. My house is small, a ranch all on one floor, so it's easy to navigate and clean.
    And my darling dog Annie is no trouble at all.

    I also keep busy... I have two part-time jobs, both on the computer, one involving movies and the other health, and got an assignment from Scholastic to write a book on The Philippines for teenagers. It was great researching and writing it. I hope to get more. A list of my books is at my blog: walteroleksybooks.com

    The most recent four books were published FREE from CreateSpace, a self-publishing arm of Amazon.com. They're great.

    Herbie and I are writing a book about our TMS journeys and will publish it through CreateSpace. Forest is eager to read it and tell TMSWiki members about it. Herbie and I have been working on it for more than a year and are close to finishing it.
    It has a lot of healing techniques and journaling in it.

    Continued good luck with your businesses.
     
    Ellen likes this.
  15. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    Anne, hubby and I are goodists are heart so it has taken us a while to realize that running a business doesn't mean volunteering for the world. It's taken us a while to get it through our heads! ;) lol

    Walt, WAY cool about the book you and Herbie are writing! And btw, I suspect you'll be managing your own home for a long time still. Hubby's gramma lived independently up until just a few years ago, she is 92. I think attitude is such a HUGE factor. I know some 60-year-olds that seem way older than they really are.
     
  16. Anne Walker

    Anne Walker Beloved Grand Eagle

    Walt, I was just saying today that we need more positive images and role models for how to age. You are a great example!! Keep working and doing what you love.
    So many people limit themselves and just stop trying. My mother is 77 years old and we built her a little cabin on our property. Close, but not too close! The other day it was 20 degrees in the middle of the day which is exceptionally cold for Texas. The dogs were barking and I looked out and my first thought was "some brave soul is out walking their dogs in this cold." Then I looked a little closer and it was my mother!
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2014
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