Im new to TSM and have a ton of symptoms

Hello. This is my first post on the forum and i was hoping someone could advise if this sounds like TSM or not. I'll start at the beginning:

I've had anxiety since I can remember. I had a few traumatic experiences in my childhood and never dealt with them. As a child I suffered with constant fatigue, stomach pains and issues, depression and anxiety, chronic infections and just a general feeling of not feeling quite right.

At 18 the doctor prescribed birth control to me for apparent acne. Then, 6 months later i developed depression, low blood pressure and strange sensations which i now attribute to the birth control not working with my sensitive system. At 19, i had gone through alot of stress and the doctor prescribed antidepressants. I took them for a little over 4 years with many side effects, because as soon as i tried to stop i would experience severe withdrawal. I had developed light sensitivity, tinnitus, apathy, severe lethargy and sinus issues on the medication.

In 2012, i started dating this guy. He was great at first, but thenstarted emotionally and verbally abusing me. It was very subtle and i did not notice it at first. Well he basically told me ihad to stop my antidepressants or he would leave me. I always had an emence fear of being alone and for some foolish reason i did what he told me to. I stopped my antidepressants very rapidly. I had severe withdrawal symptoms for weeks. He then gave me a weed cookie without me knowing ( Ive never done any drugs before in my life, dont smoke or drink never have) and a few hours later i had panic attacks. I started feeling depersonalized and strange.

I went to see a psychiatrist because my symptoms were scaring me a lot. He prescribed another antidepressant and the following day i experienced an extreme adverse reaction to the medication.

I never took any antidepressants again since 2012. Through the years i was so emotionally verbally, sexually and psychologically abused by that man, i felt suicidal most of the time. I had and still have over 60 symptoms 24/7 which varies in intesity.

In 2017 he almost killed me. I had him locked up and i had to endure the most grueling court proceesings. It took a year and over 30 court days for them to sentance him. I still have not been able to come to terms of what he did to me and how my mother treated and abandoned me during those years.

I have met someone else and although he treats me with respect, i feel sick all the time and suicidal often.

I was also hijacked by 300 men late 2017 (I stay in a dangerous country) i never dealt with this either and never had any councelling for anything that happened to me.

My symptoms were tolerable until may 2018. I was playing online games on my ps4 to distract myself from my life for months. I also had huge stress during that time with exams, finding smses that upset me greatly from someone who means a lot to me, financial troubles etc. Early may i had spinning vertigo with no cause. It lasted 5 days. 3 weeks later i started feeling extremely dizzy while playing fortnite (a video game) I have had dizziness since 2012 but this felt different. It felt like i was rocking very violently on a boat. I started freaking out and had a panic attack.

The next day it was still there. I couldnt function at work anymore so i quit my job. The boat trampoline dizzy sensation just increased and i felt soooooo scared. The more i googled the worse i felt. The doctors all told me its a viral infection. After a week it strangely almost completely dissapeared when my boyfriend came to visit me. As soon as he left it came back. This happened 3 times, then in October after more googling and scaring myself that i might have a condition called MDDS, It came back very severely and has not left since. In early December it was better for a few days, and here and there its more tolerable, but its still so badi cant fumction. I am super sensitive to medication of any kind since 2012 too. Im unable to tolerate most of it. Antibiotics, well, ive probably taken over 40 prescriptions since 2012. Crazy. These are my symptoms. I havent had extensive medical testing but my normal medical findings are always normal except for hearing loss that i got from an ENT who used those suction things incorrectly in my ears when he removed wax. Anyways here is the list. I might have forgotten some:

- Depersonalization and derealization
- Anxiety
- Panic Attacks
- Depression
- Heart Palpitations (130bpm average)
- Head pressure
- Strange sensations in my head
- Suicidal feelings
- Anhedonia
- Severe dizziness vertigo like im rocking constantly up and down and to the sides that seems like pppd or mdds
- Severe visual distortions
- Chronic sinus issues
- Tinnitus
- blocked feeling in ears but its not blocked
- Hair falling out
- Brittle teeth
- Problems swallowing and strange clicking noises in throat
- Pain behind eyes and sinuses
- Brainfog
- low libido
- Cotton feeling in head
- Dull pain in head 24/7
- Shoulder and neck pain constantly
- Lots of tension knots in my shoulders and back
- lower back pain
- pelvic pain
- Severe gastrointestinal issues like bloating, passing a lot of gas, constipation, sick feeling in stomach, feeling like i was punched in the upper stomach
- Nausea
- Dry skin
- Fibroadenomas in breasts from the birth control
- a lot of breast pain since discovering the fibros 6 years ago
- constantly feeling down, dont want to live anymore, i cry a lot
- overall weakness in all my muscles
- extreme fatigue
- insomnia i cant remember when last i slept ok or more than 5 hours
- fearful of everything
- shortnessof breath
- inability to exercise at all
- Memory is very bad
- Inner vibrations and tremors
- feeling irritable all the time
- Symptoms extremely worse before and during that time of the month
- I feel dead. Like im not living in the present moment. Like im not here at all


Im sure there is more. But i have this 24/7 all the time with no let up what so ever.

I had 5 of those symptoms when i was on antidepressants. The rest followed as soon as i stopped. I made the mistake of reading horror stories online for years. I do believe it increased my symptoms and severity. Over the years it did decrease, in 2017 i was highly functioning and had only a handful of these symptoms left. It all came back and new symptoms developed May 2018 which left me unable to finction.

If anyone can share some insight id be really grateful. Im suffering very severely for so long. Almost 7 years. Sometimes it feels like i am literally dying. Im actually so traumatised by all of this and the very scary sensations i experience. My mindset is very negative i wont lie. Also, i feel so unmotivated to do anything. I have a hard near impossible time starting anything.

Ps: one doctor said it sounds like POTS to him, but i dont know. He didnt test for POTS. And i also see POTS can be a TSM equivalent. Am i wrong.

Is this going to be the rest of my life im 30 now and i cant imagine living like this forever. Im scared and im suffering just so much. Please can someone help

 

I also want to mention that when i stopped my antidepressants, i fully believed all my symptoms were just "withdrawal" related since i saw on a forum in 2012 called paxilprogress that a lot of members had the same symptoms or a degree thereof. I read so many peoples stories that im sure i developed some of there symptoms too!! I was terrified, since i read so many people were sick for years and years and did not get better that i believed i too will never get well again. I mean, IS it possible for withdrawal to take 7 years or longer?

 

@Dorado i have read your thread and our symptoms were similar. Is there any advise you could give me please? Would really mean a lot to me

 

Hi NoMeaning25,

Welcome to the Forum and the Wiki, and thanks for sharing your story. Yours, like many others expressed here describes to me a combination of psychological and physical symptoms. The TMS approach, I think, will be very valuable for you.

We have free programs at the Wiki. The Structured Education Program gives you a chance to work through educational material and submit posts, reflections on this, if you like.

My own view, reading your story is that you could use some good professional psychological help, that this would be very helpful for your suicide thoughts, depression and anxiety. While a TMS approach can, and will help all these things, in short, you're in a sort of a crisis, and I think it is important that you recognize this and take supportive steps in any way you can. Importantly, any personal help you get on a psychological level will support your TMS work. They are not exclusive. If you work with a therapist, you can fold in your understanding in those sessions with your learning, separately about TMS, engaging in a program.

Howard Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain might be a great way to support your explorations re TMS too!

I want you to have the most attuned support, and hope others will make helpful comments here on your post. Many, many have come here with a similar combination of symptoms and gotten through just fine. Keep your strength, and your self-compassion! I am glad you're here sharing your story.

Andy B