In a fear spiral

Bhamgirl

Bhamgirl

Peer Supporter
Hi all,

I need help. I'm really bad at admitting that. But I have to learn to reach out when I am struggling to do the work. For the last several weeks, I have been dealing with a return of back pain. I have been trying to think psychologically and am VERY aware of the insane amount of stress in my life right now. I am moving my youngest child into boarding school next week and my oldest child into college the following week four states away. I am also moving back to my hometown and this will act as a separation from my husband and our toxic relationship. I get that one of those things is enough to send someone into a spiral, let alone all of it.

I've evaluated the pain from a neuroplastic perspective, but I just can't get over the fear this time. I don't know what's different. I did break and go to the chiro who usually helps break me out of this cycle (he's familiar with MB work), but it didn't help this time. The pain feels so structural versus simply a tense muscle this time. I struggle to breathe, to bend over (biggest fear), and the pain woke me from my sleep last night (that has never happened before). I go back and forth regarding imaging as I know I need to rule out the bad stuff, but I'm afraid (there's that fear again), of what it may find that are my normal abnormalities. Then again, if it doesn't really show anything, maybe it could be therapeutic and allow my brain to believe that I'm truly ok.

Lastly, I have found that the only thing that provides any substantial relief, albeit short term, is alcohol. I am finding myself having a glass of wine or two nightly just to have some pain relief. It feels soooo good to be free for a bit. HOWEVER, I do not want this to become a habit as it will not serve me well in the long run.

Any help or words of wisdom right now would be so appreciated. I am in the darkest place I've been in awhile. Thank you.
 
Spirals usually happen for me when I'm looking for something consistent. You're going through big personal changes. This may sound woo-woo, but I'm going to put it out there anyway. Your back hurts and you're going "back" to your hometown. I'm going to suggest that it will only feel like a relief for a little while and then it might feel like going "backwards." You obviously have what it takes to get out of a bad marriage and also raise two kids. Maybe do some writing/journaling about how you see your life going forward.
 
@Bhamgirl, that's a nice insight and good suggestion from @MWsunin12 (and it's always nice to see you, Marcia!)

While you're at it, try to remember check in with yourself regularly throughout your waking hours, by taking deep breaths and mindfully identifying the "What Ifs" that are trying to drag you down at any given moment. I can see that your subconscious inner dialog is packed full of "What if... " catastrophizing, and that you need to
1) STOP
2) take a couple of deep breaths, and
3) remind yourself that this is not necessary and not helpful!

I call this constructive self-talk - it doesn't require any time or special skills, you can do it in a few moments at any time of the day or night, and it's surprisingly effective.

Another exercise to practice, which is harder to accomplish because we are so inclined to think negatively, is to stop being so hard on yourself! It is also completely unnecessary, and ultimately counterproductive to recovery.
 
@Bhamgirl
Be honest with yourself. Does all this really sound like "SAFE" - you will be separated from all you love or loved and are unsure about what will happen when you move. It's OK to be going through it at this time. I think you are mostly afraid of going through all this ... and let's face it, the wine really helps you run from facing the emotional pain. If it were structural, it would not in the slightest help with the physical pain.
That said, if it helps you, then go get it checked out.
Make a list of everything that stresses you including the things you personally need to feel more in control that you can't. Use those as your journal entries as @MWsunin12 suggests. Once you can see the stressors in front of you, it might be able to begin dealing with the emotions around them one thing at a time. Breaking it down might be less overwhelming.
You have a lot on your plate, give yourself plenty of compassion and kindness. This is hard.


​

 
@Bhamgirl
I got out of an abusive marriage and raised 3 boys. We were a team. When they grew up and started living their own lives, that’s when my TMS really hit. I think it brings up so many feelings of insecurity and loneliness. So much loss and fear. I think even in good marriages when the kids leave home, it brings about a lot of emotional strain on the parents and especially the mother. It’s a huge passage. You should definitely take it easy on yourself —you’re going through a really hard thing. The pain is your body crying for you.
 
