I'm the donkey after all

[Mani]

In Dutch we have a saying 'Alleen een ezel stoot zich twee keer aan dezelfde steen' roughly translating to 'Only a donkey bumps into the same rock twice'. I've come to the realization that that saying is referring to me.

I still live with my parents and I'm very much dependent on them. They've always contributed to my chronic pains, by just having zero faith and always judging. The younger I was, the harder it was to deal with such profound negativity.

As a result of this negativity i started sharing less and less about my life. This lead to me dealing with a lot of tough issues by myself from a very young age.

I have tried to break free from these chains for a while. After all, if I know that what they're saying isn't true, it shouldn't harm me. I did tell them that some sounds bothered me less and I also told them that I'd gone outside a couple of times. This has been a stressful week, sister was moving and the house was under loads of stress. It just wasn't the best week for me

Today it started again: "Mani, you say you've been less sensitive lately, why arent you improving? What can we do to make sure you start improving?" Trust me when I say that I've already told them a billion times that just trying to brute force it hasn't worked and will most likely not work for me over.

I shouldn't have let this affect me, but I did... At first I responded through text that I dont feel understood and that this makes me mad and that I just want some space from father; I remained relatively calm. Then mom came home: "Mom I was practicing drawing but planes started soaring over so i had to move rooms." "Um well, Mani, you are choosing to flee."

Ok so now I'm on the fence. I immediately get some distance in between us cause I feel like punching everyones head in and i kind of kept my cool. I just texted her that saying things like that is so mean and so suspicios and just it does hurt me. It kind of implies I'm choosing to be bothered by planes when that is not at all the case. So now she starts gaslighting and blaming saying "Um well youre telling me your doing so much better so why are you still complaining about planes [bla bla bla bla].... Went on with a bunch of other gaslighting nonsense...

Maybe the one person reading this is thinking: 'Mani, if you have trouble with all your family members, maybe you're the problem.' Fair point, I have really looked into that theory and came to the conclusion that it is in fact not at all my fault

What is however my fault, is knowing that I should stop letting people break my safety shield, still engaging with this nonsense and still having terrible days after. It's true, they'll be sleeping soundly in a couple of hours, I'll be biting my pillow in the middle of the night wanting to kill someone. I dont even know why I keep doing this. Their comments should be of no importance to me. I can't keep being dependent on other words for my own well being. I'm the donkey. I was doing fine and now I'm all raged up; I'm a fool.

PS: I still want to say that my moms comment was incredibly insensitive. My dads comment mostly enraged me beacuse of our history.

I used too many words to describe the ways in which I'm being a complete and utter fool. This has to do with 'radical acceptance' too. I've let people invade my safe space way too often. I know that there's gonna be people who are always negative, and I should be prepared for that. Can't let other people ruin my own life....

 

[BloodMoon]

It's true, they'll be sleeping soundly in a couple of hours, I'll be biting my pillow in the middle of the night wanting to kill someone.

Suggest you 'blow them up or kill them with carrots' - see the following forum postings for the explanation of this: http://tmswiki.org/forum/threads/blow-them-up-or-kill-them-with-carrots.27833/ (BLOW THEM UP or KILL THEM WITH CARROTS) and http://tmswiki.org/forum/threads/blow-them-up-or-kill-them-with-carrots.27833/#post-144096 (BLOW THEM UP or KILL THEM WITH CARROTS)

 

[Joulegirl]

Maybe the one person reading this is thinking: 'Mani, if you have trouble with all your family members, maybe you're the problem.' Fair point, I have really looked into that theory and came to the conclusion that it is in fact not at all my fault

Yup. You are not the problem. It's the conflict that they are your parents and you are supposed to love them, respect them, be appreciate towards them, blah blah blah. But when they treat you terrible you run into this line of thinking "why are they doing this to me?"

It's funny how you are halfway across the world from me (I'm in the US) and I can relate to your post so well. At first I wouldn't even acknowledge that my dad's emotional abandonment and my mom's authoritarian parenting messed me up a bit. I gave excuses to myself because they are my parents! I can't think that way of them!!

But I ran across a post about not making excuses for someone else's bad behavior. It clicked for me. My parents did love me and that was the best they can do-and sometimes it was really crappy for me. Now I get to make the decision of what kind of relationship I want with my parents going forward. It's been messy and I've been triggered. But I think I can finally say I'm at the place that I accepted how they were cause I can't change the past. I'm learning to accept them now as they are as well and have new boundaries for me and my family.

@BloodMoon gave you a fantastic post with exercises you can do. You are way younger than me and live with them so you will have to find a way to release your rage against them when you are triggered. But just know that your relationships will change with others as you continue to work on yourself and heal. I think that's been the biggest and most surprising thing for me!

 

[Ellen]

I think the fact that you are an adult still living with your parents is the foundational issue you are experiencing. I understand that it is because your TMS is keeping you from working. But it is keeping you from doing the normal developmental task of separating from your parents. I would focus on doing the TMS work and becoming independent. Once you move out, it will be easier to tolerate your parents' insensitive comments and judgments.