Katy Elise
Peer Supporter
Please note I talk about some tense stuff below.
Since starting this program my physical symptoms have been transforming which has been very exciting. Within the last week or so, though, my physical symptoms have diminished significantly (yay!) and my anxiety in turn has become pretty unbearable. At first, it was somewhat manageable with some of the techniques in the program. But the last couple days I'm in crisis. I believe this work has triggered complex PTSD (developmental trauma) as I've been remembering and feeling things in my body that I haven't since I was a small child.
Unfortunately, my triggered state has very negatively affected some of my most important personal relationships, primarily the one with my best friend which culminated in a highly out of character and very toxic argument and "break-up" on Monday. I felt I'd recently pushed her away because I'm hypersensitive right now and was essentially asking for her to let me know she still cared for me, and she somehow felt I was being insensitive to her/attacking her because she's going through a difficult time herself right now, and she hung up on me and doesn't want to speak to me anymore. On the grand scale, good riddance if it really was that toxic a relationship. But in the short-term, my nervous system was highly activated throughout the whole conversation, I was shaking in deadly fear, almost unable to get out words with the quiver in my voice, and since then - the way she reacted - has put me into a tailspin. I have been feeling almost constant terror that is so horrifying it feels like I can't breathe and my heart is stopping - I can't explain it but it's the scariest thing I've ever felt (and not the first time, but the first in a long time). In our conversation my friend accused me of terrible things, triggering the exact same wounds of my young childhood when I was accused by my parents of so many wrongs I didn't understand (like why did I get punished and put in the closet for crying or getting angry), and then at age 11 long-term bullying began at school and couldn't figure out what I had done wrong in that situation either but felt wholly responsible (plus the onset of many of my TMS symptoms and panic attacks at that time). I have a feeling that it's not a coincidence that this dynamic has been repeated yet again with my current (now ex) best friend, I've perhaps been unconsciously putting my needs aside due to my constant fear of losing someone and "I should just feel lucky they even care about me." And then when the real, emotionally messy me comes out, they reject me violently which was the whole fear I had in the first place. This happeneing this week really shines a spotlight on the formative parallel experiences of my past. Even less close friends I am terrified to turn to now because I am deathly scared I'm going to somehow push them away too. I am the definition of terrified, rejected, and alone, just like my three-year-old self was in the closet.
The only thing that's given me some very small, very intermittent reprieve from the constant terror is the somatic tracking exercise Alan Gordon teaches, but only for a few moments when I'm able to focus. Unfortunately, I cannot spend all day doing the exercise, and even if I could, often the terror I feel is so intense it overwhelms me and I can't separate into the observer mindset.
I am going to try out a new therapist next week who supposedly does somatic therapy (because I couldn't find any TMS therapists in my state), but in the meantime, I've tried everything I know of. If anyone has any advice or even kind words I would love to know I'm not alone. I know ultimately I'm the only one who can fix this for myself, and I'm the one who has to tell myself I'm not a terrible, horrible person and deserve to live and deserve to have people who care about me, but how do I bridge the time in between when I still believe these fears and they are overwhelming my existence. No wonder I have autoimmune disease and so many other conditions. This fear is not manageable.
Sidenote: For those of you who also have a lot of tools in your toolbelt I'll tell you yesterday I did: slow-out breathing exercises (parasympathetic activation), two different types of journaling, angry dancing, multiple meditations, eating a bunch of ice cream (attempt at comfort), distracting errands, petting the cat (oxytocin), cold shower (parasympathetic activation), crying (release), TRE/tremors, yin yoga, Tarot readings (connecting to spirit), EFT/tapping, and I COULD NOT get my nervous system re-regulated. Normally one or two of those things help calm my anxiety, and I did all of them and still terrified.
Since starting this program my physical symptoms have been transforming which has been very exciting. Within the last week or so, though, my physical symptoms have diminished significantly (yay!) and my anxiety in turn has become pretty unbearable. At first, it was somewhat manageable with some of the techniques in the program. But the last couple days I'm in crisis. I believe this work has triggered complex PTSD (developmental trauma) as I've been remembering and feeling things in my body that I haven't since I was a small child.
Unfortunately, my triggered state has very negatively affected some of my most important personal relationships, primarily the one with my best friend which culminated in a highly out of character and very toxic argument and "break-up" on Monday. I felt I'd recently pushed her away because I'm hypersensitive right now and was essentially asking for her to let me know she still cared for me, and she somehow felt I was being insensitive to her/attacking her because she's going through a difficult time herself right now, and she hung up on me and doesn't want to speak to me anymore. On the grand scale, good riddance if it really was that toxic a relationship. But in the short-term, my nervous system was highly activated throughout the whole conversation, I was shaking in deadly fear, almost unable to get out words with the quiver in my voice, and since then - the way she reacted - has put me into a tailspin. I have been feeling almost constant terror that is so horrifying it feels like I can't breathe and my heart is stopping - I can't explain it but it's the scariest thing I've ever felt (and not the first time, but the first in a long time). In our conversation my friend accused me of terrible things, triggering the exact same wounds of my young childhood when I was accused by my parents of so many wrongs I didn't understand (like why did I get punished and put in the closet for crying or getting angry), and then at age 11 long-term bullying began at school and couldn't figure out what I had done wrong in that situation either but felt wholly responsible (plus the onset of many of my TMS symptoms and panic attacks at that time). I have a feeling that it's not a coincidence that this dynamic has been repeated yet again with my current (now ex) best friend, I've perhaps been unconsciously putting my needs aside due to my constant fear of losing someone and "I should just feel lucky they even care about me." And then when the real, emotionally messy me comes out, they reject me violently which was the whole fear I had in the first place. This happeneing this week really shines a spotlight on the formative parallel experiences of my past. Even less close friends I am terrified to turn to now because I am deathly scared I'm going to somehow push them away too. I am the definition of terrified, rejected, and alone, just like my three-year-old self was in the closet.
The only thing that's given me some very small, very intermittent reprieve from the constant terror is the somatic tracking exercise Alan Gordon teaches, but only for a few moments when I'm able to focus. Unfortunately, I cannot spend all day doing the exercise, and even if I could, often the terror I feel is so intense it overwhelms me and I can't separate into the observer mindset.
I am going to try out a new therapist next week who supposedly does somatic therapy (because I couldn't find any TMS therapists in my state), but in the meantime, I've tried everything I know of. If anyone has any advice or even kind words I would love to know I'm not alone. I know ultimately I'm the only one who can fix this for myself, and I'm the one who has to tell myself I'm not a terrible, horrible person and deserve to live and deserve to have people who care about me, but how do I bridge the time in between when I still believe these fears and they are overwhelming my existence. No wonder I have autoimmune disease and so many other conditions. This fear is not manageable.
Sidenote: For those of you who also have a lot of tools in your toolbelt I'll tell you yesterday I did: slow-out breathing exercises (parasympathetic activation), two different types of journaling, angry dancing, multiple meditations, eating a bunch of ice cream (attempt at comfort), distracting errands, petting the cat (oxytocin), cold shower (parasympathetic activation), crying (release), TRE/tremors, yin yoga, Tarot readings (connecting to spirit), EFT/tapping, and I COULD NOT get my nervous system re-regulated. Normally one or two of those things help calm my anxiety, and I did all of them and still terrified.
