Importance of Forgiveness

[NIClubber]

How important is forgiveness in recovery, and does it have to be sincere???

The cause of my TMS is undoubtedly my mum for controlling and bullying me throughout my life. I have talked about how angry it makes me that she has continued to bully me and try to control the things I do in life. That gave me temporary relieve from the back pain, but it always came back within 10-12 hours - normally worse than before.

 

[hecate105]

Connecting the repression of emotions with the symptoms of TMS (pain/fatigue etc) and figuring out where it comes from is sometimes just what is needed. Forgiveness (IMHO) is a whole lot trickier. I think we would probably benefit greatly if able to forgive - but it should not be necessary to get relief from the pain. If we can forgive it needs to be done freely and wholeheartedly. /some situations I have been able to forgive others for - especially understanding 'why' they behaved as they did. But some situations are just NOT forgivable in my book - especially when people have harmed in full knowledge that they are causing that harm, and with no regret of doing it...
It is probably good to forgive what you can - where you can understand the motives. For instance if you could see that your Mother controlled you because she feared what would become of you if she didn't. Maybe she was not given any options or support when young and did not feel she met her potential. Alternatively she may of bullied you because that was how she was raised. It could of been all she knew. Or perhaps she just projected onto you - to try and control her sense of chaos by controlling you. Whatever the reasons are - it is still down to you to decide whether you can or should forgive. It is a tricky on with parents.
I decided that by raising subjects where my mother had behaved badly would cause her so much stress - it would further hurt me by my doing it. At times I was so angry with her I could of punched her - as I worked thru the stuff of my life. But I could also see that she was reacting from a position of fear and retaliation (mostly against my dad) and that she was mortally hurt and wounded at the time. So I worked on the emotions and processed MY stuff. She has the responsibility of working on her stuff (which won't happen) I am now in a place where I can see and understand her negative impact on my life - some I forgive, some not. But I have moved forward and also see the positives too.
I think it is so easy to get swept up in the negative emotions when you are processing TMS stuff, you have to think really carefully before involving the other protagonists!!
Good luck with your recovery.

 

[NIClubber]

She hasn't done anything terrible ....... well .......

She made me change primary school, aged 6/7 without asking me whether I wanted to or not. Of course I didn't, cause I was really shy at that stage and think I probably had a difficult enough time making friends in one school, let alone a second one. My brother had to change schools at the same time, but he was two years older and some of the kids in his year moved to the same school as we were going to. None of the kids in my class did likewise.

She also essentially grounded me for being involved in a kids accident in a lane at the back of the house. She did that as was slower at completing school work than everyone else in my class. I think think is probably as I had not got over the anger of not being asked if I wanted to move school, and having to make a new set of friends.

I believe my back pain PROBABLY started when she started telling me to go to 'Weightwatchers' as I was two stone (around 24 lbs) overweight. I was actually closer to half that, but she was also telling me to go as I would make new friends. This would be another trigger negative emotions as I feel that over the last 8-10 years all my 'friends' have abandoned me, without telling me what they were doing.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, NIClubber. I think forgiving helped me the most to heal from severe back pain.
My parents divorced when I was seven, primarily for financial reasons during the 1930s Great Depression.
I discovered through journaling in the Structured Educational Program that I had been repressing feelings of
insecurity all those years.

Journaling led me to understanding my parents better and I was able to forgive them, mentally because they had both passed on by then.
It is always great to forgive. If not, the other person wins and we lose.

Try to forgive or forget your mother bullying you. To me it means that she was unhappy with herself and pushed that on to you.

As for friends, they come and ago. I've learned to treasure the ones I have and also treasure the times I was with those who moved away or passed away.

 

[NIClubber]

I think the back pain is caused by things in my childhood. The trigger for the back pain was my mum being over critical of what I was doing - the two times of when the pains started/got worse were when my mum started telling me that I was 28lbs overweight, when really I was about half that. The pains got worse when she told me that I shouldn't take up the offer of being a volunteer at the Olympics three years ago, as it would cost too much.

I think it was a trigger for my memories about me not being given any input/say in the decisions affecting my life. The main one from my childhood being being forced to change schools, as there was a (UK) government report out in the 1980s that said it was educationally beneficial for kids to move schools.

I was always very shy as a child, and found it difficult to make new friends. Forcing me to move schools, made me have to form new friendships.

I have just written a journal about this subject, so hopefully the pains will start to significantly reduce from tomorrow onwards.

I have also started swimming again, 4-5 times a week, so hopefully that will help as well.