Day 4 I'm mean to myself

I'm taking this thing slowly, but surely.

I'm finding just how mean I am to myself. I feel the way I feel about people because I CHOOSE TO. I know that alot is subconscious, but what I'm talking about the the choice to continue to scare myself. I heard that voice in my head whispering, "Stop scaring yourself!"

How do I choose to scare myself? I choose to do so when I have a new symptom and I turn to Dr. Google instead of thinking about my feelings and accepting the TMS diagnosis. I do it when I think about that girl who so clearly hates me and I want to stalk her on Facebook. WHY do I choose to continue to torture myself?? I don't let myself rest. I can't have a moment of silence in my head, otherwise I will have my walls down and SOMETHING will go wrong. I mean, if I have such intense emotions or PAIN, then I'm feeling and I'm 'alive.'

I hate that life.
I hate scaring myself.

For 18 months I've had so much adrenaline and cortisol rush through my body. That sinking feeling in your heart and stomach that you feel when you drop off the first hill on the rollercoaster has been daily. Not all of it has been my fault. Not all of it was from my choosing.

LOL, my husband says I am the strongest person he knows, and other friends have said the same. Heck, I'M the strongest person I know, too!

Within me lies nearly every character trait of a person with TMS. My life has been out of control.
I want control so bad.
I choose to forgive.
I choose to forgive myself and know that the decisions I made WHEN I made them were appropriate for that time.
The decisions I made were ballsy. NO ONE ELSE DOES THAT! I seriously DO NOT know a single person who has decided to do what I've done! WOW! I'm either the dumbest person on the Earth or insanely amazing. My decisions don't make me stupid. It makes me insightful. It makes me believe in more and that life is good.

To gain that control, I give up.

I give up bitterness.
I give up the need to scare myself.
I give up that life that says that people never change, but I am also okay with walking away from relationships.

I'm okay with making friends with silence and peace.

 

Hi, LucyLu. Don't be hard on yourself. You need a boost of self-esteem and can get some of that in
videos on Youtube. I just looked at them and you will like them.

I bet if you make a list of the things you've accomplished and/or done for others you will LOVE yourself.

Just having your husband think you are the strongest person he knows ought to convince you to have high self-esteem.

Good luck and keep thinking positive.

I love the photo of the girl on the swing.

Have you begun the Mindfulness Meditation Sessions in that subforum here? It's great for keeping the mind focused on the present and positive.
There also are some excellent videos on MM on Youtube.

 

Love this - I remember being told the same thing by various people, and thinking how little they knew me. But these days, I know it's true!
~Jan

 

Love this post!! I relate very strongly. Why do we treat ourselves so much worse than we would treat a friend, or even a stranger? We do amazing things, and should give ourselves more credit and love

 

I'm with ya, Mouse! We do great things. We do great things for other people, and its time to allow ourselves to be happy. I say "allow" because that's exactly what I don't do for myself...make allowances .

 

JanAtheCPA, it feels good to know the truth about how grew you are.

 

We are all a lot nicer people than we give ourselves credit.

My best friend once told me (probably after a few beers),
"The best thing about you is, you don't know how great you are!"

Some day I may even be able to believe him!

 

Hi Lucylu,
I love your post. You are extremely aware of the inner "hell realms" that everyone experiences. It sounds new too, this awareness. How exciting, but also possibly discouraging or intimidating.

As we become more aware of our inner life, there is always judgement and rejection of these parts of ourselves. I can hate myself for hating myself!! Awareness brings reactivity, at least in the start. It is also awareness that will bring self compassion.

This insight is powerful. So are your aspirations/prayers to not continue with difficult patterns. To see this in yourself, and begin to witness this pattern, and to have compassion for your human condition, caught (as we all get caught) in our habitual, mis-guided attempts to make an inner and outer world that will be safe for us... To actually have self compassion, to me, is the greatest healing balm. It is hard won, and I think you are on your way!!

Andy B.

 

You might like Byron Brown's book "Soul Without Shame" which explores the super ego, inner bully, inner critic in great depth. Reading it you will see yourself, and see yourself in everyone around you. This self rejection is part of the human condition. Brown also has specific techniques.

 

It is amazing how cut off we are from the reality of our wonderful selves! This tendency in us is almost laughable. More laughable, if it were less painful. Thanks for this Walt.

 

Andy B, thank you for your responses. Yes, this is a newfound awareness, which is intimidating for me, but relieving to put my finger on something. I will be looking for the "Soul Without Shame" book. I have very little self compassion. I usually worry more about what others think and letting them down at my own cost. I've recently transferred jobs within the same school district with which I have been employed, and there, too, I'm looking for my place, and trying to figure out who to trust within these new personalities.

You and Walt are correct, it is amazing how cut off we are from the reality of our wonderful selves!