MWsunin12 said:
Spirals usually happen for me when I'm looking for something consistent. You're going through big personal changes. This may sound woo-woo, but I'm going to put it out there anyway. Your back hurts and you're going "back" to your hometown. I'm going to suggest that it will only feel like a relief for a little while and then it might feel like going "backwards." You obviously have what it takes to get out of a bad marriage and also raise two kids. Maybe do some writing/journaling about how you see your life going forward.
Click to expand...
@MWsunin12
Thank you so much for your response. I never thought about returning to my hometown as going backwards. It is where my son will be in boarding school, and I have been excited about my return but even more grateful to be leaving my current city. With that said, it makes sense. It does have that feeling of being backwards. I'm not sure what my life is going to look like now that my kids are gone, in a "new" city, no current employment, complicated marriage, etc etc. I think the overwhelm from those things have ben simmering below the "I can't wait to escape Florida" surface. It's definitely a great journaling topic! Thank you for waking me up to this.
 
JanAtheCPA said:
@Bhamgirl, that's a nice insight and good suggestion from @MWsunin12 (and it's always nice to see you, Marcia!)

While you're at it, try to remember check in with yourself regularly throughout your waking hours, by taking deep breaths and mindfully identifying the "What Ifs" that are trying to drag you down at any given moment. I can see that your subconscious inner dialog is packed full of "What if... " catastrophizing, and that you need to
1) STOP
2) take a couple of deep breaths, and
3) remind yourself that this is not necessary and not helpful!

I call this constructive self-talk - it doesn't require any time or special skills, you can do it in a few moments at any time of the day or night, and it's surprisingly effective.

Another exercise to practice, which is harder to accomplish because we are so inclined to think negatively, is to stop being so hard on yourself! It is also completely unnecessary, and ultimately counterproductive to recovery.
Click to expand...
@JanAtheCPA
I don't post often, but you never fail to provide me with great advice. I read your message late yesterday and sat with it for awhile. I put your words into actions every time I started catastrophizing or felt a pain surge. It wasn't perfect, but it did help ease the symptoms for a time. I looked at this as further evidence that this pain isn't structural. Self-talk has always been a go to for me ever since I first read Sarno decades ago...however, I am my own worst enemy and sometimes that self talk bleeds into the negative. I need to work on this, and I must learn to give myself some grace, especially during this season of life. Thank you!
 
Cactusflower said:
@Bhamgirl
Be honest with yourself. Does all this really sound like "SAFE" - you will be separated from all you love or loved and are unsure about what will happen when you move. It's OK to be going through it at this time. I think you are mostly afraid of going through all this ... and let's face it, the wine really helps you run from facing the emotional pain. If it were structural, it would not in the slightest help with the physical pain.
That said, if it helps you, then go get it checked out.
Make a list of everything that stresses you including the things you personally need to feel more in control that you can't. Use those as your journal entries as @MWsunin12 suggests. Once you can see the stressors in front of you, it might be able to begin dealing with the emotions around them one thing at a time. Breaking it down might be less overwhelming.
You have a lot on your plate, give yourself plenty of compassion and kindness. This is hard.


​

Click to expand...
@Cactusflower
"Does all this really sound like "SAFE" - you will be separated from all you love or loved and are unsure about what will happen when you move. It's OK to be going through it at this time. I think you are mostly afraid of going through all this."

What great insight. As I mentioned in my reply to @MWsunin12, I have only been seeing this move and these changes as positive, exciting things. Maybe that was my brain protecting me from the upcoming deluge of feelings of loss, loneliness, identity-crisis...I could go on and on now that I am thinking about it in this light. That is not to say I will allow myself to wallow in these types of thoughts and feelings, but I will prime myself to accept them if and when they arise. Another great journaling topic and something I will also bring up at my next therapy appointment! Thank you!
 
Diana-M said:
@Bhamgirl
I got out of an abusive marriage and raised 3 boys. We were a team. When they grew up and started living their own lives, that’s when my TMS really hit. I think it brings up so many feelings of insecurity and loneliness. So much loss and fear. I think even in good marriages when the kids leave home, it brings about a lot of emotional strain on the parents and especially the mother. It’s a huge passage. You should definitely take it easy on yourself —you’re going through a really hard thing. The pain is your body crying for you.
Click to expand...
@Diana-M

Thank you for letting me into a little of your history. I always watched as parents, especially mothers, seemed to be at a loss after their children left for college, and I promised myself I would not be one of "those women." I always told myself that I busted my butt to be a good, supportive parent and did my absolute best to prepare them for life and independence. They are wonderful kids, and I kept the mentality of "fly baby girl, fly." Boy, I was wrong. Now that their departure dates are imminent, I am struggling like you mentioned. If you don't mind me asking, when your TMS ramped up after your kids grew up, what was most helpful to find a regulated state again? Thank you ever so much for your kind reply!
 
Bhamgirl said:
what was most helpful to find a regulated state again?
Click to expand...
Bhamgirl,
Well, I’m very much still on this journey, so I wish I could tell you. But I do get a lot of relief from any kind of meditation. EFT tapping is also very good. And just plain old grieving. Journaling about the loss. Crying. Whatever you can do to give your pain an outlet. Recognizing it, not running from it.

It’s complicated, because you want them free! But inside, you wish they’d stay beside you forever. You wish it could be how it was when they were little, even though you know this is ridiculous and not really what you want. So there’s conflict inside you. And conflicting emotions are an underlying part of TMS.

Lately, I’ve been building closer relationships with other extended family members my age and older. This is giving me a sense of stability. They aren’t going anywhere. 🤣 Hopefully!

If you have a history of childhood abandonment (I do), it’s hard not to take loss very hard. That’s also part of it. If you know how to talk to your inner child and comfort her that she’s not being abandoned, everything will be ok—that also helps.

In the long run, I’m told all of these techniques will pay off and one day I’ll be healed of my symptoms. I won’t need them anymore. Maybe they are protecting me from the pain—distracting me from my true feelings. Maybe they are putting up an excuse for my loss. (If I felt better, the kids would come around more.) Maybe they are just my body crying for me. And possibly, they are a little of all of those things.

Take care of you. Pamper yourself as much as you can. Easier said than done. But really good to try for.

If you have daughters, things will probably go smoother. They tend to stay more in touch. Rely on what you can. Look forward to visits. FaceTime and all that. You will adjust, but it takes some time. And then again, when they get married, that’s another whole process. Ultimately, if you’re a good Mom, your kids will fly, like you said. And that’s the goal. Motherhood has loss built in. Sad to say. Hopefully we will get free of this TMS and live amazing lives. And so will our kids. Hugs to you! ❤️
 
Bhamgirl said:
@Cactusflower
"Does all this really sound like "SAFE" - you will be separated from all you love or loved and are unsure about what will happen when you move. It's OK to be going through it at this time. I think you are mostly afraid of going through all this."

What great insight. As I mentioned in my reply to @MWsunin12, I have only been seeing this move and these changes as positive, exciting things. Maybe that was my brain protecting me from the upcoming deluge of feelings of loss, loneliness, identity-crisis...I could go on and on now that I am thinking about it in this light. That is not to say I will allow myself to wallow in these types of thoughts and feelings, but I will prime myself to accept them if and when they arise. Another great journaling topic and something I will also bring up at my next therapy appointment! Thank you!
Click to expand...
Something I learned via TMS is that we can feel two sets of emotions at once. Perhaps this is a great time to explore that option: you can be elated to be changing your situation which has been really a difficult trial but the new situation is going to bring on a new set of ? We can be happy and sad, we can feel happy and grief, we can feel like we've got control of some of our worst times of life and yet still feel a lack of control over the next step. It's all OK. You are OK and as a matter of fact, it sounds like you are beginning to thrive and take care of the things you need to take care of. I would imagine a lot of your attention is on your precious boys. Don't forget to take time for you too - if not right now, soon.
 
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